Category: Bitching

Just Thinking…

I’m going to regret this tomorrow morning…staying up this late. Like I have every other night this week. I’m really tired, but I don’t feel sleepy. Blah, anyway.

Tomorrow’s going to suck I think. We didn’t get to buy the kids fireworks this year, Mario’s probably going to get out of work late (as always–but it’s not his fault ), Mom probably won’t get to come over, hopefully Mario won’t forget to pick John up…yeah, it’ll be boring. At least last year Mom was here and we popped fireworks with the kids and drank Bailey’s Milkshakes with Mary. I don’t even think we have ice cream!

I was bored as heck today without John here (yes douchebag, even though you get on my nerves at times, I enjoy your company…now, never speak of this again…). He went with Mom to the Social Security office. I hope, hope, hope she qualifies for SSI, or whatever it’s called. Disability? I mean, if they can help Alicia (that old bat Dad had been with) and they can help Tia Zoila, who have absolutely nothing wrong with them but the lazy gene, then they can help Mother. I’m just praying they will. She shouldn’t be working anymore. That’s the reason her diabetes is always on the fritz…they don’t give her a break since she only works 5-6 hours! Diabetics need to eat all three, or 5 small, meals a day!

So, since I was bored I decided to mess around with Google and search for stuff. It occured to me to search for ‘Rio Grande Valley’ and ‘McAllen’. It surprises me that out of all the people that live around here, I’ve only met two (very lovely) ladies from the Valley. Where is everyone? There’s got to be other bloggers out there. It’s just weird to me since the Valley’s so big. Maybe there are, and they’re just not in search engines?

All that got me thinking about my old friends *sigh*. What I’d give to have a little reunion. I have no idea what’s going on in Vero’s, Sally’s, Jessica’s, Angie’s, Dayse’s or anyone else’s lives. The last I heard was from Angie last March…only because I ran into her at Wal-Mart and she invited me to her wedding, which was a week later. I cracked a smile after hearing her say that because it broke my heart I wasn’t even properly invited. I’d known that girl since 1st grade . I’ve–well, not so much me, but my mother-in-law–has had the same phone number forever…she could have at least called me to let me know. I mean, I invited her to my wedding…not that she showed up . She asked, “You have my number, right?”, after telling me about the wedding. I nodded yes (she’s had the same one since we were in 1st grade) and told her I’d call her. I didn’t. I couldn’t get myself to. I felt so hurt by it all, call me a drama queen if you will.

I remember being in 3rd or 5th grade and we were in the lunch line. We were laughing like crazy and I don’t remember exactly what we were talking about, but I do remember clearly telling her she’d be my kids’ Godmother when we grew up. It really, truly sucks that she isn’t .

A similar thing happened when Vero was going to have her baby. They called me that same morning before I went into work to let me know she was having a baby shower. Of course I couldn’t make it, but I wanted to so badly! I almost skipped work to go. Instead, I got her some gifts and we dropped them off later. I remember getting tears in my eyes and actually sobbing when I saw her little girl in her arms. I felt so happy for her. But I didn’t even know her boyfriend. I didn’t even know her anymore. I felt so odd standing there with the gift bag and felt almost silly to be crying over this stranger and her child. I’ve known her since Pre-K. What really put the dagger into my chest was that Sally was the one throwing the baby shower for her (I’ve known Sally since Pre-K, too). I felt so alienated…and so jealous that they still had this strong friendship and I was just this girl they barely remembered at the last minute and decided to call for the heck of it. I don’t think she ever really got over our “problem” from 7th grade. It hurts to know I hurt her so badly that she may have hated me all those years after that. Maybe she thinks about me now and still resents me? That’s what hurts most of all.

As for Jessica, we kept in touch every so often. She’d even come sleep over before she had Danielle and her and her husband were having problems. We were “the twins” because we looked so much alike (though I always thought she was much more attractive), were the exact same height (short!), wore the same thing without knowing sometimes, and were inseperable. Until 8th grade and Coral came along. But that’s a whole other blog entry .

I know for a while Jessica didn’t like me, for reasons I don’t even know about, when we were in middle school. Maybe around 7th grade even. Maybe influenced by Coral and her hatred for me. I really don’t know why she hated me so much. People said she was jealous, though she had no reason to be. I believe it now due to the fact that she (Coral) tried to ruin every relationship I had in 9th grade when I still lived in McAllen. But Jessica and I kept in touch in high school since she went to a different one than the rest of us and kept in touch even more after high school. I miss her the most I think. I remember we lost touch after I had Jaylen. Then I called her up again one day when I was about to ‘pop’ with him and we started talking again. Then, she was going to have another baby, another baby girl. She called one day and asked if she could buy my maternity clothes off of me and I appologetically declined because most had just barely been bought for me by Mom and Mary in my last trimester and I didn’t think it would be too nice to get rid of everything for about $100. (These were after all, Motherhood and Mothertime clothes, which aren’t very cheap ). I think I spoke to her once after that. I really hope we just lost touch because of our busy lives and not because I wouldn’t sell her maternity clothes. As I’ve mentioned before…I just wish I had a crystal ball where I can see how everyone’s doing. Not so much get in contact with them again, because, based on past experiences, I know it’ll be a one-sided thing where I’ll be the only one making an effort. But I just want to see how everyone’s doing. It’s quite sad I haven’t heard from Dayse since 10th grade. I wish I knew how Pete, Lazaro, Freddy, Roy, Paul, how they’re all doing too.

It just sucks that I lost all those friendships. Out of all the friendships/aquaintances I made after leaving McAllen, none were as special as the ones I had with my childhood friends. None felt the same. I could never really trust anyone. Possibly one of the reasons I clung to Mario so much when I’d moved to Mission…because he understood me and actually cared about me. Whoo…I think I need to get to bed. I’m getting all choked up and am revealing too much information LOL. I feel silly now. But I’ve typed too damn much to close the window.

*sigh* I really need that crystal ball…


Christmas Everywhere!

Dear Jessica Simpson’s record label,
Please don’t let her butcher any more Christmas songs. Thank you.

Grr . With all due respect to those who are a fan of her…I can’t stand the way she sings lately. She used to sing nice…now it’s all this raspy, whispery, air-headed whining . And the facial expressions…OH. MY. GOD. THE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. Since when did singing require you to roll your eyes 3543 times and jerk your head back and forth like a chicken? When they showed her and Nick’s Christmas special on ABC I didn’t intend to watch it. I was just flipping through channels and *bam*…I couldn’t turn away. I wanted to, but I couldn’t stop staring at the faces she was making. I was appalled. That woman cannot sing…she SCREAMS! I literally wanted to scratch my eyeballs out of my face with my toenails. And to make matters worse…she was ruining my favorite Christmas songs! *inhales…exhales* Just needed to get that out. *whew!*

But ANYWAY, speaking of Christmas music, I added new music (click on ‘music’ in the little quick menu)! Most are some of my favorite classic songs.

I don’t have to buy a new dress or shoes for the wedding! I remembered I had this maroonish dress, that I wore when I was 9 months pregnant for Carol’s wedding. My very round belly was popping out of it, and I thought, “I’ve gained a bit of weight, and I wasn’t huge when I was 9 months, I’ll give it a shot”. So after praying all the way to Mary’s and searching through her closet, I found it, tried it on and it fits! I’m so thrilled. I don’t really like the shoes, they’re flattish (I was, after all, pregnant LOL), but they’ll have to do. The less money I have to spend for something I’m only going to wear once, the better. Well, twice in this case. All I need to do is buy a maroonish bra, or maybe a black one. I also need to get some mini cupcake cups and a mini cupcake pan. Eenan’s having his Christmas party next Friday . He’s so excited. He needs to buy a present for a boy for $2. That’s so hard…we had such a tough time finding something nice for $2 last year. I was thinking maybe a big, thick coloring book and a huge pack of crayons? They have both for a $1 at the dollar store. We’ll see. I have to send $10 with Eenan to school on Monday for a dinner they’re having at the church hall on Thursday (tickets are $5 each) and an additional $1.50 for his pizza party. I’m gonna be busy next week LOL. He’s starting to go through his “Mo-ooom!” stage LOL. Before, I’d walk him to his class when I’d drop him off and give him a kiss in front of everyone and Jaylen would give him a hug. He doesn’t mind so much if I hug him, but he kinda rushes a kiss if I ask for one in front of his friends LOL. A few days ago, Jaylen wanted to give him a kiss on the cheek and Eenan quickly turned away, which made Jaylen feel bad and he started crying. So now, before we even reach his hall, I give him a hug and kiss and Jaylen hugs him. I walk him up to the hall and he walks all the way down it to his class on his own. I watch him till he sits down and waits for the teacher (they have other teachers patrolling till their teachers get there). He’s so nice to everyone. It’s so cute hearing him say, “Hi” to all his friends and hearing their tiny voices say, “Hi, Eenan!” in return. I hope both my boys stay that way. I want them to be nice to everyone when they’re in middle school and high school, no matter what the kids’ financial/social status, race, religion, language spoken, etc. is.

Yesterday, I went with Noelia to cash her check from work, go to Mary’s office, Target and then to return some stuff from Michael’s. She was going to make some jewelry boxes for a Secret Santa thing her sorority is doing. I helped her out. One she wanted with Hello Kitty drawn on it and another with cherries on each side of the box. I took some pics, but they’re fuzzy and don’t really show the detail or even correct colors .

So many times during my art fest I wished life had a select/cut/move selection/paste type function LOL. I kept having to erase since everything was uncentered.

Before I finish up, here’s two more random pictures:

Jaylen sleeping and holding on to Choco Cat for dear life. It looks like she’s yelling, “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, HELP ME WOMAN!”

My father-in-law has a deer on their living room wall. He dressed him up for Christmas LOL.


Bridget Jones Is My Alter Ego

Had a girl’s night out with Mary and Noelia . Felt so nice to be “away” for a while, but in the back of my head I was worrying about the kids because John was babysitting . We watched Bridget Jones’ Diary The Edge of Reason. I almost didn’t want to watch it because I thought it would be dumb, but I’m so glad I did! It was hilarious and so cute. I’m actually listening to the soundtrack right now .

I noticed I’m a bit like Bridget Jones. I often feel fat and uncomfortable, feel like I said something wrong, and usually do something strange and embarrass myself . Poor Mario, who has to put up with me LOL. The movie got me thinking about how I feel about myself now, which got me thinking about how I used to feel about myself. I remember back when I was thinner–back when Mario and I were still dating–he’d introduce me to friends of his and heads would turn, and he’d constantly get complimented on how pretty his girlfriend was. I miss that. I miss being complimented, I miss Mario grinning from ear to ear because he was that proud of me being his. He still is, don’t get me wrong. Just tonight when I dropped a CD off for him at work his face lit up when he saw me. Then when he got home he said I looked “so gorgeous” tonight. I thanked him of course, I just wish I could actually believe it. I’ve always had low self-esteem and have always been highly self-conscious about myself, but I’ve been even more-so as of late. I feel…really fat. It bothers me, feeling this way. I never thought I’d have this “problem”. I was always thin, could eat as much as I wanted and never gained weight. But then, I had kids and there went my metabolism. Then there is the whole issue with my boobs (or ‘Wobbly Bits’ as Bridget referred to them)…ugh, I don’t even want to go there. I wish I could buy a dress and not be popping out of it. I can buy an Extra Large and I’ll be swimming in it, but my boobs will still be having trouble keeping themselves in. I wish I could snap my fingers and be back in shape, but it doesn’t work that way. Being busy all the time doesn’t allow for much work-out time. Then I tell myself, “Just be happy the way you are.” But it’s easier said than done *sigh*.

Anyway, enough of that, my pity party LOL. I’ll get over it. Movies do that to me. They get me thinking, which isn’t always positive thinking. *smacks self*

Eenan’s optometrist appointment went well. He was very antsy because they took an awful long time, but he was very cooperative. He is going to need glasses . He’s got astigmatism like his daddy. Today, we went for his follow-up with the doctor and they drew blood again, poor baby. He screamed, “I don’t want her (the nurse) to take my blood! I want it to stay in!” LOL I hope this time we get better results. Dr. Z is still boggled by the fact that Eenan looks so healthy, but his test results say the opposite. It’s been so hectic with all the appointments this week. That’s a huge factor in my being over tired and stressed. I have to be rushing around after the appointments. I only get about 2 hours to make dinner, Mario’s lunch, feed the kids, spend a bit of time talking with Mario after he gets home, bathe both kids, brush their teeth, read them 2 stories (they each request one), wash dishes, and if I haven’t done so during the day, take a shower. I’m hoping next week will be more relaxed–especially with a 5 day weekend coming up!

Mom’s doctor’s appointment went well. She’s going to be off work for a week because of the infection in her eye. Her diabetes had skyrocketed when they checked her on Thursday and they wanted to admit her into the hospital, but when they checked her this morning she was fine, thank God. I want to see Gramma this weekend. I hope we have time. I started priming the walls for painting this afternoon at the apartment. I’m gonna start painting tomorrow. John’s here and he’ll help me. I hope we finish soon. It’s such a drag having to paint .

Gonna get in bed now. It’s WAYYY past my bedtime and I will surely regret staying up this late in the morning.