Category: Anxiety

4 months have never zoomed by so fast. I started classes on January 17th and by the time I knew it, it was Spring Break and then I was suddenly cramming for finals and classes were over on May 12th.

This was the most stressful and equally fulfilling experience I’ve had in a long time. And besides re-learning algebra and learning so much in bio, I learned even more.

I learned that studying till 2am was fruitless; I was nodding off, half-paying attention and by the time I woke up the next day I didn’t have any recollection of what I stayed up studying the night before. I learned that coffee and Georgia Peach Bang energy drinks (which I bought from Dollar Tree every chance I got) don’t keep me awake at all. I could drink both and STILL fall asleep sitting in my desk chair.

I learned that I can say no! It was hard, and it sucks having to say no to friends, but I literally spent every free moment I had studying: when I had a free moment at work and then from the time I got home till it was time for bed. All I did on Saturdays was study to get all my assignments submitted by 11:59pm.

I learned that I’m not dumb! Even at 41 years old, I can still memorize (not the photographic memory I had 25 years ago, but it works), I can still pass exams. I passed my remedial algebra class with a 100% average! You don’t know how satisfying it is to log into my school dashboard and see “TSI Compliant.”

I got a B in bio. I was nervous about that one. I bombed the Final, but I did do excellently in everything else, including the lab finals. Plus I had tons of extra credit, so I got a B in the end. I got an A in Algebra and an A in the remedial class. I was so upset and on pins and needles leading up to when grades would be posted because I was certain I wouldn’t pass Bio and I did!

I am now registered for a summer minimster. I had NO idea it was a minimster, so I hope it isn’t extremely hard. And I’m also registered for my fall classes. I feel like I am actually going to do this! It’s nerve wracking and exciting. But for now. I’m still trying to finish my book (“The Book of 2 Ways” by Jodi Picoult) and catching up on my shows (Grey’s Anatomy and A Million Little Things) before classes start again on Monday. I’m ready!

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Working on my mental health lately while weaning off of one of my anti-depressants (Paroxetine) has been brutal. So what do I do when the mania hits? I find yet another hobby to obsess about. I present to you: some of my new plants.

And of course I needed space for all these and my current ones, so my bestie installed these:

I am absolutely in love. And they definitely keep me busy and my mind from spiraling for sure!

I need to update this photo. I’ve replaced that terra cotta pot with a plastic one because my Golden Pothos was NOT having it. She’s much happier now 🙂 .

So welcome to my latest obsession. I have even bought a standing grow light. Wish me luck keeping all these alive!