Category: Sadness

I should be showering right now but I just have to mention a few things before I do.

First, I’m so proud of my Jaylen. He actually started writing his alphabet today. I didn’t force him–I just saw him drawing in a notebook and he started scribbling pretend letters. I wrote his name and he got excited and started copying the letters. He was so thrilled he was writing like a big boy that he had me sitting on my bed with him, a notebook and box of markers for an hour while he practiced. I’m SO glad he feels inspired to write, finally. I’d been trying for so long to get him to learn his alphabet. He knows his shapes and colors but I could not get him to sing the alphabet song or practice writing his name. Hopefully we’ve made some progress :).

John and I went to visit Gramma at the nursing home after his orientation. She’d asked us to take her some Hershey’s Kisses so we took them to her (John bought them for her, aww). A while back, about two weeks ago, she’d asked us to find a man she knew since middle school online and let her know where he was, or if he was even alive. I never got a chance to (and now my stupid internet is messing up) and she asked us about him today. I noticed it was the first thing she talked about and I think it’s because Mom wasn’t there. Turns out, just as I started suspecting, that this man is our Grandfather. I am not kidding you, just this morning I was wondering about my Grandfather–who he was and where he was right now. I need to find him. She said it’s important that she tells Mom about him before she passes away–which I immediately told her to stop saying. I’m not mentioning anything to Mom though–I promised Gramma I would let her tell her.

I accompanied Mary to the Rosary that was held for my Padrino Arturo at the funeral home today. I sat with my head bowed while everyone prayed. I tried following along as best I could, but I don’t know the prayers in Spanish =\. The emotion didn’t hit me until I went up there to pay my respects to Arturo and then expressed my condolences to his family. I felt my lip quivering and thought, “Oh, no!”, and just started bawling. I just can’t believe this happened. It’s not fair.

We stopped at Walmart for a few things and I saw Lucy there. We talked for a bit and then we came home. Since then I’ve balanced my checkbook and that’s it. I feel so lazy and tired. I’m on the phone with Mario–as soon as I hang up with him I’m showing and running to bed.

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Wednesday

Mario switched days off with Albert since Friday was his birthday (Albert’s). When I got home from school Mario, Jaylen and I were going to go see Yadira and Matthew since Mario hadn’t had a chance to see him at all. After that, we were to meet Mary at home and go to El Sauz to visit Oralia and pay our respects.

Mayra didn’t go to school that day and Lucy was going to go to her brother’s house so she wasn’t coming this way after school. I had to get home as soon as possible so neither of us could give Ricci a ride. Jennifer offered to give her a ride so we thought everything was fine.

Lucy didn’t end up going to her brother’s so she went home and I of course came straight home. I ate at Whataburger with Mario and Jaylen then went to Yadira’s. She wasn’t there, so Mario talked to Grandpa and Vito for a bit and we came home. Later on that evening when Mary came home, we went to El Sauz. I had forgotten how far the ride over there was. As we got closer I felt chills down my spine. I kept thinking how just two days before he’d been somewhere at his ranch and was being killed and nobody knew about it. It was terrible when we got there and Oralia just cried in Mary’s arms. I felt so bad for her. She kept talking about how she wasn’t going to be able to run the ranches and the bills by herself. It’s so unfair that she had him taken away from her. It’s just not fair. It scares me to death to think that something like that could happen to Mario and I. It scares me so much I’ll just stop right there and stop thinking about it.

Thursday

The next morning started out really strange. It was cold and rainy and Ricci called saying their car wouldn’t start so she wasn’t going to school. Traffic was crazy. I hate driving in the rain and that morning was just awful. Then, in the same spot in McAllen where traffic usually comes to a sudden stop from 65 MPH every morning, it came to a stop–only this time people were swerving a little because of the water. I prayed to God that nothing horrible would happen. Mayra called to tell me she was stuck in a traffic jam in La Joya so she’d be late. As soon as I (thankfully) get to school and in class Lucy calls that she’s stuck in the same jam. All of us are eventually there together and do our work. Our current class is…wow, I can’t remember the name, but it has to do with job placement and how to have an effective interview and all that jazz. So, we were working on our resume’s. Break time comes and we go to the lounge.

On the way back, we see Ricci sitting in the hallway in front of class with Jennifer and Kimberly. Lucy confronted Jennifer because of a dispute they were having the day before and Lucy let Jennifer know that Ricci told her something. Second break comes along and Ricci asks to talk to us in private. She confronts Lucy about telling Jennifer and then she slowly gets to the point where she’s asking why neither of us brought her home if we were both coming this way. I let her know about all the gas I’ve been wasting and how Mario got mad at me for wasting so much gas and that I needed to get home right away since we had things to do.

To make a long story short, she brought up how I “left” her at the store the day before Valentine’s Day and how she had to walk home and basically said that it was my fault. I retorted and said no, she hadn’t been going to school and I told her to call me to let me know that she was going, she didn’t so I went straight to school. We let her know we couldn’t always give her rides, and that I couldn’t give her rides after school anymore at all and she basically felt bad. She said, “Now I know what kind of friends you guys are”, and other things like that. I felt horrible for making her feel so bad, but that wasn’t my, or the girls’, intentions at all. I also felt a bit offended that she said that after all the things I’ve done for her. It turned into this huge drama, where Kimberly and Jennifer and two other girls who never even talk in class all felt like they needed to be heroes and went running to the bathroom to her aid. It was quite annoying. Jennifer ended up taking her home during the next break. I honestly couldn’t feel as much remorse as I would have since Jennifer and Kimberly kept butting in. I don’t know why they feel the neccesity to do that. I think they just wanted to leave early, to be honest *shrug*.

Friday

I would have felt pretty awkward if Ricci showed up in the morning, like she usually did when we went to school. But she didn’t. I felt even more awful that day. We spent the day at school revising our resume’s, filling out a psuedo application, and picking 15 questions that would be asked to us in an interview, then practice for a mock interview. I’ve yet to study them and our “test” is tomorrow. Our Final for this class follows, which is an interview done by someone, an instructor or someone else, from the school.

Since Mayra’s husband was waiting for her at the mall, I took her over there and we looked around for a bit before I left to meet Mario for lunch. We ate at Taqueria El Molcajete, which was delicious, and we talked and laughed the whole time we were there. I love him .

Saturday

Spent the morning cleaning and doing various things I needed to do, like renew Mario’s license online, find a storage unit place and buy plastic storage boxes. I put all my Care Bears and Rainbow Brite () stuff in the 30 gallon boxes I bought. It was so sad to do, but I had to :(. I took the boxes to our new storage unit, with John’s help, then came home, picked Mom up and we dropped Mario’s wallet off at work. From there, we went to Target where I was to search for some khaki pants for our Final on Monday. No luck at Target. I figured I’d buy a whole new outfit but of course the only nice black pants I liked were a foot longer than I was. Blah.

On we went to Marshall’s where I had no luck at all either. Right next door was Ross, and it’s usually an unsightly mess but I thought ‘what the hell’ and went. I found only one pair of pants in size 4 and the legs had clearly been run over by a shopping cart, the crotch looked like it needed a quick sew and I was going to have to pick the hem up at least 3 inches, but THEY WERE IN MY SIZE! I tried them on and they fit like a dream from the waist, so I got them. $79.00 Ralph Lauren pants for $14.99–gotta love Ross. I also got a cute little peasanty empire-waist top that matched the pants but I’m going to wear that on Tuesday for the May 20th class’ good-bye lunch and I’m wearing my salmon/white/brown/tan stripped dress shirt with salmon tank under it instead. The top was only $7.99. I plan on going back and buying many, many cute blouses and tees I saw.

Today

Made breakfast, cleaned, took a shower then went with Mary, Noelia, and Elda to a wedding expo at the Villa Real center. Not what anyone expected–there was hardly anything there for a “wedding”, but they did have two Italian restraunts who were giving out samples and a lady who did wonderful Calligraphy. We went to see a bridal shop that wasn’t open and then Mary and I ate at Olive Garden. Noelia didn’t feel well so she stayed in the car. We came home, I fixed my pants and then I just put stuff in boxes which we (John, Mario and I) later took to the storage unit. I’ve been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off for the past few hours getting everything ready for tomorrow. I didn’t even get to study properly. And this entry’s probably filled with typo’s but it’s too darn late to check them right now.

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Matthew Thomas was born on Saturday morning weighing 7 lbs. 14.6 oz.–and he was four and a half weeks early! He’s such a beautiful baby. He’s got the chubbiest cheeks, chubbier that even Eenan’s were at birth. I just want to squeeze and nuzzle him. He was born with a full head of hair. I’d forgotten just how soft and silky brand-new baby hair feels.

I went to visit him and Yadira around noon with Mom. We took her some flowers and were really quiet in her room since she needed total silence. Her blood pressure was still high so the doctors were trying to keep her as calm as possible. Mom, Mary (who’d stayed with her since 4 a.m. and was present for Matthew’s birth), and I whispered amongst ourselves while she rested. Mary went out to do something and Yadira couldn’t sleep so we talked. Her pediatric nurse, Tony, came in and told her how Matthew was doing. They were running glucose tests on him since she had Gestational Diabetes and his sugars were low. Babies are supposed to be around 45, but he’d gone down to 33 and Tony was afraid he’d go lower so they were keeping an eye on him. He said if it got lower Matthew might go into a coma. That’s scary to hear. Matthew was fine within a few hours so he got to visit and feed with his Mama.

I decided that I need to take care of myself, especially since I want to have another baby soon. I haven’t had Gestational Diabetes with either of my pregnancies, but I couldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t eat well and excersize and I got it this time around. Mom and Dad both have Diabetes, so there’s a chance I might get it, but with a proper diet and excersize I should be fine.

I have at least 15 lbs. exactly to lose before I’ll allow myself to get pregnant, which I’d really like to get a move on already . I thought once Matthew was born it would be enough to satisfy my baby hunger, but I think he just made me want a baby even more (he’s so CUTE!). I’ve been thinking of conceiving for the past few months and kept hinting to Mario about it who would just say he wanted to have our house first before we had another child. It made me sad to think about it, that he didn’t want to try, but I started thinking maybe it was for the better that we waited. Although my uterus yearns to be occupied, I kept thinking about finishing school and starting work and how a baby wouldn’t be possible at the moment.

Tonight, my husband came home and tossed my birth control pills in the trash. I’m so ready for this. I’ve got names picked out and everything. Who knows when we’ll actually start to try; what with him working all the time and school and the kids and housework draining me out it seems impossible to even start trying, but it thrills me to know he’s come around this time, and hopefully for sure. We’re not telling anyone till we actually know we’ve conceived . Maybe I shouldn’t be writing about this here…

I got this wonderful news about Mario wanting to try for a baby after I got a call from Mary that our Padrino, Arturo, was found dead, probably murdered, at his ranch. Our Madrina, Oralia, couldn’t find him for two days and today in the afternoon, they found him. His truck and body were completely burned. It makes me sick to think of it–of how someone could be so damn inhuman to do something like this. We hadn’t seen them in so long; I feel horrible. Why would anyone have something against him? I just don’t get it at all. We’re going over there tomorrow to visit Oralia and pay our respects. I don’t know how I’ll be able to see her that way. They’d fight all the time, playfully most of the time, but she spent most of her life with him. She just had him ripped away from her, just like that. It came out on the news tonight, the first breaking story they had, but didn’t say much. God, I just can’t believe it. I hope they find/catch whoever’s behind this.

I should go take my shower now and try to think of the good things instead of the very, very unfortunate.

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