Category: Anxiety

How Do I Make it Stop?

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Keeping Busy

Working on my mental health lately while weaning off of one of my anti-depressants (Paroxetine) has been brutal. So what do I do when the mania hits? I find yet another hobby to obsess about. I present to you: some of my new plants.

The plants in the top two photos are from the 99 Cent Store, can you believe it?? So are the pots. Of course they were not $0.99 cents lol.
These babies were on clearance for $2 each at a nursery in Palmview. I trimmed down the snake plant’s dead leaves and it’s looking MUCH better.
“Mano de León” or “Brain Celosia”
From Walmart. The pots, too
From Home Depot. One of my wishlist items: Purple Passion

And of course I needed space for all these and my current ones, so my bestie installed these:

I am absolutely in love. And they definitely keep me busy and my mind from spiraling for sure!

I need to update this photo. I’ve replaced that terra cotta pot with a plastic one because my Golden Pothos was NOT having it. She’s much happier now 🙂 .

So welcome to my latest obsession. I have even bought a standing grow light. Wish me luck keeping all these alive!

Back to Work

Extra-filtered photo because of course I would wake up with a swollen eye on my first day back at work!

No, literally. I got cleared last week to go back to work by my surgeon. My first day back was today. I was nervous that I would be in pain by the end of the day, but it was pretty chill and everyone is wonderful, of course. It was great to see everyone (well, the staff that’s at the office this week).

The drive wasn’t too bad and I miraculously remembered my route. Drove into the compound through the security gates with no problem at all. Walked into the office and chit-chatted with Sam and Catherine and then walked to my cube and I was pleasantly surprised that it was decorated! Michael and Adrian did it, as per Emilio’s request lol. So freaking sweet!

It was a great day. Got to chit chat with my favorite person after work for a bit before physical therapy, too, so that was nice. My foot didn’t kill me but it did swell up a bit after the workouts at physical therapy. Even the tech was surprised by how it looked. Watched Chuck and Larry with the girls in the evening and now I’m in bed. Hoping for more great days!