It’s been a while since I last wrote. There have been so many ups and downs, happy and sad times this year—it’s been a whirlwind for sure.

I start my 5th semester of school tomorrow. A 5-week minimester—that’s always fun. I started off with the wrong degree plan, so when I went in to switch it last semester, I essentially “lost” two classes (which are several credits—6? I think) towards my degree plan. So I added another semester to my timeframe, basically. Boo.

I also start my new position at work tomorrow. Waiting for word on that alone was torture. I had so much stress in December (MOVING to an apartment, interviewing, going to training in DC, amongst other things) that I started to lose my hair. Not just a little, either. I’m currently taking medication and having injections every few months to circumvent my hair loss. But I digress! My new position isn’t TOO different from what I already do, but it still makes me nervous. I don’t want to mess up or say the wrong thing. I’m sure once I get more training then I’ll be more comfortable. I recently learned that our trainings will go back to being virtual, which honestly makes me feel more at ease. I WAS going to have a travel buddy but that’s gone out the window and traveling alone makes me SO anxious. At first, since most trainings were going to be in DC/Maryland, I was thinking of putting school on hold because I didn’t want to be overwhelmed, but I think if we stay home and do virtual trainings I could possible stick with school. There’d be no restaurants or sightseeing to be experienced so it works out.

Jaylen graduated from his academy on May 3rd. Proud doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about my boy! We had a nice time at the Bottomless Lakes in New Mexico and then at Balmorhea State Park. We even got to experience 2 hail storms while we were out there. Jaylen and Angela are all settled into their cute apartment with their kitties. I’m so happy for my baby.

Sally is getting married!! And I’m a maid of honor along with her sister, Tina! Alex proposed on Valentine’s Day, which was so awesome. He did a great job. Her bachelorette is in July so I need to get ready (and save) for that. Have I been able to work out? Of course not. Have I stuck to Keto? Negative.

I’ve also been navigating through these last two weeks feeling really hurt and confused. When I finally put my foot down with a selfish person in my life a few months ago and decided to walk away—they came back with promises and tears to keep me in their life. When these things were being told to me, I had reservations about it because I didn’t believe it. But then things were happening; things were falling into place! I couldn’t believe it! I was thrilled and elated. And then things began to change, things went back to being how they were before. It doesn’t help that my PMDD was in full force this last week which further exacerbated my emotions. I just want to stop feeling sad. I have so much to be grateful and happy for, but I feel so betrayed that it magnifies my sadness. I just need to keep repeating the awful things that were told to me to help me move on. Again. I’m so dumb. I also need to figure out how to calm the fuck down because my anxiety has been AWFUL. I can’t go into my training this week with my head and heart feeling this way.

Anyway. it’s 9:00 am and I’m already feeling overwhelmed. I need to do laundry, clean (especially my restroom. Ruffles is SO much messier in his old age!), visit mom and visit Eenan. He called me feeling sad yesterday when I was feeling sad and I need to see my boy.

Ok. Gotta start this day.

4 months have never zoomed by so fast. I started classes on January 17th and by the time I knew it, it was Spring Break and then I was suddenly cramming for finals and classes were over on May 12th.

This was the most stressful and equally fulfilling experience I’ve had in a long time. And besides re-learning algebra and learning so much in bio, I learned even more.

I learned that studying till 2am was fruitless; I was nodding off, half-paying attention and by the time I woke up the next day I didn’t have any recollection of what I stayed up studying the night before. I learned that coffee and Georgia Peach Bang energy drinks (which I bought from Dollar Tree every chance I got) don’t keep me awake at all. I could drink both and STILL fall asleep sitting in my desk chair.

I learned that I can say no! It was hard, and it sucks having to say no to friends, but I literally spent every free moment I had studying: when I had a free moment at work and then from the time I got home till it was time for bed. All I did on Saturdays was study to get all my assignments submitted by 11:59pm.

I learned that I’m not dumb! Even at 41 years old, I can still memorize (not the photographic memory I had 25 years ago, but it works), I can still pass exams. I passed my remedial algebra class with a 100% average! You don’t know how satisfying it is to log into my school dashboard and see “TSI Compliant.”

I got a B in bio. I was nervous about that one. I bombed the Final, but I did do excellently in everything else, including the lab finals. Plus I had tons of extra credit, so I got a B in the end. I got an A in Algebra and an A in the remedial class. I was so upset and on pins and needles leading up to when grades would be posted because I was certain I wouldn’t pass Bio and I did!

I am now registered for a summer minimster. I had NO idea it was a minimster, so I hope it isn’t extremely hard. And I’m also registered for my fall classes. I feel like I am actually going to do this! It’s nerve wracking and exciting. But for now. I’m still trying to finish my book (“The Book of 2 Ways” by Jodi Picoult) and catching up on my shows (Grey’s Anatomy and A Million Little Things) before classes start again on Monday. I’m ready!

This may seem really trivial to some people, but it’s a huge step and accomplishment for me.

23.5 years after graduating high school (a year early, I might add), I finally worked up the courage to take the TSI Placement Test. Yes, you read that correctly. TSI. After all these years, I finally, finally did it!!

You have no idea how badly that stupid test held me back. I never started actual college (I only attended Kaplan College, which was one of those private trade schools) because I raised the babies and then I felt like I had completely forgotten all the math I’d ever learned in my life and I was afraid to fail. I considered starting school numerous times throughout the years, but that test always stopped me in my tracks. Thanks to encouragement from my kiddos, Sally, coworkers and one very special man: I was able to set my pride and fears aside and started studying math. I literally had to relearn everything since pre-algebra. I reached out to Sally and she put me in touch with an advisor and I started studying in October.

The irony was that I had already started studying last year, in October as well, and then I broke my foot and put everything on hold. Again. The last time before that that I was going to start was in 2019, right before they put me on antidepressants that were all wrong for me and caused me to feel even more lethargic.

I digress. So I studied and set the goal to test in late November, early December. I took several practice tests online and bombed every single one. But I had already asked my advisor and he said as long as I made the attempt to take the exams, even if I failed, then I would take remedial courses and can start college. So no matter what, I was going to take it. I scheduled the test for December 3rd and there was no going back.

I studied as much as time allowed and I even studied in the morning, before the test. I made my coffee and my keto waffles and I was good to go.

They told me to set aside 9 hours for the exam, but everyone told me it wouldn’t take that long. I really wasn’t sure what to expect.

It was nerve wracking, setting everything up. Since I was taking an online test, I had a proctor watching me the entire time. I had to take a 360 degree scan of my bedroom, count the blank sheets of paper I’d be using and presented the front and back to the proctor and then counted them at the end, showing them to the proctor and ripping the used ones up.

Then, leave it to Alaethia to barge in and she was a deer in headlights when I asked her what she needed for. The proctor was NOT happy. She made me do the entire room scan again.

Needless to say, since I studied algebra the most I did great in that. But I still managed to get a 938, when passing is 945-990. The reading/writing part was so much easier. But I got it over and done with. It was such a relief. I immediately sent the screenshot to my advisor and hopefully he’ll get back to me about what the next steps are. If everything goes well, I’ll start school in January!