I was an emotional wreck four weeks ago.

The last time I updated Mario and I had a little argument (“little” being an understatement). I didn’t talk to him till the next day, partly because I didn’t see him till the next day. As always, he acted like nothing happened. He called in the afternoon on Saturday (March 1st) to invite me to dinner at Chili’s to “make up for yesterday.” I spent the morning at home and paid off our Volkswagon credit card and over half of Home Depot. Then I made Mario’s truck payment and yelled for everyone to get in the Equinox. All my kiddos, Mom, Mary and I were going to town. We went to all our banks, Mary paid a bill, the boys got games at Gamestop (with their own saved allowance), Eenan got a Halo toy and Digimon toys at Wal-mart, we went to see Mario so he could fix my signal lights, we bought chips at Stripes to hold off the boys till we met Mario for lunch, bought a cute chest (that we’re using for video game paraphernalia) at Big Lots, and made my Circuit City payment. I learned my lesson last month; they made me overdraft because I’d made the payment at the beginning of the month and it didn’t go through till the end before we got paid again since I only ever deposit enough for the online bills we have. We ate at Taco Bell with Mario, which was nice and we were civil. We went to see Gramma afterwards and then went to Target. We got home and I put the chest together. Then I waited for Mario to call and give me the okay to meet him at Chili’s. When I was giving Eenan a hug before we left I noticed he felt a little warmer than usual. He said he felt fine; that it was probably because he was covered with my comforter.

Mario and I got to Chili’s (seperately) at 10pm and stayed for about an hour and a half. I had my usual frozen strawberry Margarita and we ordered the Tripple Dipper (spinach and artichoke dip, boneless wings and fried cheese), and my favorite: shrimp Alfredo. There must be a shortage of shrimp somewhere because they only served me four miniscule shrimp. Grr.

Mario and I talked about different things: work, life, the kids and then something that’d being weighing on our minds for a week and a half: the possibility of me being pregnant.

I’d had the bright idea what seemed like 5 short weeks before to stop taking my pill to see if it would help with my weight-loss. In the meantime, I was looking for alternatives and we were being “careful”. Well, Elvira (Mrs. R. from work) and I usually “start” around the same time. Actually, she’s starting when I’m finishing. When I started panicking I asked her if she’d started already and she already knew why I was asking. She said no when I asked. But a day later, Friday, she called after work and asked if I’d gotten mine because she got hers. I was almost in tears. For those two weeks I kept thinking, “This can’t be happening! Alaethia’s too small to have a new sibling! I can’t be pregnant while doing my job and I like my job! Mario barely sees the other 3 kids. I’m barely getting 5 straight hours of sleep! I can’t go through this again! OMG I’m going to get fatter! OMG another college fund! 4 weddings!” And-so-on-and-so-forth.

It didn’t help that Mario wasn’t supportive at all. He was freaking out as much –if not worse– than I was. I had a little cry sitting there across the booth from him at Chili’s. He told me something that night that made me resent him a little; something I never thought I’d hear him utter from his own mouth. It may have just been because he was worried, but still, it’s unforgivable. And no, I’m not being overdramatic.

We woke up the next morning (Sunday, March 2nd) and just chilled out. We weren’t going to get to do much since we had a meeting from 2:30 to 4pm for Eenan’s First Communion class. My Equinox needed an oil change and we needed a few groceries so we figured we’d go to Walmart. Well, the lines at the auto place were super long so we just got a few things. We went home and then sat, rather confusedly, through the Communion class. It had absolutely nothing to do with Communion. They were chanting and screaming and then did some play where I know there was a lesson in there somewhere but man, I was confused. We all were. Mario up and left outside with Jorge and Yazmin. When we were done we packed up Alaethia and her things, left the boys with Mom and then went to Comp USA since Mario wanted to get memory and a harddrive for the ol’ E-Machines so he could rebuild it for himself. It was closed. We went to Circuit City to look for the stuff there and I asked about the laptop on sale in the ads. We’re still joking about it now: Mario says he has no idea how it happened, but he nodded yes and all of a sudden I own a new 15″ Toshiba laptop, heh. Problem solved. He wanted his own computer and I wanted a smaller one. We’d end up spending the same amount for everything he wanted to get to rebuild the desktop, so it worked out. He kept my “old” 17″ Toshiba and I kept the smaller new one. I got my anniversary gift early :).

When we got home I checked on the boys and was startled when I gave Eenan a hug and he was burning up. Paul had just gotten here so Mario could do some work on his van’s system, so I gathered all my stuff, left Aly and Jaylen with Mom, while Mary called around to check which pediatrician’s were open on a Sunday night.

She found a place in Mission that had just opened and we left. They were pretty fast there. I gave Eenan a pep talk and warned him that they were going to do a swab test in his throat to check for Strep, because I could bet a thousand bucks that’s what was ailing him. He acted like he was brave and ready, but when the nurse walked in with a lancet to poke his finger (to check his blood for infection) and the long q-tip, he freaked out and started screaming. He HATES getting his throat swabbed. It took two nurses and myself to hold him down and it still didn’t work. Then one of the nurses–I don’t know how she did it–coaxed him into giving in and he got swabbed. Results came in: positive Strep.

He was prescribed antibiotics and Motrin for fever. No school on Monday. We had to go to McAllen to Lee’s Pharmacy because it was the only thing open that late on a Sunday. Since his insurance didn’t cover Motrin, I bought it over-the-counter. Then we headed home. I was freaking out because their very important state test, TAKS, was on Wednesday. The doctor had assured me, though, that he’d be fine by then. I could only pray.

My boss and I spent Monday and Tuesday running reports and checking to see which kids were going to qualify for the field trip to Fantasyland Skate Center that Friday.

I sent Eenan to school on Tuesday (the 4th) because he hadn’t had a fever since around 2am that morning. I get a call on my cell (while the assistant principal was in the library, thankyouverymuch! It never gets signal at any other time!) and it’s the school nurse telling me that she couldn’t give Eenan the Motrin because it didn’t have a prescription label on it. My blood starts to boil (because how dare you deny my son medication he needs when he’s got a written note from his mother granting you permission to do so!) and I calmly tell her that I followed procedure and sent a note. How did she expect it to have a label if his insurance doesn’t cover it and I got it over-the-counter. After we exchanged words for a few minutes she asks if it’s okay to give him Tylenol, because that’s the only other option. I tell her that’s fine, but Tylenol does NOT have any effect on him at all and he would be getting his fever back. She doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm and tells me that she’d be sending a note from the code of conduct book with proper procedures to follow about medication. Patronizing cow.

We were having a pep-rally for the 7th and 8th graders since they were having the TAKS test the next day. First pep-rally at our brand-new gym! As everything’s starting and we were locking up the library Estella, one of the secretaries, waves me down and starts running towards me. My heart sinks and the first thought that comes to me is “Eenan”. Sure enough, the nurse had called and couldn’t get ahold of me. I called back. She said his fever was at 102 and that he seemed really sad. I felt like laughing and screaming at her at the same time. OF COURSE, LADY! DIDN’T I TELL YOU TYLENOL WOULDN’T WORK!!! I made sure to rub it in. Idiot woman. So now she wanted me to get out of work and pick him up. If I left at that time (1:30) it was 1 1/2 hours till I got out of work but I’d end up losing a whole half-day. I made some calls and Mary said she’d pick him up. Thank God.

After I’d gotten that taken care of I called the school to ask about the TAKS. They transferred me to the test coordinator and I asked her what options we had if he was too sick to attend school on Wednesday. She told me if he went to school on Wednesday and began the test and then felt too ill to continue, he’d get all the questions he didn’t get to answer wrong and most likely he’d fail. She said our best bet would be to keep him home that day and send him to school on Thursday, because it was the make-up day and the last day they’d be able to take it. Eenan’s friend, Patrick’s, mom is the nurse assistant and I spoke to her when I called back and she gave the phone to Eenan. He’d been crying because he was so sad and scared that he’d miss the TAKS and stay in 3rd grade. Man, they really strike fear in their hearts with that darn test!

When I got home that day I told Eenan I should take him to the doctor, his actual doctor, to check on his medication and follow up because he was still getting fevers once the medicine started to wear off. He said he felt fine. I insisted, he refused. Fine.

Oh, and that letter the nurse sent with the list of “procedures”…? It stated right on the letter that over-the-counter medications that were non-prescription were to be sent with a note from the parent granting permission to administer the medicine. Mmhmm.

So now I had that weighing on my mind. And as the days seemed to stretch on with no period in sight, I started to convince myself that we’d be okay with 4 kids. That even if the whole world turned their noses up at me because I was 25 (or 26) with 4 kids I would be happy and I’d love them all the same.

Then Wednesday rolls around and THERE IT IS! I never thought I’d feel that thrilled to be on the rag. The cramps and back pain felt beautiful. I guess it was a combination of stress and my new work-out routine that caused the delay. You can bet that right after it was over I started a new pack of pills. I don’t care how fat I stay (okay, YES I DO): I don’t want to go through that ever again! I’m perfectly fine being a mother of three at the moment :).

It was TAKS day and miracle of miracles, I wasn’t a hall or bathroom monitor this time. So Mrs. V. and I caught up on some things and I worked on inventory while she ran more reports. Mary called and told me Eenan started to burn up again but she’d given him his next dose of Motrin and Tylenol. I made plans to work only a half-day so I could take him to the doctor. Now I was really nervous. Last day of TAKS was the next day and he HAD to feel better.

My boss and I had an awesome talk about UIL and other things and then I came home to pick Eenan up. I took him straight to the doctor, which took forever, but I was grateful that they saw us in the first place–we arrived 10 minutes late. The string of Strep that Eenan had was resistant to the amoxcillin the other pediatrician had prescribed. So they prescribed Zithromax, the generic brand, which tastes like earwax. We made a quick trip to Family Dollar after the pharmacy to pick up chocolate pudding to hide the Zithromax in. It worked pretty well, even though he took about half an hour to eat it.

Mario called after work that night to drop off his credit card so he could buy himself the AR-15 he wanted for our 9-year anniversary this month (the 27th). That was my gift to him.

Thankfully Eenan felt much better the next day and when I called to ask how he was doing during lunch they told me he’d finished his test way before lunchtime and he was feeling alright. I’m so glad!

I spent most of Thursday doing inventory again in my boss’s office since they were testing kids in the library and they needed silence. We were closed most of that day. When I got home I cleaned up, did everything that needed to be done and Mom, the kids and I all went to town to run errands. I needed to buy some rollerblades for our trip the next day, because I didn’t want to wear the stinky, super-sharp ones you rent from the rink. It took forever to find rollerblades without a black brake (they’re not allowed at the rink) and it took two trips to Target and one from Academy to find them (at Target). I got a few scrapbooking supplies, too (everything was on clearance!).

We gathered all the kids the next day, gave them the rules and all the teachers/sponsors took their groups (I was in charge of 7th grade, which was a small group of kids I’ve developed friendships with). It was so fun. I couldn’t wear my brand-new rollerblades because they were just too slippery. I felt like my legs were going to give out under me every time I got on the rink. So I ended up renting some anyway. I spent most of my time helping students skate. Time flew by and a few minutes before we left one of the 8th graders I’d been personally helping reach his goal started a fight. I felt so disappointed. He’d been doing so well and it took one wrong look to revert back to his old ways. He was even rude to my boss, which he’d never done before.

We got back to the school and had lunch in the cafeteria. We had a few kids that were injured so my boss was with them at the nurse’s office and I was alone in the dark library scanning the few books we had so I’d leave for Spring Break with no work to come back to. I didn’t get to do much since our internet’s still super slow. It’s like being on dial up! But I didn’t let it get to me because I was officially on vacation!

Rolando, Eenan’s best friend, spent the night. We had the whole family over and everyone chipped in time and ingredients to have shrimp cocktail since it was a Friday. I love those nights :). Eenan kept abandoning Rolando, but Jaylen would step in gladly and entertain him.

We got up the next morning, late, and made plans to go to town. We all sardined ourselves in my Equinox (Mary, Mom, all the kids and me) and we stopped by Goodwill, which was really disappointing. I hardly found anything good, but I found some brand-new Pokemon toys for the boys. Mom wanted to treat all three boys to the carnival, so there we went. I didn’t get any pictures except for my cellphone because I forgot my camera. Grr. It was the boys’ first time at the carnival after 3 years and Alaethia’s first time, ever. The boys had so much fun and so did Alaethia since she was in her beloved stroller. The boys got on a kiddie rollercoaster about 20 times, the gravatron (which made poor Rolando feel dizzy so he sat out for about 20 minutes), the house of mirrors, this other really cool walk-through thing with sliding steps and tunnels, bumper cars, air planes, my gosh–they had tons of fun. Us adults had fun watching them!

We spent a good three hours there and since it was already 4pm by the time we left and hadn’t had lunch, we stopped by Little Caesar’s to buy some pizzas. We came home, ate, the boys got on the trampoline and then Rolando went home. He’d invited Eenan to a party (with pony rides!) but we had to go to church since Mary wouldn’t be able to go the next morning due to some meetings she had to attend. So Eenan and I went that night. Mario got home and we just chilled out. We’d made plans to go practice shooting the next day at the shooting range with Jason. He called Jason to confirm plans, but Jason said he wouldn’t be able to go till 1pm. That wouldn’t do since I had Carmen’s babyshower to go to at 3 the next day and since it was in Weslaco, I’d have to be back home by at least 12 to start getting ready, stop at Target to pick up a gift card, and make it on time. He tells me that we’d go to his Grandpa’s property in Los Ebanos instead and we’d practice there. I had this weird feeling in my gut, but I swallowed it down and said okay.

There. Got that other post off my chest. I made that one completely private, since I really don’t need anyone to know about any of that stuff. Sorry guys. Just needed to vent.

Today was a happy day. Most of it, anyway. I gave myself 10 extra minutes of sleep in the morning since they were having Breakfast of Champions, which is when a group of teachers bring breakfast. I picked up an iced coffee from McDonald’s and headed to work.

I got there 6 minutes early, which just NEVER happens. Shocking!

I had 2 tamales, a huge strawberry, some grapes and strawberry/orange juice. After that, the day became pretty hectic. The kids were especially working hard to meet the criteria for the field trip today since it was the last day to qualify. I had our 8th grade helper and a 7th grade bad-kid-turned-a-b-honor-roll-student reading and testing all day. And their teachers actually gave them permission and passes to be there most of the day. I’m going to feel horrible if my boss doesn’t let them go for not reaching every last percent they need. They’ve worked so hard. Granted, their teachers should have been encouraging them since the beginning, not having them rush at the last minute. Some of them even had them cheating, but you didn’t hear that from me.

I went to lunch pretty late because I was running back and forth helping all the kids. Then I had to set up some equipment for another meeting in the cafeteria and chatted with Mrs. R. for a little bit. I didn’t get to do much at all today because of all the testing and monitoring going on, so I’m going to have TONS of work to do on Monday. I don’t think my boss was too happy about me leaving 20 minutes earlier too, which I absolutely had to do since I went over 20 minutes on Wednesday. It was worth it though, watching the kids get excited about reading and trying their hardest.

I got home and just chilled out. Then I started balancing the checkbook and figuring bills out. We received our tax refund today, but it’s totally spent already. We’re paying off bills. I paid off Furniture Row today, so our olive-green sofas are officially ours! Now I just gotta pay off the Volkswagon Visa, part of Home Depot and we’re only going to get to pay a pinch of Target. I figured though, that if I don’t use it anymore and pay $124 a month for the next, eh, 2 years, we’d have it paid off. Yep. That’s a lot of money. We’re actually missing about $400 of the refund since Mary accidentally forgot something. She’s going to fix it and send an amended one and hopefully we’ll get it back. It would sure help.

We celebrated Sammy’s birthday; yummy lasagna and salad. I love when the family gets together.

Wow, I’m dosing off. I should have taken advantage much earlier–around an hour and 45 minutes ago–and fallen asleep with Aly.

I don’t even know how to start this and that’s because nobody but me is going to see it. I guess I don’t want to put it–what I’m feeling–in writing because then it solidifies what I feel is happening.

I really do believe my marriage is over. I do.

I honestly thought Mario and I had beat the odds; that we were “that” teenage couple that actually stayed together for the rest of our lives. That’s what I always thought, from the moment I met him.

God, here I go with the fucking crying. I can’t stand that shit. Why can’t I be like him? Why can’t I just NOT care about anything? About my family? I don’t meant that. I’d always care about my kids. I just wish I didn’t have to care about him. Then it wouldn’t hurt as much knowing that the rollercoaster ride’s over and that it’s finally coming to a stop.

After 11 years. I can’t believe this.

Back when we first got together it always felt like it was over because he was such a dick, but I had that hope deep in my adolescent, naive heart that things would work out.

Our first year of marriage it felt like it was over because he was still a dick and I was so needy from the two years before of being with him, but I always knew it would work out because we were new at the whole marriage thing and everyone said the first year was the hardest.

Our fourth year of marriage it felt like it was over because after I had Jaylen he was awful to me all over again. I’m still not sure if he resented me for having a kid, or getting fat, or getting flabby after giving birth, or heck, if he was fucking someone else. But I knew it would get better because I honestly believed that God had us meet for a reason.

Hm. Now I guess I know why he never wanted to get married through the church. He’d feel too fucking guilty.

I don’t know what to do to fix anything. I tried being patient. I tried not giving a fuck about him not spending time with me and the kids. I tried being okay with him always going with his friends or cousins. But I can’t try anymore. I don’t think I’m being selfish at all when I say that I never received anything in return. Material things can only keep you happy for so long.

And now…my period’s late. Once I started working our sex life plummeted into oblivion. Then I started feeling heavier and heavier and I started wondering if maybe everyone’s advice about the pill keeping you fat started creeping its way into my head. So I got off the pill. I figured, shit, we’re not having sex anyway. My luck would have it that we actually were intimate either 3 or 4 times since my last period. Mrs. Ruiz started hers last month right after I did. I told her about my dilemma. She called me today to tell me she got hers. I still haven’t.

God forgive me for saying this: A child is a blessing, but I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t. If we’re not already headed in that path, another child will definitely get us on the road to divorce. He got me that stupid Bluetooth shit for the Equinox and while I was standing next to him while he was installing it he asked me if I’d gotten my period. I told him no. Then he implied that I should get an abortion because he didn’t want another kid. I can’t be married to someone like that. He’s way passed not caring about me anymore. Not even when we were 16-years-old and I got pregnant with Eenan did he ever once ask me to get an abortion. And now, at 25 and 26, married for almost 9 years and both employed he’s asking me to? I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with him. I seriously wouldn’t doubt if he’s with someone else. Why else would he change so much? I know he’s resented me since I brought up having another baby and got pregnant with Alaethia. I know he never wanted her. Or maybe it’s because I finally did get fat; maybe he’s repulsed by my body. Or maybe because the house is always dirty, or because I don’t make him breakfast anymore, or sometimes I’m too tired to make dinner or lunch. Or maybe he is with that Abby bitch or some other bitch like her (it would explain his non-existent libido). But I never expected him to be this way. To treat me and the kids like such shit. And I don’t mean he’s physically abusing us or anything, but verbally abusing me and ignoring the kids is just as bad. Putting himself and everyone else before us is just as bad.

I really do like my job, but I blame working for ruining my marriage. I should have just listened to him and stayed home with Alaethia. But no. I was tired of people asking me what I was “doing” and hated seeing them cock their head to the side and sadly say, “Oh…” when I’d tell them I was a stay-at-home mom.

Or maybe it wasn’t the job at all and were doomed from the beginning.

And I’m realizing that maybe I’m really not even going to have a dream house. Stupid thing to think about, but I had this lovely vision of us outside on our back porch, sitting on a lawn loveseat, my legs on his lap watching the kids running in our carpet grass. Then we’d go inside and wash up, make popcorn in our spacey, bright, clean kitchen and snuggle up on our green couches in the family room and watch movies on the 47″.

I also realized tonight that he’s in it for himself now. We were supposed to go to Jorge’s tonight. We were celebrating Sammy’s birthday, but we were going afterwards. 8 o’clock rolls around, so I ask him if he’s ready. He says he’s waiting for Adan so he can workout. Bullshit. Last night he was over there for 3 hours and was on fucking Myspace. He ends up falling asleep on the couch and then just sits around moping. It’s 9:30 and I ask him if he’s ready to go now. He said no, it’s too late. Really? I remember leaving the house last week at 9:45 and getting there at 10. I already knew what he was doing. He had other plans. Sure enough, about 10 minutes later he comes up to me, with that stupid expression on his face that I hate, and asks if he can go to Manny. I told him, “It’s too late to go to Jorge’s but you’ll go to Manny’s? Without us?” He gets all defensive and rolls his eyes and yells, “That’s why I’m asking you! If you don’t want me to go I won’t go!” So I figure he came to the room to stew for a while but when I come over here at 10:30, he’s gone. I texted him, but he doesn’t have the decency or balls to respond.

I see him and I just don’t feel the same. I feel so angry towards him. He won’t change. He won’t make us happy. He won’t make me happy. He would have done it by now. Like he’d say back when we were dating and back when he was into “cruising” and going to Watson’s (probably at the strip clubs Watson worked at), “You can’t change anyone unless they want to change themselves.” He was right all along.