Author: Yajaira

The flutter I feel in my heart when I see you walking down the walkway. Greeting you at the door with a smooch.

Talking about everything and anything and snacking on chips and dip.

How you sit on that chair and look at me as we have a conversation while I washed the dishes from the day.

You, walking around and fixing things that were never fixed before. And teaching me about it all as you do it.

Changing into something more comfortable.

Being so close to you, in that way that we’re close.

Watching you cook and know your way around my kitchen, like you belong here. Because you do.

Dancing with you in the kitchen to “Tennessee Whiskey” while you hold me close, stroke my back, and sing the lyrics in my ear. (I think I dreamed of that moment with you many moons ago.) You’ve always said that song would remind me of you. It always does.

Getting our food together and having a bed picnic. Oh, those wonderful bed picnics! (I never ate in my bed before you.)

Watching a show with you that you obviously got me hooked on.

Not paying attention to that show due to other important activities and having to rewind to understand what’s going on in the episode.

You teasing me and me getting extra emotional, as I tend to do. You, with your patience, pulling me close, and reminding me that you love me.

Eating ice cream and switching pints, then switching back again.

Not feeling insecure as we shower together, because—as hard as it is for me—I trust you and believe you when you tell me I’m beautiful.

The cold, fresh sheets and the way you extend your arm, letting me know my resting place is ready, and I lay on your shoulder—my favorite spot—while you snuggle me and hold me close. (“This is the good stuff,” you always say.) You place my legs just right as we tangle up for sleep.

Your little breaths, little snores and twitching as you fall slowly into sleep. And I lay there, in my favorite place, soaking it all in, hoping and praying time can stand still throughout the night for just a little bit more minutes with you.

Little snippets. Because I want to remember it all. In case one day it doesn’t happen again.

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Ughhhh. Of course I would get a cold on the weekend, the same day I get my period. Not only am I having body aches from the cold—I’m also having aches in my lower back and uterus. Thank God I didn’t get a fever because I’ve had my heating pads on 24/7. Can you imagine!?

This cough kept me awake so I went to sleep really late. Still obsessing over plant care and looking up how to not kill certain species. I was bold enough to ask in the garden center of Walmart if they’d mark down a Snow Queen Waffle Plant because she looked like she was on her last leg. So they left the poor thing to me at $1.50. I hope I didn’t just pay for her to die at my house 😆 .

I guess I feel pretty good about just staying home and resting. I asked the kids not to ask for rides so I can get over this thing in peace.

I’m going to either watch “Workin’ Moms”, read or pass out. I already watered the plants that needed watering. Who am I kidding—I know damn well I’m going to go back into that Houseplant group I spend all my time in on Facebook and beg for tips on how to save my rooty Key Lime Pie succulent.