On Pins and Needles
I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, this morning actually. I was already in labor and Mario and I had decided that this time we’d have a Home Birth. We were both trained in everything we needed to do in case complications arose. When it was time to deliver, Mario of course cut the umbillical cord and did everything necessary during a delivery. When he wrapped the baby up in a blanket and put the baby on my chest I noticed it was a boy. I started panicking and said, “Where’s my girl?! What happened to our baby girl??”
In my dream I could feel myself hyperventilating and as Mario tried to calm me down I kept yelling, “There should be another one coming! The doctor said there were two babies and one’s a girl!”
An hour passed and nothing. No baby. Not even the afterbirth appeared after having the baby boy. We were getting ready to go to the hospital when I “woke up” from that dream in the dream and started telling Mario about it. We were walking with a stroller in tow downtown in McAllen. Then an old classmate from Middle School (Daisy) passed by us with a stroller and asked what had happened. And then I woke up.
I felt strange when I woke up–almost disappointed and then guilty for feeling disappointed. I kept thinking, “What if this baby is a boy and all this time I’ve felt it in my gut that it’s a girl?” I thought I was prepared and fine with the idea of having another son if this wasn’t a baby girl. At the same time, I feel like my maternal instincts are failing me since I’m almost certain this baby’s a girl. Then panic set in and I thought, “We haven’t even thought of a decent boy name!”
Maybe I’m subconciously preparing myself just in case this is a boy since my 15 week appointment is next Wednesday. This is the appointment where they may just tell me the baby’s gender. I’m also nervous because they’ll be doing the AFP bloodwork and that’s the point with Jaylen’s pregnancy when everything started going wrong. I was hoping for a girl last time and once I found out I would possibly loose Jaylen due to a chromosome defect I immediately started praying for a healthy baby and felt horrible for wishing for a certain gender–I didn’t care if it was a girl or a boy anymore. I’ve constantly prayed that this baby be healthy, no matter what sex it is because I don’t want history to repeat itself.
I know every pregnancy is different, but I’m so scared that they’re going to say that the AFP came back abnormal like last time. I’m not having an amniocentesis this time, no matter what the results are. But at the same time, I’m nervous that something could possibly go wrong. It’s so nerve wracking. I’m probably reading too much into it, but I’m a worrier at heart.
We’ll see. I’m nervously awaiting next week’s appointment. In the meantime, Mario and I better start agreeing on a boy name we both like, just in case ;).