Mother’s Day 2018

I was more than sure I was going to spend this Mother’s Day weekend alone–well, just Mom and me. It was bringing back memories of almost exactly 8 years ago, when Mario and I were separated before the divorce and it was his weekend with the kids. It was thee worst Mother’s Day I’d ever had. I just felt so disconnected and lonely at the time, and it felt like history was repeating itself now, but under completely different circumstances, of course.

Jorge started a new project away from home a week ago. Since it was a brand-new project, and I knew he had time constraints, and the kids would be with the other parents this year I had already conceded to the fact that I was going to have a rather lonely holiday.

The girls were leaving on Thursday with their dad, but he had some things to do so the girls got to hang out with me a bit longer :). We snuggled on the couch to watch Grey’s Anatomy, where they both used me as a pillow 😀 .

I was a wreck and the girls cried, too. JAPRIL, man. Never gonna get over it!!

We got some last-minute burgers and made it back right on time for Mary to pick up the girls. I was still bawling from Grey’s, and from the girls leaving. AND from realizing that it was the start of a lonely weekend. BUT I put on my big-girl panties and went for a run. And talked to Jorge on the phone and whined about how shitty I felt. I regretted watching Grey’s, as I pinpointed that episode as the root cause of my sudden depression. 🙄 Everything else was just bonus sadness, I guess.

Friday was a quiet day at work, but co-workers from another department were visiting so we chatted for a bit. The group that was visiting was making plans to go to lunch so I was going to tag along. At the last minute it ended up being just 2 of us. We ended up at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries where I had a Little Bacon Cheeseburger with extra bacon and cheese (Keto Tip: they don’t charge for extra bacon and cheese when you order a bacon cheeseburger!) It made the afternoon go by faster, getting out of the office for a bit.

Mom and I started off the weekend by seeing Frankie Valli in concert Friday night! It was John’s Mother’s Day gift to us, which was really awesome of him.

We ate at Taco Rico (Mom’s choice), and I kept it Keto.

(Well, except for the beans, heh.)

Then we left to the Performing Arts Center. Of course, Ticketmaster never ceases to fuck my night up–once again, my tickets didn’t “work”. Apparently they weren’t saving the text with the barcode so it wouldn’t scan 🙄 . So I had to leave Mom in the lobby, go back outside to the box office, and get the 3rd degree from the lady at the window. After 10 long and sweaty minutes, I finally got a little notepaper with permission to enter the premises. Geez.

I needed a drink after that, so I found our seats and escorted Mom and got myself some whiskey and Diet Coke (low carb!).

And finally, the concert started and it was magical–it really was. It was so nice to hear Mom singing along and I knew most of the songs too. It was pretty awesome when “Can’t Keep My Eyes Off You” came on and the entire theater was singing their heart out. And Grease!

It was a really good concert!

And we made it to my car before the throngs of people started spilling out, so that was a bonus!

The even better cherry on top was that Jorge said he was coming home after all! And I made arrangements with Mario to pick the girls up on Saturday to spend time together! So that was a huge relief!

I started the next morning off with a run. I remembered why I prefer running in the evening…it was only 9am and the sun was already starting to beat down on my face and it was quickly becoming a humid, sweltering day. I got home and made myself some breakfast.

Then I showered and got ready to pick up the kiddos. Jaylen was doing community service and Eenan decided to tag along at the last minute so it would only be us 4.

I asked if they wanted food, ice cream or Starbucks and of course they chose Starbucks. I only had an iced coffee as I planned to “fast” during lunch.

Then we went to buy flowers for the moms and Gramma’s grave at HEB. And some Halo Top for me and other little groceries. Oh yes. And a new wine-based Margarita mix. They were having tastings and they had me at ‘Hello’! It would be perfect for when we met up with Dinah later.

We headed home and Jaylen was dropped off shortly. Eenan introduced us to a cartoon on Netflix called Aggretsuko, because he said he assumed it was how it was for me at work. Well, my previous work lol. Sure enough, we were able to compare real co-workers with characters 😆

We got hungry eventually so we ordered a botana from Taco Ole…and I was NOT able to stay strict Keto. Those darn tortilla chips are my FAVORITE.

We hung out and lazied-around a bit more before I had to drop them off. They were going to a party later that evening and I’d go back for them the next morning.

Jorge arrived before I got home from dropping the kids off. He ate and then we ran some errands before meeting Dinah and Javi at their hotel. We exchanged Mother’s Day gifts–Dinah and I both got each other succulents!

Jorge prepared us some drinks and they were pretty darn good! And strong!

Apparently, too strong. I couldn’t remember certain parts of the night and I just had this strange feeling when I woke up the next morning. I thought about it as I did my morning routine and once Jorge woke up I asked him what in the world happened because I couldn’t remember the car ride home.

He said, “Um. You don’t remember? You, um, cried on the way home…”

I was mortified. “Whaaat??? What was I crying about??” I finally got a spark of memory; I remembered feeling sad…and babbling 🙄 . Oh geez.

He said, “Everything, Baby. Life in general.”

I apparently cried about feeling inadequate, like I don’t do enough or make enough money. About how I haven’t gone back to school. About feeling lonely–ugh, just thinking about it now makes me cringe!

How dare that stupid alcohol unearth such deep-rooted issues I didn’t even know I had!

It was a slow realization, but I’d recently noticed that ever since leaving the Chamber and starting at my new job, I’ve sort of cut myself off from everyone. I really only hang out with Sally when she has time. And even then, most of the time I feel like I’m bothering her. I know it’s not true–because she told me so–but I can’t help but feel that way because of that annoying little nagging voice in the back of my head. That voice is the reason I don’t reach out to most people. And then I feel lonely and the cycle continues.

It doesn’t help that Jorge isn’t around sometimes due to work. That’s been the hardest of all 🙁 .

I also feel like I should do more. But I felt that way ever since the Chamber days: like I should be going to school, making more money. My job now is SO EASY and laid back that I have tons of time to think and dwell and beat myself up over stupid shit. Ugh.

ANYWAY. Back to my original story: we showered and got ready and took Mom to breakfast at Taco Ole.

We chilled out a bit at home before I picked the kiddos up for lunch.

Took this pic of my Emmos, looking adorable, as always!

She gave me this awesome card:

She’s so sweet to her mama!

And I also received a Yeti mug and wine glass from hubs!

I also got shopping and nail money, which is ALWAYS appreciated!

Jorge said he was going to stay behind since he was tired, so only Mom the kiddos and I went to lunch at Wing Stop. (I swear, my whole life is EATING!)

We chit-chatted and had some laughs and then I dropped them off. Mom and I made our way to the cemetery to drop off Gramma’s flowers and tidy up her grave a little. It’s our first Mother’s Day without Gramma 🙁 .

I saw later that both girls had Snapped and Instagrammed Mother’s Day posts to me! As bad as it may be on some occasions, I love that I can “see” them express themselves through social media.

I’m only sad that she didn’t have another photo 😆 😆 !!

All-in-all, couldn’t ask for a better Mother’s Day! My heart and soul were thrilled and fulfilled!

Taking a Breather

Today is Good Friday, which means I have a day off from work. The kids are with the other parents, and since the family is coming down from Austin and we’re hosting everyone on Easter Sunday, I figured it was the perfect chance to tidy up and take care of some more tidying-up-things I hadn’t had a chance to do. But first, I wanted to go jogging! I started up again this past Tuesday when I went with Emmos.

And then Wednesday, both girls went with me and we literally RAN since it was about to start raining.

So of course I would wake up today feeling like a chicharron; completely sore and immobile. And guess what? I slept till friggin’ 10:30 a.m.! So I didn’t accomplish that part of my to-do list. I made some breakfast, Keto Pancakes, instead!

And then I got to cleaning. First I started with my bathroom, which the cats completely destroyed. I love Kika, but my gosh, that cat is sooo messy!

I’d recently finished the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” because this chick needs HELP with tidying. So I used the KonMarie method last week by starting with all the clothes I own…and got rid of 1 garbage bag. ONE. UNO. I must have done something wrong! But Jorge installed a 2nd rod below one side and now I have space for my pants! Now all my clothes finally fit, thank God. Maybe that’s all I needed! 😆 I still have a mess on my futon though: stuff that needs mending, stuff that needs to go to the cleaners and stuff I want to sell on eBay. (That last one probably isn’t going to happen and the stuff’s gonna end up at Goodwill anyway *sigh*.)

Anyway. Cleaning out my closet entailed pulling out my large storage bin of photo albums. Those albums have been in that bin since Mario and I got divorced and that bin followed me to each house, each closet I’ve had since. They stayed in the bathroom all week until today when I removed some 80’s toys from the bottom shelf of one of my bookcases and organized all my albums. Of course, my ADD didn’t allow me to just PUT the books on the shelf; I had to look through each one of them. I’m not sure if flipping through and seeing my boys as babies, frozen in time, and now I don’t even speak to them on some days because they don’t answer their damn phones! Or seeing the girls as babies, or all the family photos with my ex-family, or photos I had of Jorge with other girls I despised LOL (we were friends our whole lives, remember?), or seeing photos of Gramma and just missing her…but as the day went on I felt this huge cloud of sadness just engulf me completely. I had already finished cleaning the bathroom, the bookcase and was halfway through organizing and chucking stuff in the kitchen when I realized I felt…defeated. I looked around and I felt tired, and I felt like I wasted my day off…and then I suddenly started bawling. For no reason. I just stood there in front of the sink and cried and sobbed. And I just let it happen. I went outside to the porch to get some fresh air, and just as I was calming down, Sandra calls me. I take a deep breath before I answer and we talk and I tell her she called at just the right moment. We talk about her goings on and my goings on and then we hang up. I was tossing out papers in the kitchen and was about to start vacuuming when I decided I needed a break. So here I am. It could also be that I haven’t really eaten; I just had some iced coffee and a few bites of a One bar. But writing has helped. And I called the kids to get an update on their day, so I feel better.

Maybe cleaning made me emotional 😆 ! Jorge got home later on and we went to pick up wings at Pizza Hut and as he’s telling me about all these awesome plans I just start bawling again! He said I was scaring him and that I have no reason to stress right now…and I really don’t! So, who knows, but I feel better now, thank goodness!