Pumpkin Patch 2018

Our weekend began with Jorge going out with Robert for his birthday–a rare outing for both of them, especially Jorge. Eenan and Jaylen were taking their time replying to my calls and texts so I met Sally (and Charlee) for drinks and gossip at Applebee’s while I waited to pick them up.

It was finally time to pick Eenan up (Jaylen had UIL in the morning and he didn’t want to wake up at the unGodly hour of 4:30 to make it there on time, so I don’t blame him). We chatted a little and then Eenan and I came home.

Jorge and I had a bit of a…wrinkle in communication and had an argument. A long, horrible argument. Thankfully, we both woke up in much better moods. Jorge went off to work and I got to sleep in a tiny bit more. I made cream cheese eggs and bacon for myself and the kids (well, the ones that were awake) and had my coffee while they played their video games. Then Jorge came home early and we hung out outside with the neighbor’s cat, whom the girls have named Alamo and have taken ownership of 🙄 .

Don’t mind the grass; Jorge cut it the next evening!

We had a rather normal Saturday of cleaning and watching TV. Then we dropped Jorgie off at a Quinceañera, where I embarrassingly yelled “Jorgie, your collar!” as he walked into the hall, to which he returned back to the car and hissed, “Oh my God, I had just worked up the courage to walk over there!” But still leaned into the window so I could straighten his collar out.

Jorge and I wanted junk food, so we stopped by Snowball Express and ordered a Maranada (an unhealthy but delicious mix of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, roasted corn, mayo, nacho cheese, cheese and who knows what else) and a fancy pineapple drink (“Rusa”). To say that I haven’t been very “Keto” lately is an understatment, but my pants and acne would concur.

There was absolutely no way to get a good photo of that drink. It was obnoxiously tall.

We dropped the snacks off at home with the kids, but not before having a few bitefulls. It was chilly so we decided some pan dulce from Café de Paris would be excellent. It did not disappoint. They have the softest, tiniest conchas!

Needless to say, after all the darn carbs I had, I passed out on the couch.

Sunday was spent doing the usual: laundry, groceries, cleaning and more laundry. And then we went to the Pumpkin Patch for our annual photo. The kids thought I was joking that they were going to be 25 and I was still gonna gather them all for the photo–BUT I’M DEAD SERIOUS.

I’m glad they’re such good sports. Although by the 3rd photo for each pose, their smiles gradually morphed into frowns 😆 .

I just love Autumn!

Revelations

So. It’s been a while!

I’ve been lazy and missed writing about all of summer and now it’s a new school year and it’s almost Halloween…and guess what? I’m only writing because I need to whine and get things off my chest.

(You’ve been warned.)

I’ve been in a Debbie Downer type of mood as of late. And I joke about it, but it’s really affecting me and everyone around me…and I hate it.

Another thing I hate: to admit something’s wrong with me. Or so…I think something’s “wrong”. All I know is, I don’t feel “right”.

See. I know anxiety and depression runs in my family. It’s genetic; embedded in my DNA. Gramma Elia had it, Mom has it, John has it. But all my life–even as a kid when I was poor as fuck and had nothing–I was able to keep that shit at bay. When I was going through my divorce and custody battle I was–SOMEHOW–able to keep that shit at bay. But lately, everything makes me feel anxious. And sad. And I constantly feel like the rug is about to be pulled from under me in all aspects of my life.

I used to be so positive! I could brush shit off and go on with my life–and I didn’t dwell or think about it.

The last 2 years when I worked at the Chamber and I’d get overwhelmed and upset, I pinned it on stress from my events. It never occurred to me that it could be anxiety. I took up Yoga, running and even looked up mindfulness books–and it worked for the most part.

But now, even when things aren’t that bad, and my job isn’t stressful, and the kids are mostly independent and Jorge works so hard to provide for us and I’m not missing anything in my life I just feel so anxious ALL. THE. TIME. The tiniest thing will set me off and ruin my day: slow drivers, feeling bloated, someone being rude to me in the slightest (when I could easily just brush it off before), a bill I forgot to pay, having to go grocery shopping. And don’t even get me started if all that shit happens in the same day! I’ll lose it!

And I *still* keep beating myself up for not starting school yet. I keep making excuses, then I beat myself up and the cycle continues.

I even recently had a breakdown at work because I was hormonal and all these little things kept building in my brain until I exploded. I even freaked Jorge out during lunch and cried in front of Jessica and later Neva at work. I was so embarrassed! And I couldn’t get a grip!

Maybe I need more endorphins! And to stop eating carbs! I recently started eating carbs and sugar again and I’m pretty sure that’s affecting me negatively–not only my mood but waistline! I don’t want to give all those people who said I’d regret doing Keto the satisfaction of being right!! So I need to start running again. Especially because the holidays and all the treats that come along with them are coming up and I don’t need to gain all the weight back that I managed to keep off for 1.5 years!

And also!! Writing here used to help with my anxiety TONS. I can’t count how many times I would start a post where I was depressed or upset or angry and half-way through I’d realize just putting it out there into the universe–even if nobody read it–I felt the weight lifting. And then I’d re-read what I posted and found that I didn’t need for anyone to read it at all. I was okay. I need to get back to that. Plus, it’s always nice to come back and “see” the happy times. Because most of the times ARE happy.

Anyway. I’m writing this in the truck as Jorge, Tony and I drive to San Antonio to pick some stuff up for Jorge. (More stress!!) Only us crazy asses would make a half-day trip that takes 4 hours to and 4 hours from at 1pm!