I swear I should have gone into psychology—like Eenan is. Maybe then I’d understand mental health a bit more; namely: mine.

Eenan was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago and the therapist told him this is something that he’s probably had since he was a little kid that went undetected. I felt so bad when he told me this, because a couple of his teachers brought it up to me in elementary, but one of those teachers was an older woman who didn’t like dealing with her 2nd graders AT ALL. I could hear her losing her shit with them even before 8am when I was passing by Eenan’s class on the way from dropping off Jaylen at his class. Eenan always had good grades, always understood lessons. Really brilliant kid. He was just talkative and would draw during the teacher’s lectures and would distract the other kids because he was done with his work faster than anyone (which is exactly why I would get in trouble in middle school). So I figured he was just getting bored or his work was too easy for him.

But no. It was probably ADD the whole time. Then the therapist told him that it usually comes from one of the parents. How much you wanna bet that parent is me??

For example: I got out of bed and washed up and made a cup of coffee with full intentions of going back to bed to read. But I didn’t even make it back to my bedroom because I started messing with my plants while drinking coffee. I suddenly remembered I wanted to get ahead on laundry and put a few “darks” into the washing machine but never set the machine to wash. I was going to heat up leftovers and didn’t because I started hanging the chalkboard pen holder on the wall in the kitchen. But I was looking for a screwdriver so I started cleaning the drawer where all the tools are and I completely forgot about eating lunch or doing laundry entirely *facepalm*.

So, me, possibly having ADHD, explains A LOT. I’ve always wondered why I can’t just finish anything or why my mind wanders off when I’m reading! Perhaps this is something to bring up to my therapist at my eval tomorrow morning? I’m just afraid of what kind of side effects I’d have if they prescribe me new meds. I was finally able to completely wean myself off of Paroxetine/Paxil. I don’t recommend it after my experience with it. Weight gain, brain zaps and “whooshing” in my ears when I would turn my eyes—yeah, it’s as fucked up as it sounds lol. I’m actually still getting mild brain zaps, but thankfully it’s now when I’m about to go to sleep as opposed to when I was DRIVING.

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Oops, of course I wouldn’t finish that entry and upload it in one day *facepalm*. I went to my re-eval with my psychiatrist and I told him my concerns about possibly being bipolar—because I’d been losing my shit with the kids over small stuff more than usual (dishes piled high, trash piled high, dirty floors, etc.). He chuckled and told me no, that his wife had just done that that morning and then apologized to everyone, heh. He said that’s just a natural reaction as a parent and if I had been bipolar, I would have had hospitalizations by now and this is something I would have had since I was a child. So, that’s a relief! However, I completely forgot to ask about the ADHD thing, but I’m kind of glad I forgot because I’m sure I would have been put on meds for it and he just got me started on Fluoxetine. Let’s see how that one goes! Not going to lie—after the way Paroxetine made me feel, I’m really nervous about this new drug. But we’ll see. He said there shouldn’t be weight gain with this one. There better not be! (Ok—I looked it up and…Fluoxetine is Prozac!! I’m watching The Sopranos right now and Tony Soprano takes it and I am not ok with the side effects! I Googled it and yup—no low sex-drive for me, thankyouverymuch!!)

Anyway—been trying more than ever to keep myself busy and distract myself from things that may cause me anxiety. I’ve taken on some DIY’s and of course the kids and plants keep me busy. And my matitas make me so happy and I feel ELATED when they’re thriving and doing well—like a Goddess of Nature. But as soon as one starts dying on me the depression and feeling worthlessness sets in and I’m back at square one. FML.

I digress (see, there’s that ADD again). The first project was finally painting the vintage dresser I’d gotten Alaethia about 2 years ago when Jorge and I first got separated (the boys moved with Jorge to the house he was renting and the girls each got to finally have their own rooms). We needed another dresser but I didn’t have tons of money to spend. So we spray painted their old, colorful dresser white and Emily took that one. Then, I was on the lookout on Marketplace for a cheap one. Lo and behold: there was a vintage dresser for $100, but I brought it down to $80. I was thrilled with it: it looked like Mom’s old one, except hers had a cascading edge where the drawers are. It needed some work, but I knew with some TLC and elbow grease it would be amazing.

Sadly, Alaethia ended up not liking how it looked in her room, so it spent a good year and a half in the garage. I finally decided to give Alaethia my old dresser and paint this one for myself. I’m thrilled with how it came out.

Next was my chalkboard wall that I’d been wanting to paint since around 2014. I bought one chalkboard paint can at that time and then returned it because I never used it. Then, about 3 years ago, I went and bought ANOTHER chalkboard paint can and it lived in a cabinet in the kitchen till just a few weeks ago. The paint had badly separated and it looked navy blue, but some rigorous mixing got it looking black as night again.

The kids have already had their friends sign it and have jotted down their little jokes. I’m just sad it took me this long to do it!

I will, hopefully, tackle my laundry room next. I got a white shelf for under the cabinet that will hold the dryer sheet bin and other things nicely. A sign that says “laundry room”, from the Chip and Joanna Gaines collection, of course. I bought the gray wall paint for my laundry room and have the white paint for the cabinet. I even patched up a huge hole the plumber left on the wall (about 2 years ago) behind the water heater when he repaired a pipe that burst in the wall and the landlord never sent anyone to fix it. I also finally got the drop cloths and tarp, so hopefully I’ll be motivated enough to tackle it soon. What discourages me is that I can never seem to get those hampers completely empty! Just when I feel like I’m almost there, *poof* 2 comforters and 30 throw pillows show up. Plus a whole bunch of towels and clothes on the floor. The FLOOR, not in one of the 3 hampers in there. Drives me nuts. I’m just going to throw everything in the garage. Story of my life. I wish I had the energy to have a garage sale, but it kind of sucks when you have to do it all yourself.

Anyway! I’m just rambling and bitching now 😀 . Stay tuned for the next mental health update!

The flutter I feel in my heart when I see you walking down the walkway. Greeting you at the door with a smooch.

Talking about everything and anything and snacking on chips and dip.

How you sit on that chair and look at me as we have a conversation while I washed the dishes from the day.

You, walking around and fixing things that were never fixed before. And teaching me about it all as you do it.

Changing into something more comfortable.

Being so close to you, in that way that we’re close.

Watching you cook and know your way around my kitchen, like you belong here. Because you do.

Dancing with you in the kitchen to “Tennessee Whiskey” while you hold me close, stroke my back, and sing the lyrics in my ear. (I think I dreamed of that moment with you many moons ago.) You’ve always said that song would remind me of you. It always does.

Getting our food together and having a bed picnic. Oh, those wonderful bed picnics! (I never ate in my bed before you.)

Watching a show with you that you obviously got me hooked on.

Not paying attention to that show due to other important activities and having to rewind to understand what’s going on in the episode.

You teasing me and me getting extra emotional, as I tend to do. You, with your patience, pulling me close, and reminding me that you love me.

Eating ice cream and switching pints, then switching back again.

Not feeling insecure as we shower together, because—as hard as it is for me—I trust you and believe you when you tell me I’m beautiful.

The cold, fresh sheets and the way you extend your arm, letting me know my resting place is ready, and I lay on your shoulder—my favorite spot—while you snuggle me and hold me close. (“This is the good stuff,” you always say.) You place my legs just right as we tangle up for sleep.

Your little breaths, little snores and twitching as you fall slowly into sleep. And I lay there, in my favorite place, soaking it all in, hoping and praying time can stand still throughout the night for just a little bit more minutes with you.

Little snippets. Because I want to remember it all. In case one day it doesn’t happen again.

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.