Tag: depression

How Do I Make it Stop?

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Ah, the Itchy Stage

Day 5, Post-Op. I’m not feeling as much PAIN in my ankle, per se. I’m feeling a lot of stretching and discomfort and ITCHINESS! I just want to reach something in there and scratch above the right side of my ankle but there’s some iron-clad splint all up in there. The back is getting itchy, too, but I’m thinking it’s because either the incisions are starting to heal, or they already have and my weird, jerky, involuntary movements are causing the scabs to stretch and tear. *shudder* Just thinking of it gives me the heebee jeebees. But yes. I think my anti-depressants are causing me to develop Tardive dyskinesia (this is my hypochondria speaking) or I have restless leg syndrome, because even before surgery I was getting these weird spasms and jerks in my legs, usually around 11pm. And now it’s apparently happening when I sleep, because I’ll wake up from sleep with a bad pain. I’m just praying it’s my imagination and that my incisions are healing perfectly.

I’m also feeling quite tender and bruised towards the top of the splint/cast, sort of near my shin and calf. It’s the weirdest pain ever. Jorge said it’s probably because of them shaving my muscle off of the bone to make repairs. Just thinking of that makes me want to faint.

My face still has the weird scabs I noticed when I woke up Wednesday morning, the day after surgery. I think I had old zits or some that were forming and they didn’t give a fuck when they ripped the intubation tape off my face 😆 . Now I have these scars and a cut and it’s taking all the power within me not to mess with them when my anxiety strikes. I already managed to chew the inside of my cheeks and some of my lips. Why can’t I just stop doing that!?

I’ve spent the day finishing up “The Hook Up Plan” on Netflix and now I’ve started “Valeria”. They’re pretty good! I also finally opened and started using my AirPods I bought for a good deal on Target.com. I gotta say, I love how they make phone calls sound. I swear, sometimes I think I’m going deaf like mom. It really frightens me.

I ventured out into the house today! Emily pushed me in my computer chair LOL. But I immediately regretted it because my Halloween decorations are out and my Thanksgiving ones are not D: . There were old cups and dirty dishes on the dining room table and on the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen nook table had a juicy, rotting banana on it *aherk*. Emily cleaned that up. And threw the moldy, fermented apple juice down the drain. I was trying not to have an anxiety attack. She was supposed to make spaghetti because that was the deal if I got us Raising Cane’s for lunch, but because the pots and pans she needed were dirty, she refused to cook. Same, kid.

So she made me a sandwich instead. I am SO nervous about gaining weight while I’m thrown in this bed. I swear, I will not take being active for granted once my ankle is healed. I couldn’t imagine being stuck to my bed like this. This is a huge reminder about eating better and not going full Type 2 Diabetes (I was pre-diabetic during my last check-up). I think of dad and his amputations. I think of Mom and her now using a wheelchair most of the time. I think of grandma and the 61 years she spent confined to her bed.

Don’t get me wrong, the resting and downtime is great, but it’s frustrating not being able to clean, or do laundry or dishes (even though I hate it), or organize my bedroom or my desk. I’d like to move my Cricut machine to where it’s more functional and I can use it better, but there are too many Knick-knacks on my desk and shelves and I can already hear the girls whining if I ask them to help. The little time I spent in my computer chair in the kitchen really made my leg sore, so I came back to my room.

I guess I’m done whining for now 😆 . Going to get back to watching “Valeria”. And figuring out how not to lose my shit with the itchiness happening in my foot.

This Only Happens to Me, Part 2

I am so mad at myself. And this happened to me because of me, which is the most frustrating part. I can’t even blame anyone else!

The one thing I feared happening, happened. I lost my damn phone. It was a beautiful, holographic Samsung Note 10 with a cute case and glittery Pop Socket. All my photos!! My eBooks!! My memes!!

I’m most devastated about my photos. And my darn memory card. I have never lost a phone in my life. And all because I went somewhere when I should have stayed home. I even had a FEELING I should stay home. Why don’t I ever listen to instincts??

It all started Monday, Labor Day. I slept in a little and was going to spend the day cleaning and watching Season 3 of 90 Day Fiancé: Where Are They Now? But first, I made French toast for the kiddos.

I started laundry and ate 2 pieces of French toast. Yes, I had carbs–you would have, too. These slices of bread had BERRIES in them. Then I get a message from Mel around 1pm asking if I wanted to meet her and her friend Edith at Yardhouse. I was feeling incredibly lazy, comfy and I hadn’t even showered, but she said we could meet at 3pm. I got ready in a hurry and met her at her house and we took off together to Yardhouse.

We had a good time catching up and gossiping and talking about our lives and our plans. Then we got to talking with Edith when she arrived. We had drinks, and shots and more drinks. Then we ended up at the beach on a Monday evening when I have work the next day [insert facepalm emoji here]. It was around this time that I thought, Shit. I should have stayed home.

We laughed, we drank some more, we had fun, I somehow fell and scraped my knee with sand and then we head home around 1am. (Neither of us were driving, by the way.) I hear my phone so I answer Jorge’s text, who is quite obviously livid by this point. I have my phone in my lap and when we arrive at Mel’s truck she says, “Don’t forget your phone.” And I’m feeling around my lap and the floor and it’s GONE. Just gone. I had literally just texted Jorge 15 minutes prior. We looked and felt around and then we gave up. I couldn’t believe it was missing. Mel suggested that maybe it was on my lap but I dropped it in the parking lot. But I knew it had to be in the truck. I didn’t hear anything fall.

I get home, Jorge is pissed, naturally, and I strip down and shower because I have sand everywhere. We get into a quick fight and we both have to work in the morning so he takes his usual spot on the sofa and I go to bed. I feel like I went to sleep and woke up in 30 minutes. I feel like absolute shit and then I remember my poor phone is missing. I don’t know if it was the panic and sadness of losing my phone, or the amount of alcohol I had the night before or if it was my anxiety (or all of the above) but I was chihuahua-shaky all day with heart palpitations. It was awful.

Still, I held out hope all day that Edith would find my phone in the truck somewhere. I call it several times and it’s already dead and it hasn’t been charged so maybe someone didn’t pick it up in the parking lot. When I get the text from Mel that, nope, it’s nowhere to be found in the truck, I want to cry. I ask my boss if I can leave early so I can check if we dropped it in the parking lot of the mall (I knew it was a long shot), where we’d left Mel’s truck before leaving to the island with Edith. He lets me (he’s a saint) and I leave and arrive at the parking lot. I walk, in tall-ass heels, a flowy dress in the wind and with a badly bruised knee (my bad knee, to top it off), throughout the parking lot, checking under cars in 100 degree weather and nothing. Not even little shards of glass where someone may have run it over (I could have at least gotten my memory card out 🙁 ). I even go to each of the restaurants in the area and ask if anyone found a phone and nothing. I check with the mall’s lost and found. Nothing.

I am, once again, swearing off alcohol. I can’t believe I was so stupid!

The next day comes and as I’m leaving to work in the morning I notice my stupid back passenger tire is going flat. Great. All I need. My boss and one of the Sergeants are having a brief meeting and I told them about the tire. They both said they saw it and I should take care of it now. So I go to the tire shop and I’m told both back tires are BAD; there’s hardly any tread left. So how much does this cost? A whopping $650. No phone for me this week!

Since I’ve grounded myself the only outings I’ve had this week are work, of course, going to Goodwill during lunch on Friday to purchase some books and then Dee’s little girl’s birthday party at Xtreme Jump on Friday evening. Mel and I met there with our girls and their friends. I had already gotten to 137.9 lbs. from the stress of the week, but I’m sure I gained 2 lbs back from having flaming hots with cheese and chili. It was so good, though. No regrets. But then Mel and I started talking about our night out at the beach and we started talking about OMG what if we get the Rona?? Our throats were feeling itchy and my nose was running. So I got home and made some tea and took my vitamins.

By the next morning, I was better, thank God.

Visited mom and John today (wearing a mask, social distancing and Germ-x’ing, just in case) and ate lunch with them. On the way to Whataburger, away from Mom, John and I talked about our current mental health. It’s crazy how similar we are.

So that’s where I’m at right now. Using my iPad and Messenger for communication. Yes, I feel sorry for myself and yes, I’m owning my mistakes. Thank goodness for upping my anti-depressant/anxiety meds dosage last month, or else I would have been a basket case. I’ve been pretty calm, all things considered, and I’ve only cried twice! So that’s some progress. Been reading (finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” that Sally gifted me on my birthday and finally finished “Big Little Lies”. Just started “13 Reasons Why”) and still watching 90-Day Fiancé: Where Are They Now? Currently watching the “Tell All” of Season 3. These couples are probably my favorite cause they’re so scandalous! They make me feel normal 😆 . Anyway. Here’s hoping my next post will be more positive.