Author: Yajaira

The 2020 Silver Lining

Even though I’ve been slacking like crazy, I must document my first day at my new job…WITH THE GOVERNMENT!!

I started putting in tons of applications since shit hit the fan with Jorge in March. Rejection letter after rejection letter made its way to my inbox. Friends pushed me not to give up and I’m so grateful.

The job is pretty laborious in some ways and there is no covered parking like there was at TABC—in fact: it’s quite a walk from the staff parking lot to my office. But this will motivate me to walk more and stop being lazy. Tomorrow marks 2 exact years since I hurt my knee at Bill Schupp Park. Hope I can get back into Keto (since I *have* to pack lunch for my 30-minute lunch).

I have a full day of orientation tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Stop. Eating. Carbs!!

Message to myself:

Stop eating the damn carbs. JUST. STOP! You feel that gurgling in your belly? The indigestion? The discomfort? The BLOAT? It feels like you’re going to POP from how bad you feel right now. Do you LIKE feeling like you’re going to shit yourself if you cough or sneeze? HUH?? Do you?!

And these pants, that used to fit you huge? Well now they don’t fit. Now they make ripping sounds as you’re trying to pull them up over your ass, like just now when you went to pee. It’s lunch time in 20 minutes—and although you’re starving—you don’t even feel like eating because your belly might explode from the bloat. Oh but the concha you Cookie-Monstered this morning as you waited for Bentos to finish peeing outside was GREAT wasn’t it?? And how about the 2 conchas and the other 2 pan dulces you had last night, AFTER the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and onion rings from Whataburger???? WITH BUNS!! And then you WONDER why you feel like shit and why you’re breaking out!? And did you remember to take your probiotic? No, of course not. ‘Cause you’re too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get it from the fridge (and your zit cream, too!). Do you enjoy the feeling of not being able to breathe or like puking because you ate so many damn carbs??

Girl. You stress me out.

Quit using your period/PMDD as an excuse to fuck up your diet/way of eating/body. Because that’s exactly what you’re doing: making excuses to self-sabotage. And for WHAT?? To feel like shit?? To change 5 times every morning because you don’t like how your clothes fit? To walk around, moping, because you feel fat and uncomfortable in your clothes?? ‘Cause that’s all you’re doing!! Do you feel good about anything after you binge eat?? NO! You never do!! So quit doing it already!!! Faaakkk!!

This Only Happens to Me, Part 2

I am so mad at myself. And this happened to me because of me, which is the most frustrating part. I can’t even blame anyone else!

The one thing I feared happening, happened. I lost my damn phone. It was a beautiful, holographic Samsung Note 10 with a cute case and glittery Pop Socket. All my photos!! My eBooks!! My memes!!

I’m most devastated about my photos. And my darn memory card. I have never lost a phone in my life. And all because I went somewhere when I should have stayed home. I even had a FEELING I should stay home. Why don’t I ever listen to instincts??

It all started Monday, Labor Day. I slept in a little and was going to spend the day cleaning and watching Season 3 of 90 Day Fiancé: Where Are They Now? But first, I made French toast for the kiddos.

I started laundry and ate 2 pieces of French toast. Yes, I had carbs–you would have, too. These slices of bread had BERRIES in them. Then I get a message from Mel around 1pm asking if I wanted to meet her and her friend Edith at Yardhouse. I was feeling incredibly lazy, comfy and I hadn’t even showered, but she said we could meet at 3pm. I got ready in a hurry and met her at her house and we took off together to Yardhouse.

We had a good time catching up and gossiping and talking about our lives and our plans. Then we got to talking with Edith when she arrived. We had drinks, and shots and more drinks. Then we ended up at the beach on a Monday evening when I have work the next day [insert facepalm emoji here]. It was around this time that I thought, Shit. I should have stayed home.

We laughed, we drank some more, we had fun, I somehow fell and scraped my knee with sand and then we head home around 1am. (Neither of us were driving, by the way.) I hear my phone so I answer Jorge’s text, who is quite obviously livid by this point. I have my phone in my lap and when we arrive at Mel’s truck she says, “Don’t forget your phone.” And I’m feeling around my lap and the floor and it’s GONE. Just gone. I had literally just texted Jorge 15 minutes prior. We looked and felt around and then we gave up. I couldn’t believe it was missing. Mel suggested that maybe it was on my lap but I dropped it in the parking lot. But I knew it had to be in the truck. I didn’t hear anything fall.

I get home, Jorge is pissed, naturally, and I strip down and shower because I have sand everywhere. We get into a quick fight and we both have to work in the morning so he takes his usual spot on the sofa and I go to bed. I feel like I went to sleep and woke up in 30 minutes. I feel like absolute shit and then I remember my poor phone is missing. I don’t know if it was the panic and sadness of losing my phone, or the amount of alcohol I had the night before or if it was my anxiety (or all of the above) but I was chihuahua-shaky all day with heart palpitations. It was awful.

Still, I held out hope all day that Edith would find my phone in the truck somewhere. I call it several times and it’s already dead and it hasn’t been charged so maybe someone didn’t pick it up in the parking lot. When I get the text from Mel that, nope, it’s nowhere to be found in the truck, I want to cry. I ask my boss if I can leave early so I can check if we dropped it in the parking lot of the mall (I knew it was a long shot), where we’d left Mel’s truck before leaving to the island with Edith. He lets me (he’s a saint) and I leave and arrive at the parking lot. I walk, in tall-ass heels, a flowy dress in the wind and with a badly bruised knee (my bad knee, to top it off), throughout the parking lot, checking under cars in 100 degree weather and nothing. Not even little shards of glass where someone may have run it over (I could have at least gotten my memory card out 🙁 ). I even go to each of the restaurants in the area and ask if anyone found a phone and nothing. I check with the mall’s lost and found. Nothing.

I am, once again, swearing off alcohol. I can’t believe I was so stupid!

The next day comes and as I’m leaving to work in the morning I notice my stupid back passenger tire is going flat. Great. All I need. My boss and one of the Sergeants are having a brief meeting and I told them about the tire. They both said they saw it and I should take care of it now. So I go to the tire shop and I’m told both back tires are BAD; there’s hardly any tread left. So how much does this cost? A whopping $650. No phone for me this week!

Since I’ve grounded myself the only outings I’ve had this week are work, of course, going to Goodwill during lunch on Friday to purchase some books and then Dee’s little girl’s birthday party at Xtreme Jump on Friday evening. Mel and I met there with our girls and their friends. I had already gotten to 137.9 lbs. from the stress of the week, but I’m sure I gained 2 lbs back from having flaming hots with cheese and chili. It was so good, though. No regrets. But then Mel and I started talking about our night out at the beach and we started talking about OMG what if we get the Rona?? Our throats were feeling itchy and my nose was running. So I got home and made some tea and took my vitamins.

By the next morning, I was better, thank God.

Visited mom and John today (wearing a mask, social distancing and Germ-x’ing, just in case) and ate lunch with them. On the way to Whataburger, away from Mom, John and I talked about our current mental health. It’s crazy how similar we are.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Using my iPad and Messenger for communication. Yes, I feel sorry for myself and yes, I’m owning my mistakes. Thank goodness for upping my anti-depressant/anxiety meds dosage last month, or else I would have been a basket case. I’ve been pretty calm, all things considered, and I’ve only cried twice! So that’s some progress. Been reading (finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” that Sally gifted me on my birthday and finally finished “Big Little Lies”. Just started “13 Reasons Why”) and still watching 90-Day Fiancé: Where Are They Now? Currently watching the “Tell All” of Season 3. These couples are probably my favorite cause they’re so scandalous! They make me feel normal 😆 . Anyway. Here’s hoping my next post will be more positive.