Tag: depression

Mental Health Update

I swear I should have gone into psychology—like Eenan is. Maybe then I’d understand mental health a bit more; namely: mine.

Eenan was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago and the therapist told him this is something that he’s probably had since he was a little kid that went undetected. I felt so bad when he told me this, because a couple of his teachers brought it up to me in elementary, but one of those teachers was an older woman who didn’t like dealing with her 2nd graders AT ALL. I could hear her losing her shit with them even before 8am when I was passing by Eenan’s class on the way from dropping off Jaylen at his class. Eenan always had good grades, always understood lessons. Really brilliant kid. He was just talkative and would draw during the teacher’s lectures and would distract the other kids because he was done with his work faster than anyone (which is exactly why I would get in trouble in middle school). So I figured he was just getting bored or his work was too easy for him.

But no. It was probably ADD the whole time. Then the therapist told him that it usually comes from one of the parents. How much you wanna bet that parent is me??

For example: I got out of bed and washed up and made a cup of coffee with full intentions of going back to bed to read. But I didn’t even make it back to my bedroom because I started messing with my plants while drinking coffee. I suddenly remembered I wanted to get ahead on laundry and put a few “darks” into the washing machine but never set the machine to wash. I was going to heat up leftovers and didn’t because I started hanging the chalkboard pen holder on the wall in the kitchen. But I was looking for a screwdriver so I started cleaning the drawer where all the tools are and I completely forgot about eating lunch or doing laundry entirely *facepalm*.

So, me, possibly having ADHD, explains A LOT. I’ve always wondered why I can’t just finish anything or why my mind wanders off when I’m reading! Perhaps this is something to bring up to my therapist at my eval tomorrow morning? I’m just afraid of what kind of side effects I’d have if they prescribe me new meds. I was finally able to completely wean myself off of Paroxetine/Paxil. I don’t recommend it after my experience with it. Weight gain, brain zaps and “whooshing” in my ears when I would turn my eyes—yeah, it’s as fucked up as it sounds lol. I’m actually still getting mild brain zaps, but thankfully it’s now when I’m about to go to sleep as opposed to when I was DRIVING.

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Oops, of course I wouldn’t finish that entry and upload it in one day *facepalm*. I went to my re-eval with my psychiatrist and I told him my concerns about possibly being bipolar—because I’d been losing my shit with the kids over small stuff more than usual (dishes piled high, trash piled high, dirty floors, etc.). He chuckled and told me no, that his wife had just done that that morning and then apologized to everyone, heh. He said that’s just a natural reaction as a parent and if I had been bipolar, I would have had hospitalizations by now and this is something I would have had since I was a child. So, that’s a relief! However, I completely forgot to ask about the ADHD thing, but I’m kind of glad I forgot because I’m sure I would have been put on meds for it and he just got me started on Fluoxetine. Let’s see how that one goes! Not going to lie—after the way Paroxetine made me feel, I’m really nervous about this new drug. But we’ll see. He said there shouldn’t be weight gain with this one. There better not be! (Ok—I looked it up and…Fluoxetine is Prozac!! I’m watching The Sopranos right now and Tony Soprano takes it and I am not ok with the side effects! I Googled it and yup—no low sex-drive for me, thankyouverymuch!!)

Anyway—been trying more than ever to keep myself busy and distract myself from things that may cause me anxiety. I’ve taken on some DIY’s and of course the kids and plants keep me busy. And my matitas make me so happy and I feel ELATED when they’re thriving and doing well—like a Goddess of Nature. But as soon as one starts dying on me the depression and feeling worthlessness sets in and I’m back at square one. FML.

This is an old photo. There is much more craziness going on here these days, heh.

I digress (see, there’s that ADD again). The first project was finally painting the vintage dresser I’d gotten Alaethia about 2 years ago when Jorge and I first got separated (the boys moved with Jorge to the house he was renting and the girls each got to finally have their own rooms). We needed another dresser but I didn’t have tons of money to spend. So we spray painted their old, colorful dresser white and Emily took that one. Then, I was on the lookout on Marketplace for a cheap one. Lo and behold: there was a vintage dresser for $100, but I brought it down to $80. I was thrilled with it: it looked like Mom’s old one, except hers had a cascading edge where the drawers are. It needed some work, but I knew with some TLC and elbow grease it would be amazing.

Sadly, Alaethia ended up not liking how it looked in her room, so it spent a good year and a half in the garage. I finally decided to give Alaethia my old dresser and paint this one for myself. I’m thrilled with how it came out.

Before…
Sanding this thing was a BITCH.
THE FINAL PRODUCT! I’m in love!

Next was my chalkboard wall that I’d been wanting to paint since around 2014. I bought one chalkboard paint can at that time and then returned it because I never used it. Then, about 3 years ago, I went and bought ANOTHER chalkboard paint can and it lived in a cabinet in the kitchen till just a few weeks ago. The paint had badly separated and it looked navy blue, but some rigorous mixing got it looking black as night again.

Filled in all the holes and places where the laminate had been pulled off throughout the years. Then I sanded the whole thing down.
1 layer down!
4 coats later!
“Conditioning” the board
“Conditioning” part 2: erasing.
Trying it out 🙂

The kids have already had their friends sign it and have jotted down their little jokes. I’m just sad it took me this long to do it!

I will, hopefully, tackle my laundry room next. I got a white shelf for under the cabinet that will hold the dryer sheet bin and other things nicely. A sign that says “laundry room”, from the Chip and Joanna Gaines collection, of course. I bought the gray wall paint for my laundry room and have the white paint for the cabinet. I even patched up a huge hole the plumber left on the wall (about 2 years ago) behind the water heater when he repaired a pipe that burst in the wall and the landlord never sent anyone to fix it. I also finally got the drop cloths and tarp, so hopefully I’ll be motivated enough to tackle it soon. What discourages me is that I can never seem to get those hampers completely empty! Just when I feel like I’m almost there, *poof* 2 comforters and 30 throw pillows show up. Plus a whole bunch of towels and clothes on the floor. The FLOOR, not in one of the 3 hampers in there. Drives me nuts. I’m just going to throw everything in the garage. Story of my life. I wish I had the energy to have a garage sale, but it kind of sucks when you have to do it all yourself.

Anyway! I’m just rambling and bitching now 😀 . Stay tuned for the next mental health update!

How Do I Make it Stop?

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Ah, the Itchy Stage

Day 5, Post-Op. I’m not feeling as much PAIN in my ankle, per se. I’m feeling a lot of stretching and discomfort and ITCHINESS! I just want to reach something in there and scratch above the right side of my ankle but there’s some iron-clad splint all up in there. The back is getting itchy, too, but I’m thinking it’s because either the incisions are starting to heal, or they already have and my weird, jerky, involuntary movements are causing the scabs to stretch and tear. *shudder* Just thinking of it gives me the heebee jeebees. But yes. I think my anti-depressants are causing me to develop Tardive dyskinesia (this is my hypochondria speaking) or I have restless leg syndrome, because even before surgery I was getting these weird spasms and jerks in my legs, usually around 11pm. And now it’s apparently happening when I sleep, because I’ll wake up from sleep with a bad pain. I’m just praying it’s my imagination and that my incisions are healing perfectly.

I’m also feeling quite tender and bruised towards the top of the splint/cast, sort of near my shin and calf. It’s the weirdest pain ever. Jorge said it’s probably because of them shaving my muscle off of the bone to make repairs. Just thinking of that makes me want to faint.

My face still has the weird scabs I noticed when I woke up Wednesday morning, the day after surgery. I think I had old zits or some that were forming and they didn’t give a fuck when they ripped the intubation tape off my face 😆 . Now I have these scars and a cut and it’s taking all the power within me not to mess with them when my anxiety strikes. I already managed to chew the inside of my cheeks and some of my lips. Why can’t I just stop doing that!?

I’ve spent the day finishing up “The Hook Up Plan” on Netflix and now I’ve started “Valeria”. They’re pretty good! I also finally opened and started using my AirPods I bought for a good deal on Target.com. I gotta say, I love how they make phone calls sound. I swear, sometimes I think I’m going deaf like mom. It really frightens me.

I ventured out into the house today! Emily pushed me in my computer chair LOL. But I immediately regretted it because my Halloween decorations are out and my Thanksgiving ones are not D: . There were old cups and dirty dishes on the dining room table and on the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen nook table had a juicy, rotting banana on it *aherk*. Emily cleaned that up. And threw the moldy, fermented apple juice down the drain. I was trying not to have an anxiety attack. She was supposed to make spaghetti because that was the deal if I got us Raising Cane’s for lunch, but because the pots and pans she needed were dirty, she refused to cook. Same, kid.

So she made me a sandwich instead. I am SO nervous about gaining weight while I’m thrown in this bed. I swear, I will not take being active for granted once my ankle is healed. I couldn’t imagine being stuck to my bed like this. This is a huge reminder about eating better and not going full Type 2 Diabetes (I was pre-diabetic during my last check-up). I think of dad and his amputations. I think of Mom and her now using a wheelchair most of the time. I think of grandma and the 61 years she spent confined to her bed.

Don’t get me wrong, the resting and downtime is great, but it’s frustrating not being able to clean, or do laundry or dishes (even though I hate it), or organize my bedroom or my desk. I’d like to move my Cricut machine to where it’s more functional and I can use it better, but there are too many Knick-knacks on my desk and shelves and I can already hear the girls whining if I ask them to help. The little time I spent in my computer chair in the kitchen really made my leg sore, so I came back to my room.

I guess I’m done whining for now 😆 . Going to get back to watching “Valeria”. And figuring out how not to lose my shit with the itchiness happening in my foot.