Category: Domestic-ness

So Many New Beginnings

It’s been a while since I last wrote. There have been so many ups and downs, happy and sad times this year—it’s been a whirlwind for sure.

I start my 5th semester of school tomorrow. A 5-week minimester—that’s always fun. I started off with the wrong degree plan, so when I went in to switch it last semester, I essentially “lost” two classes (which are several credits—6? I think) towards my degree plan. So I added another semester to my timeframe, basically. Boo.

I also start my new position at work tomorrow. Waiting for word on that alone was torture. I had so much stress in December (MOVING to an apartment, interviewing, going to training in DC, amongst other things) that I started to lose my hair. Not just a little, either. I’m currently taking medication and having injections every few months to circumvent my hair loss. But I digress! My new position isn’t TOO different from what I already do, but it still makes me nervous. I don’t want to mess up or say the wrong thing. I’m sure once I get more training then I’ll be more comfortable. I recently learned that our trainings will go back to being virtual, which honestly makes me feel more at ease. I WAS going to have a travel buddy but that’s gone out the window and traveling alone makes me SO anxious. At first, since most trainings were going to be in DC/Maryland, I was thinking of putting school on hold because I didn’t want to be overwhelmed, but I think if we stay home and do virtual trainings I could possible stick with school. There’d be no restaurants or sightseeing to be experienced so it works out.

Jaylen graduated from his academy on May 3rd. Proud doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about my boy! We had a nice time at the Bottomless Lakes in New Mexico and then at Balmorhea State Park. We even got to experience 2 hail storms while we were out there. Jaylen and Angela are all settled into their cute apartment with their kitties. I’m so happy for my baby.

Sally is getting married!! And I’m a maid of honor along with her sister, Tina! Alex proposed on Valentine’s Day, which was so awesome. He did a great job. Her bachelorette is in July so I need to get ready (and save) for that. Have I been able to work out? Of course not. Have I stuck to Keto? Negative.

I’ve also been navigating through these last two weeks feeling really hurt and confused. When I finally put my foot down with a selfish person in my life a few months ago and decided to walk away—they came back with promises and tears to keep me in their life. When these things were being told to me, I had reservations about it because I didn’t believe it. But then things were happening; things were falling into place! I couldn’t believe it! I was thrilled and elated. And then things began to change, things went back to being how they were before. It doesn’t help that my PMDD was in full force this last week which further exacerbated my emotions. I just want to stop feeling sad. I have so much to be grateful and happy for, but I feel so betrayed that it magnifies my sadness. I just need to keep repeating the awful things that were told to me to help me move on. Again. I’m so dumb. I also need to figure out how to calm the fuck down because my anxiety has been AWFUL. I can’t go into my training this week with my head and heart feeling this way.

Anyway. it’s 9:00 am and I’m already feeling overwhelmed. I need to do laundry, clean (especially my restroom. Ruffles is SO much messier in his old age!), visit mom and visit Eenan. He called me feeling sad yesterday when I was feeling sad and I need to see my boy.

Ok. Gotta start this day.

Ah, the Itchy Stage

Day 5, Post-Op. I’m not feeling as much PAIN in my ankle, per se. I’m feeling a lot of stretching and discomfort and ITCHINESS! I just want to reach something in there and scratch above the right side of my ankle but there’s some iron-clad splint all up in there. The back is getting itchy, too, but I’m thinking it’s because either the incisions are starting to heal, or they already have and my weird, jerky, involuntary movements are causing the scabs to stretch and tear. *shudder* Just thinking of it gives me the heebee jeebees. But yes. I think my anti-depressants are causing me to develop Tardive dyskinesia (this is my hypochondria speaking) or I have restless leg syndrome, because even before surgery I was getting these weird spasms and jerks in my legs, usually around 11pm. And now it’s apparently happening when I sleep, because I’ll wake up from sleep with a bad pain. I’m just praying it’s my imagination and that my incisions are healing perfectly.

I’m also feeling quite tender and bruised towards the top of the splint/cast, sort of near my shin and calf. It’s the weirdest pain ever. Jorge said it’s probably because of them shaving my muscle off of the bone to make repairs. Just thinking of that makes me want to faint.

My face still has the weird scabs I noticed when I woke up Wednesday morning, the day after surgery. I think I had old zits or some that were forming and they didn’t give a fuck when they ripped the intubation tape off my face 😆 . Now I have these scars and a cut and it’s taking all the power within me not to mess with them when my anxiety strikes. I already managed to chew the inside of my cheeks and some of my lips. Why can’t I just stop doing that!?

I’ve spent the day finishing up “The Hook Up Plan” on Netflix and now I’ve started “Valeria”. They’re pretty good! I also finally opened and started using my AirPods I bought for a good deal on Target.com. I gotta say, I love how they make phone calls sound. I swear, sometimes I think I’m going deaf like mom. It really frightens me.

I ventured out into the house today! Emily pushed me in my computer chair LOL. But I immediately regretted it because my Halloween decorations are out and my Thanksgiving ones are not D: . There were old cups and dirty dishes on the dining room table and on the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen nook table had a juicy, rotting banana on it *aherk*. Emily cleaned that up. And threw the moldy, fermented apple juice down the drain. I was trying not to have an anxiety attack. She was supposed to make spaghetti because that was the deal if I got us Raising Cane’s for lunch, but because the pots and pans she needed were dirty, she refused to cook. Same, kid.

So she made me a sandwich instead. I am SO nervous about gaining weight while I’m thrown in this bed. I swear, I will not take being active for granted once my ankle is healed. I couldn’t imagine being stuck to my bed like this. This is a huge reminder about eating better and not going full Type 2 Diabetes (I was pre-diabetic during my last check-up). I think of dad and his amputations. I think of Mom and her now using a wheelchair most of the time. I think of grandma and the 61 years she spent confined to her bed.

Don’t get me wrong, the resting and downtime is great, but it’s frustrating not being able to clean, or do laundry or dishes (even though I hate it), or organize my bedroom or my desk. I’d like to move my Cricut machine to where it’s more functional and I can use it better, but there are too many Knick-knacks on my desk and shelves and I can already hear the girls whining if I ask them to help. The little time I spent in my computer chair in the kitchen really made my leg sore, so I came back to my room.

I guess I’m done whining for now 😆 . Going to get back to watching “Valeria”. And figuring out how not to lose my shit with the itchiness happening in my foot.

2021 So Far – Super Quick Recap

Feeling super adulty today. I didn’t sleep in and I did most of the laundry yesterday, which I usually do on Sundays and am killing myself at 12am when there’s still shit to be dried. Anyway! So I only have a couple of loads of towels to wash and then I’m done with that. I also filed my taxes–hell yeahhh! I remember waiting till the last minute last year and then bitching when my refund took forever LOL. I’ve got bills to pay this year so, I’m on pins and needles waiting for that money.

Since my last post: I’m liking my job. Love the pay (even though taxes, retirement and health insurances KILL ME), love that I have my own area (cubicle–my first job where I’m posted up in a cubicle!) and I get to read at my desk during lunch. My co-workers are all awesome, but I only get to see 2 of them every 2 weeks. How do I explain it? Like, they’re scheduled for 2 weeks in a row and then they telework for 4 weeks or some crap like that. Luckies. But I recently started teleworking once a week, which is nice, but this past week was a disaster. The internet kept crapping out, I deleted a file from our SharePoint like a dumbass that I couldn’t retrieve and then I had to go in halfway through the day because a shipment of supplies was being delivered *face palm*. My boss didn’t reply to my texts about going in because he was in a meeting and I didn’t want to end up HAVING to go in and being in a hurry, so I panicked and went in. He sees me in the office and says, “What are you doing here??” *face palm #2* But it was still a good day.

I met one of my female co-workers for the first time this week and I just love her. We are both girly, love pink and plants. And have tons in common! She even gave me cuttings from her beautiful Golden Pothos!

As for Jorge and I…we decided around…December? that we would see how things would go between us. He did start taking meds for his mental health issues (but forgets to sometimes and then we both can’t handle it) and he did see a psychiatrist like I suggested (but then stopped going). Most of the time he’s the “old, OLD Jorge”–the Jorge that was always completely infatuated with me and just loved spending time with me. But sometimes, like lately, the “bad, old Jorge” makes an appearance and I can’t deal. It brings back too many bad memories. I’ve decided that this year I’m working on my inner peace and dealing with his (or anyone’s) bullshit ain’t for me. Not doing that anymore. It’s taking a lot of motivation that I’m struggling to find, but I’m working on my goals this year.

My kiddos are doing fine, even though Eenan doesn’t come over as often as he used to, but we do video chat. Jaylen, Alaethia and Emmos are here the majority of the month, but still visit their dad (who is, amazingly, buying his own house after all these years). I’m still renting my same house, but hoping that’ll change in the future. So much of my money gone to waste on rent, but at least we have a roof over our heads.

Dimitri (John’s baby) turned 2 on January 30th.

Alaethia turned 14 last month and Emily turns 12 this month–crazy!!

The girls have recently gotten really into working out; I hope they continue long enough so that I can join them. I’m telling you–that damn motivation is hard to find! I’ve unsuccessfully started and re-started Keto. I messed up this weekend, again. But I NEED to get on the ball. I’m holding steady at 142-145. FML!!!

I’d rather read (“Luster” by Raven Leilani, “When No One is Watching” by Alyssa Cole are my most recent finished reads) than go for a walk, but I did yesterday with the girls. It was nice taking Jack Jack with us (oh, Jack is my Shih Tzu that Martha gave us at the end of January <3 !).

I don’t think I wrote about it, but around September/October, mom started having really bad pains in her back and started losing mobility in her legs due to the pain. She had about 3 falls–with the last one being so bad that I asked Aunt Nora for help with getting her into a nursing home. It was a good thing I showed up after work that day, because after Linda left, Mom decided to go to the kitchen for lunch and fell and stayed there all those hours till I showed up. I didn’t have a key to John’s apartment so I had to call the ambulance and ask John to please hurry. He got there before the ambulance did, thank goodness. It was heartbreaking to see her there on the floor when we barged in but we didn’t want to move her. The EMT’s did and she was in so much pain. Turned out that she had several old fractures and the newest one was causing the intense pain. She decided on her own after that that she did want to be in a nursing home. It was a relief. I thought she would become more depressed, but she’s got some awesome neighbors and roommate and nurses. Her roommate, Sonia, and her very good friend, Bill, spend time with mom and have actually gotten her to go out and play bingo and get her nails done. I’m so happy she’s happy. I have to get a Covid test done every 2 weeks to ensure that I’m negative and to be able to visit her, but it’s worth it to see her.

The girls (my friends) and I had been having weekly Girl’s Nights, but because Covid is once again on the rise, we’ve kind of halted. Mary, from Quinta Mazatlan, passed away due to Covid. It was a shock. Duvin, my old co-worker from TABC, passed away from a heart attack. It’s just so sad. Javi is also very sick. He’s back in Austin with Dinah. He hasn’t replied to messages or tagged me in cat posts on Facebook like he used to, so that worries me also. I know his condition is very grave, but we’re all hoping for a miracle.

Ok, going to make sure these girls get the dishes in the dishwasher before I start the foods for Superbowl. Go Tom Brady! I mean, Buccaneers!!