Category: MLV

For My Eyes Only

I don’t even know how to start this and that’s because nobody but me is going to see it. I guess I don’t want to put it–what I’m feeling–in writing because then it solidifies what I feel is happening.

I really do believe my marriage is over. I do.

I honestly thought Mario and I had beat the odds; that we were “that” teenage couple that actually stayed together for the rest of our lives. That’s what I always thought, from the moment I met him.

God, here I go with the fucking crying. I can’t stand that shit. Why can’t I be like him? Why can’t I just NOT care about anything? About my family? I don’t meant that. I’d always care about my kids. I just wish I didn’t have to care about him. Then it wouldn’t hurt as much knowing that the rollercoaster ride’s over and that it’s finally coming to a stop.

After 11 years. I can’t believe this.

Back when we first got together it always felt like it was over because he was such a dick, but I had that hope deep in my adolescent, naive heart that things would work out.

Our first year of marriage it felt like it was over because he was still a dick and I was so needy from the two years before of being with him, but I always knew it would work out because we were new at the whole marriage thing and everyone said the first year was the hardest.

Our fourth year of marriage it felt like it was over because after I had Jaylen he was awful to me all over again. I’m still not sure if he resented me for having a kid, or getting fat, or getting flabby after giving birth, or heck, if he was fucking someone else. But I knew it would get better because I honestly believed that God had us meet for a reason.

Hm. Now I guess I know why he never wanted to get married through the church. He’d feel too fucking guilty.

I don’t know what to do to fix anything. I tried being patient. I tried not giving a fuck about him not spending time with me and the kids. I tried being okay with him always going with his friends or cousins. But I can’t try anymore. I don’t think I’m being selfish at all when I say that I never received anything in return. Material things can only keep you happy for so long.

And now…my period’s late. Once I started working our sex life plummeted into oblivion. Then I started feeling heavier and heavier and I started wondering if maybe everyone’s advice about the pill keeping you fat started creeping its way into my head. So I got off the pill. I figured, shit, we’re not having sex anyway. My luck would have it that we actually were intimate either 3 or 4 times since my last period. Mrs. Ruiz started hers last month right after I did. I told her about my dilemma. She called me today to tell me she got hers. I still haven’t.

God forgive me for saying this: A child is a blessing, but I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t. If we’re not already headed in that path, another child will definitely get us on the road to divorce. He got me that stupid Bluetooth shit for the Equinox and while I was standing next to him while he was installing it he asked me if I’d gotten my period. I told him no. Then he implied that I should get an abortion because he didn’t want another kid. I can’t be married to someone like that. He’s way passed not caring about me anymore. Not even when we were 16-years-old and I got pregnant with Eenan did he ever once ask me to get an abortion. And now, at 25 and 26, married for almost 9 years and both employed he’s asking me to? I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with him. I seriously wouldn’t doubt if he’s with someone else. Why else would he change so much? I know he’s resented me since I brought up having another baby and got pregnant with Alaethia. I know he never wanted her. Or maybe it’s because I finally did get fat; maybe he’s repulsed by my body. Or maybe because the house is always dirty, or because I don’t make him breakfast anymore, or sometimes I’m too tired to make dinner or lunch. Or maybe he is with that Abby bitch or some other bitch like her (it would explain his non-existent libido). But I never expected him to be this way. To treat me and the kids like such shit. And I don’t mean he’s physically abusing us or anything, but verbally abusing me and ignoring the kids is just as bad. Putting himself and everyone else before us is just as bad.

I really do like my job, but I blame working for ruining my marriage. I should have just listened to him and stayed home with Alaethia. But no. I was tired of people asking me what I was “doing” and hated seeing them cock their head to the side and sadly say, “Oh…” when I’d tell them I was a stay-at-home mom.

Or maybe it wasn’t the job at all and were doomed from the beginning.

And I’m realizing that maybe I’m really not even going to have a dream house. Stupid thing to think about, but I had this lovely vision of us outside on our back porch, sitting on a lawn loveseat, my legs on his lap watching the kids running in our carpet grass. Then we’d go inside and wash up, make popcorn in our spacey, bright, clean kitchen and snuggle up on our green couches in the family room and watch movies on the 47″.

I also realized tonight that he’s in it for himself now. We were supposed to go to Jorge’s tonight. We were celebrating Sammy’s birthday, but we were going afterwards. 8 o’clock rolls around, so I ask him if he’s ready. He says he’s waiting for Adan so he can workout. Bullshit. Last night he was over there for 3 hours and was on fucking Myspace. He ends up falling asleep on the couch and then just sits around moping. It’s 9:30 and I ask him if he’s ready to go now. He said no, it’s too late. Really? I remember leaving the house last week at 9:45 and getting there at 10. I already knew what he was doing. He had other plans. Sure enough, about 10 minutes later he comes up to me, with that stupid expression on his face that I hate, and asks if he can go to Manny. I told him, “It’s too late to go to Jorge’s but you’ll go to Manny’s? Without us?” He gets all defensive and rolls his eyes and yells, “That’s why I’m asking you! If you don’t want me to go I won’t go!” So I figure he came to the room to stew for a while but when I come over here at 10:30, he’s gone. I texted him, but he doesn’t have the decency or balls to respond.

I see him and I just don’t feel the same. I feel so angry towards him. He won’t change. He won’t make us happy. He won’t make me happy. He would have done it by now. Like he’d say back when we were dating and back when he was into “cruising” and going to Watson’s (probably at the strip clubs Watson worked at), “You can’t change anyone unless they want to change themselves.” He was right all along.

Just One More Day

Yes. Just one more day till the weekend! I really can’t wait. Alaethia refused to go to sleep till 12:30 last night, woke up for a bottle at 3am and I could barely get up at 5:20, my usual time. I let myself “sleep in” 10 more minutes, but that just made things worse since I got a headache.

Today was SO hectic at work. The kids (and some teachers) are running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to meet the criteria to attend the field trip next Friday. (Which reminds me: I need to go and buy my own rollerblades. The ones at the skate center smell like rotten cheese.) I had kids going in all day asking me to check their goals. It’s so heartbreaking to have to turn them away because no matter how hard they try, they’re just not going to make it. I really don’t know why teachers don’t push reading until there’s a reward of some sort. Had the students been encouraged to read all year the majority would be going.

I had a little…talk with that kid that was rude to me last Wednesday. He was rude again today and I wasn’t having that crap. I don’t lose my patience very often, but this kid is just something else. Not even the rudest kids I’ve had the pleasure of encountering so far have been as rude as this one. But I think the talk might have worked, we’ll see. If there’s another little problem, I’m definitely issuing out a referral!

Things at home were much better. The boys were well behaved and Alaethia was cute, as always. She’s dancing to the little iPhone tune right now; shaking her bootie back and forth. Now she’s trying to change the channel on the TV. And is doing squats and clapping LOL.

I got to surf for a while, spoke to Sally on the phone and hung up most of the clean laundry that was laying on one of my sofas for a week. I’m terrible about putting laundry away, but I’m happy to know that my boss is also bad with it, so I’m not the only one. I made dinner (sandwiches, anyone?) and then worked out with Mary. I really don’t feel like it’s making a difference at all, but at least I’m doing something and making my heart work. I still need to work on my portion sizes and need to cut down immensely on my sweets-snacking if I want to see some kind of difference. I might go weigh myself at the nurse’s office tomorrow.

Anyway.

*sigh* I’m feeling stressed about certain things, but I won’t write about it now. Maybe I never will. I just want to document this so that I can look back and feel relieved that I made it through this and things got better.

Rushing

Couldn’t find a more perfect title for my entry. Rushing. It’s how I live my life these days. I rush to work in the morning. I rush around getting everything done that I need to get done at work, I rush at the end of the day so that I’ll get out on time — at 3 — and I rush all the way down that long, empty road to the boys’ school to pick them up. I get home and I rush around running errands, helping with homework, spending time with them, spending time with friends and/or family, making dinner, working out (yes, I’m REALLY working out!), getting everyone bathed, into bed, spending time with Mario and rushing into the shower myself, ironing and rushing to get into bed by 10:30 so I’ll at least get 7 hours of sleep — which usually doesn’t happen. And in the morning…I do it all over again.

I have to admit, it beats being bored like I sometimes was when I was a stay-at-home mom, but I also have to admit that after all these months of working: I’m still not used to it!

The last time I wrote I was weaning Alaethia off the bottle. I’m proud to say that that last time I updated was the last “bad” night we had while weaning. So, in total, it took 2 days to wean her off. Record! It took 3 days each with the boys. One of my proud moments as a mother, if I do say so myself!

The zoo was awesome! Mario didn’t get to go because we went on a Saturday and he works on Saturdays. But he didn’t want to go anyway. He’s been a sport in the past but he doesn’t very much enjoy himself LOL. Anyway, it was a cool day and Alaethia was dressed in fresh capris and floppy hat and the boys wore caps and jeans since it was cool in the morning. The aviary was closed but they had this cool new addition where we feed parakeets and cockatiels! That was probably the kids’ (including Alaethia) favorite part of the whole visit. I took some pretty awesome pictures; first time at the zoo with my Kodak Z650.

I didn’t take as many pictures of the boys with Alaethia as I wanted. Our traditional picture with the large, metal (?) alligator had two takes…the second one with a crying Eenan because he didn’t want to take the picture. I only got one with the turtle at the Reptile Room of Jaylen and Alaethia…and it was blurry. We didn’t even get one with the lion statue. Oh! And speaking of lions: all the animals were in heat! I took an awesome picture of the lioness on her back, roaring like there was no tomorrow. At first we thought it was a fake roar being emitted from some type of huge speaker. But nope, it was a real-life lion looking for her man…who was lazily licking himself feet away from her in a corner. Typical!

The boys got to pet a snake but I didn’t even get pictures of that. Or of them lovingly stroking a Silky Chicken…the fluffiest damn chicken I’ve ever seen! He was so cute and so tame. He’d let everyone pick him up and he’d just hang there, all limp LOL. I didn’t get pictures of the camel licking Alaethia, just on my cell camera. My camera and batteries aren’t used to me taking THAT many pictures in a few hours. It just died on me.

We bought souvenirs ($40 worth — EEK!) then ate at the mall in Brownsville. When we were getting back into the Equinox Eenan and Jaylen climbed in and I began to fasten Alaethia into her new big-girl car seat. It always happens: Mom doesn’t check to see if any of the kids are leaning on the door and the boys always lean on the door. You can imagine what happened next. Mom opened the door and out flies Eenan, back-first onto the sharp, bumpy pavement. It happened so fast I didn’t even have a chance to react, and even if I did, I had Alaethia in my arms and I was on the other side of the vehicle. I’d never heard Eenan utter such an earsplitting scream, and he screams a lot. A huge bump quickly formed where he hit himself. We held cold bottles and cold, wet napkins to his head since the ice in the ice chest had already melted by then. We kept him awake for 3 hours and he never showed signs of losing consciousness or slurred language so we didn’t rush to the hospital. We went to church that night and I prayed and prayed that he’d be alright and that the bump would go away. I prepared him for a visit to the doctor on Monday if the bump still hadn’t gone away.

We attended Mario’s cousin, Amy’s, baby shower on Sunday the 10th. It was at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. She looked too cute. She’s small-framed and even though this is her second baby, she’s still tiny.

I took Eenan to the doctor after school and work Monday afternoon. His bump had mostly gone down but I was taking him in anyway, as a precaution. Turns out it had been a Hematoma but since nothing odd or scary happened during the first 24 hours, he was absolutely fine. THANK GOD.

I spent Tuesday night finishing up my darn sewing project, the bag. I attended my last sewing class on Wednesday the 13th. We finished up our bag and then got a quick lesson on using patterns. We prepared pajama bottoms; all we had to do was sew them up at home. I still haven’t finished them!

Wednesday was such a stressful day at work. I spent the morning creating and sending out purchase orders, which is a new chore I’ve recently inherited. It’s such a pain do to those things. Plus the program wasn’t working on my computer so I had to keep bothering the ladies in the office for one of their computers. They didn’t mind, but I still felt like I was intruding. When I got back to the library I was in shock to find it completely full of kids. It was loud and my headache got worse. Then this kid made it worse by just being completely rude. I sent him back to his class and told him to come back when he felt like being respectful.

Valentine’s Day, well, it sucked. We were broke so I already knew we weren’t doing anything special. Mario didn’t get home early at all, either. And I don’t know what caused it, but we had one of our “talks” that we’ve been having quite often lately and he ended up leaving to Adan’s (his cousin) a street away instead of kissing and making up or something. Well, it’s not like it would have been much kissing since I had to go to sleep for work the next morning. Mary even offered to watch the kids during the weekend so we could get away alone together, but they’re having this huge sale at his work for the next two months and they’re not getting any days off. Yippy.

We had our first school dance at the new campus, the Favorites. We closed the library down since my boss was one of the coordinators and I was helping with the sashes and photos. Mrs. G. visited us and updated us on her life. Us being Mrs. R. and me. It was a nice afternoon. I had to rush home and get Aly and the boys ready so we could go pay bills. Mom tagged along. I was in such a rush, it was awful. I also had to buy an outfit for that night, since it was my company V-Day party. It took me forever, of course. Almost halfway home I realize I didn’t pay my Conn’s payment. I almost wanted to wait, but there was no way. It would ruin my no-interest, no-payment for 12 months!

I got ready in a record half-hour and still left a little late to pick Mario up from work. I was picking him up and he was leaving his truck in the garage at work. He changed and then we got to the restaurant. A new Mexican restaurant called Juancho’s. A whole lot of co-workers made it this time and we had a really nice time. My strawberry Margarita was delicious and the food was awesome. And Mario and I spent time together and laughed like the day before had never happened. After we’d had our fill of talk and food, we went over to Adan and Jason’s. We stayed there till 1am and then I got home and crashed the hell out!

I dropped Mario off at work the next day and rushed home to pick everyone else up. I shopped a little at Target, which was my Valentine’s Day present from Mario: shopping. I bought some really cute shoes and some blouses. Which was awesome because I’d be able to wear them with jeans the next week since we were having a fundraiser the whole week of the 18th to the 22nd. Mary’d gone with us that day. We paid bills, saw Gramma for a while, ate at The House of China (yum!), went to the movies to watch The Spiderwick Chronicles (which was an awesome and super cute movie! Now I want to read the books!) and then we topped it off by going to Walmart. I was SO TIRED.

We had another baby shower to go to, this time Cindy, another cousin of Mario’s. They had such cute decorations and even chocolate-covered strawberries! Alaethia started walking a lot more after that day. I think it was because everyone kept asking if she was walking yet and we’d say, “Well, sort of. Not really. Sometimes.” She’s doing pretty well taking steps on her own, but she’s not completely walking on her own yet. She is, however, dancing like there’s no tomorrow! And she “sings” which is really just humming. As soon as she hears music, she starts shaking her little hips and waves her arms up and down. She’s got excellent balance when she dances, too! And she’s still got her little “fangs” on her upper gums, but her two middle ones are coming in, too. Gotta get a good picture of the fangs. She’s just darling. And she’s only waking up once at night, thank goodness!

Oh, I forgot to mention: when I’d taken Eenan to the doctor the Monday before, I weighed myself and OMG, I weigh 127.5 lbs!! That’s seriously the most I’ve ever weighed while NOT pregnant! The most I should weigh for my height is 125, so I’ve got a slight problem here. Mary and I decided we were going to start working out. So we work out 3 times a week (it would be more if we had time!) for half an hour to 45 minutes. We worked out Wednesday and Thursday and stopped from Friday to Sunday. I’ve been trying my hardest to eat a little healthier, but my gosh, with my schedule at work I’m always starving and when I get home I pig out. And here I thought working would keep me from snacking. I weighed less when I was at home all the time!

Thursday was Eenan’s GT Parent Night. It was nice. There were several schools there and his class sang a song and they had this awesome display where they made sea animals with clay. He made this awesome barracuda! We had snacks at the cafeteria and then we bought chicken from Church’s. Totally defeated the purpose of working out, but we ate first and worked out afterwards. Yadira worked out with us that night. It was fun!

Not too sure what I did Friday…oh yes! The whole family was here and we all helped out dicing and slicing stuff up for the shrimp cocktail we were having that night. Eenan’s friend Pat came over for a while and his mom and I had a chat outside for a while. I had no idea his mom was the school nurse!

I cleaned house most of Saturday morning and we left to town about 4pm. The boys stayed with Mary, thank goodness, because I was going to Ross and they HATE Ross. I bought a few house things there: a lilac bath rug, some floating shelves for the living room and a huge pillow because I needed a new one. We went to see Gramma after that and then we came home. Then Mario and I and the kids (minus Eenan) went to Jorge and Maggie’s. I hadn’t seen her in a month and she’s been working! A pretty good job, too! We chatted and then I painted Alaethia’s toenails for the first time ever and then we came home.

It was Jorgie’s 7th birthday party the next day. Mario and I picked up some brisket plates I’d bought from a co-worker and then we had a mini shopping spree at Target. Gosh, I love Target.

The kids had a blast on the Moon Jump, including Alaethia. Maggie out-did herself with the food, as always. I got to see Jorge’s Mom, sister and cousin. I hadn’t seen them in forever!

Mario had the brilliant idea to pick up his dad’s screen, projector and the 360. Let me just say my 8 and 5-year-olds kicked 20-something-year-olds’ butts!! They came in second each time. They were only beat because Jorge or Mario would win at the last minute LOL.

Mario ended up staying there and I came home with the kids since I had to get ready for Monday. I was a bit upset about that. Even moreso when he never got home and then ended up sleeping at Adan’s because he didn’t have a key to get in the house, the moron LOL. He SAYS he knocked on the window so I’d let him in and he did text me, but I guess I was dead asleep. Oh well.

Monday was like every other Monday, including running around paying bills. Tuesday was SUCH stressful day at work. First, the internet was down most of the day and so I ended up with a huge pile of books that didn’t get checked in. Then at the last minute I’m asked to set up a projector, digital document camera and a laptop (and a screen, which I had to track down the janitors to put up) when I had 10 minutes left before I had to clock out. I ended up staying 20 extra minutes, which made me super late picking up the kids. At least I had dinner with Jessica to look forward to! I hadn’t seen her in forever! 5 years in fact! It was so fun. We went to Dustee’s Accessory shop and then ate at Chili’s. We ran into another classmate’s hubby and we spoke to him for a while and then when he left we gossiped and just had a great time. I don’t want to lose touch with her again! She’s one of my very best friends. I still need to meet up with Karina, Sally and Carmen sometime this week, I hope. I’m glad to be at a point in life where I’ve “found” a lot of my long-time best friends. My life seriously didn’t feel complete without them!

Today was a much easier and low-key. We had faculty meetings in the library all day so it was closed to the students. I had a chance to catch up on checking in books, shelving books (and Mrs. R. came in today and she’s LOADS of help!), chatted with my boss and then helped one of our best helpers reach his reading goal so that he can go with us to the field trip to Fantasyland Skate Center next Friday. He’s already half way there!

So there we go. Whoo! I made dinner tonight and worked out and got my blog typed up and finished for once! I didn’t finish up laundry, nor did I finish hanging up the laundry I did yesterday, but that’s okay. I deserve some time for myself, I think.