Category: Emily

2021 So Far – Super Quick Recap

Feeling super adulty today. I didn’t sleep in and I did most of the laundry yesterday, which I usually do on Sundays and am killing myself at 12am when there’s still shit to be dried. Anyway! So I only have a couple of loads of towels to wash and then I’m done with that. I also filed my taxes–hell yeahhh! I remember waiting till the last minute last year and then bitching when my refund took forever LOL. I’ve got bills to pay this year so, I’m on pins and needles waiting for that money.

So since my last post: I’m liking my job. Love the pay (even though taxes, retirement and health insurances KILL ME), love that I have my own area (cubicle–my first job where I’m posted up in a cubicle!) and I get to read at my desk during lunch. My co-workers are all awesome, but I only get to see 2 of them every 2 weeks. How do I explain it? Like, they’re scheduled for 2 weeks in a row and then they telework for 4 weeks or some crap like that. Luckies. But I recently started teleworking once a week, which is nice, but this past week was a disaster. The internet kept crapping out, I deleted a file from our SharePoint like a dumbass that I couldn’t retrieve and then I had to go in halfway through the day because a shipment of supplies was being delivered *face palm*. My boss didn’t reply to my texts about going in because he was in a meeting and I didn’t want to end up HAVING to go in and being in a hurry, so I panicked and went in. He sees me in the office and says, “What are you doing here??” *face palm #2* But it was still a good day.

I met one of my female co-workers for the first time this week and I just love her. We are both girly, love pink and plants. And have tons in common! She even gave me cuttings from her beautiful ivy!

As for Jorge and I…we decided around…December? that we would see how things would go between us. He did start taking meds for his mental health issues (but forgets to sometimes and then we both can’t handle it) and he did see a psychiatrist like I suggested (but then stopped going). Most of the time he’s the “old, OLD Jorge”–the Jorge that was always completely infatuated with me and just loved spending time with me. But sometimes, like lately, the “bad, old Jorge” makes an appearance and I can’t deal. It brings back too many bad memories. I’ve decided that this year I’m working on my inner peace and dealing with his (or anyone’s) bullshit ain’t for me. Not doing that anymore. It’s taking a lot of motivation that I’m struggling to find, but I’m working on my goals this year.

My kiddos are doing fine, even though Eenan doesn’t come over as often as he used to, but we do video chat. Jaylen, Alaethia and Emmos are here the majority of the month, but still visit their dad (who is, amazingly, buying his own house after all these years). I’m still renting my same house, but hoping that’ll change in the future. So much of my money gone to waste on rent, but at least we have a roof over our heads.

Dimitri (John’s baby) turned 2 on January 30th.

Alaethia turned 14 last month and Emily turns 12 this month–crazy!!

They’ve recently gotten really into working out; I hope they continue long enough so that I can join them. I’m telling you–that damn motivation is hard to find! I’ve unsuccessfully started and re-started Keto. I messed up this weekend, again. But I NEED to get on the ball. I’m holding steady at 142-145. FML!!!

I’d rather read (“Luster” by Raven Leilani, “When No One is Watching” by Alyssa Cole are my most recent finished reads) than go for a walk, but I did yesterday with the girls. It was nice taking Jack Jack with us (oh, Jack is my Shih Tzu that Martha gave us <3 !).

I don’t think I wrote about it, but around September/October, mom started having really bad pains in her back and started losing mobility in her legs due to the pain. She had about 3 falls–with the last one being so bad that I asked Aunt Nora for help with getting her into a nursing home. It was a good thing I showed up after work that day, because after Linda left, Mom decided to go to the kitchen for lunch and fell and stayed there all those hours till I showed up. I didn’t have a key to John’s apartment so I had to call the ambulance and ask John to please hurry. He got there before the ambulance did, thank goodness. It was heartbreaking to see her there on the floor when we barged in but we didn’t want to move her. The EMT’s did and she was in so much pain. Turned out that she had several old fractures and the newest one was causing the intense pain. She decided on her own after that that she did want to be in a nursing home. It was a relief. I thought she would become more depressed, but she’s got some awesome neighbors and roommate and nurses. Her roommate, Sonia, and her very good friend, Bill, spend time with mom and have actually gotten her to go out and play bingo and get her nails done. I’m so happy she’s happy. I have to get a Covid test done every 2 weeks to ensure that I’m negative and to be able to visit her, but it’s worth it to see her.

The girls (my friends) and I had been having weekly Girl’s Nights, but because Covid is once again on the rise, we’ve kind of halted. Mary, from Quinta Mazatlan, passed away due to Covid. It was a shock. Duvin, my old co-worker from TABC, passed away from a heart attack. It’s just so sad. Javi is also very sick. He’s back in Austin with Dinah. He hasn’t replied to messages or tagged me in cat posts on Facebook like he used to, so that worries me also. I know his condition is very grave, but we’re all hoping for a miracle.

Ok, going to make sure these girls get the dishes in the dishwasher before I start the foods for Superbowl. Go Tom Brady! I mean, Buccaneers!!

This Only Happens to Me

Thursday, August 27th is a day that I’ll remember for a good while. First, I had a follow-up appointment for results with my obgyn. I’d gotten a Colposcopy 2 weeks before, because a month ago my results from my 6-month appointment came back abnormal. Once again, I had “low-grade cells”. So once again, like in December, I had a Colposcopy. It’s not fun. Well—any appointment where your hoo-ha is in someone’s face and they’re digging around with cold metal tools isn’t fun. But anyway. They practically turn you upside down to execute this procedure and the “pinch” from the biopsy is less than pleasant. It takes your breath away. But it’s important to do and I try my hardest not to miss these appointments. Thankfully, my results came back negative. My doctor scared the crap out of me when he walked into my room and said, “CONGRATULATIONS!” I’m sitting in an office where most women are pregnant…so hearing that WORD made my heart sink. I immediately say, “Wait, I’m here for results,” and he laughs and says, “Oh! No, I’m SO SORRY! I mean, congrats, everything came back normal!”

Sweet. Jesus.

So after the scare of my life and setting up another appointment in 6 months, I went on to my primary doc. I had to see my doc so she could determine whether I was going to get another prescription for my antidepressant or be referred to a psychiatrist/psychologist (don’t know which it would be). So I spoke to my doc (after they drew blood, which sucks because for the first time in a while I had coffee with heavy whipping cream instead of fasting and I’m sure my cholesterol is going to be through the roof 😥 !), and after a series of questions and her asking me how I feel I ended up getting a higher dose of medication. It’s something I probably should have done 6 months ago, when my anxiety and depression was at an all-time high due to all the drama, but I’m glad I finally did it. I don’t know if it’s the placebo effect of just knowing I have a higher dose, but I think it’s really making a difference! Usually, around Shark Week, I suffer from PMDD, but this time I have only slightly gotten sad for no reason a couple of times! No crying all day! Finally!!

That day was also my 1 month Keto-versary! One month of FINALLY sticking with it without breaks or losing my mind and going on a 1-2 month sugar binge.

Quest Pizza
Keto snack haul from Walmart

Yes, I had the occasional cheat here and there, but I always started back up immediately. I don’t feel as bloated and although I was hoping to lose way more for my first month, I lost anywhere from 6-9 pounds. I’m not really sure if I started at 149 (that’s what the scale at the doctor had said when I started—and it’s the same scale at home) but by the time I weighed myself at home I was 146. So I’m going with 9, because it makes me feel better 😆 ! So right now, I’m sitting at 140 and in a size 11 (juniors) and 8 (misses) and top in medium-some small.

I was feeling so proud that I decided I was going to start with my 2-mile walks that night, without skipping days, like I used to when Lucia and I would go together (man, I miss her!).

No filter

So I changed into my workout clothes, wrapped my belly in my sweat-wrap thing, wrapped my knee in KT Tape, put my knee brace over my tape and pants and I was ready to go. Around 1.5 miles I start feeling a weird, itchy pain on the inside of my thigh above my knee and I feel like maybe I should stop walking. But, like always, I trudged on to hit 2 miles and loosened my brace when I got to my car. I got home, removed my sweat-wrap and knee brace and sat next to Jorge on the sofa and told him about how weird my leg felt. I told him, “I think the friction of the tape and knee brace is what’s bothering me. I’m going to shower.” So I showered and removed some of the tape (it’s expensive, I didn’t want to remove it all!). I dried up and got dressed and I couldn’t stand it—I had to peel off the remaining tape. I did it carefully—very carefully—because you can rip your skin off. I was in shock to see that I was developing little blisters.

The shiny stuff is Neosporin

This reminded me of the time I got my breast reduction surgery/lift and as soon as I was able to shower my scars became inflamed and turned into blisters, just like this! I’m wondering if this batch of KT Tape had whatever chemical/ingredient that the Steri-Strip tape had that I’m allergic to. (Oh, how I wish I could have sued someone! That was a terrible experience!) This had never happened to me with KT Tape in the last 3 years of using it!

The next day when the blisters popped >_<

Needless to say, my leg was extremely sore and any stretching (I kept forgetting and trying to sit with my legs crossed) caused immense pain. So I didn’t continue with my 2 mile walks. Ugh.

I had told Jorge early Saturday that I would like to go on a date. He said he would be tired getting out of work, but how about we go for a day at the beach on Sunday? I was excited! I’d been wanting to go to the beach for a while to get some sun and just enjoy a drink and a book while feeling the breeze and having the ocean as my soundtrack. Plus, maybe spending some time alone together at the beach would rekindle our rocky-since-March-marriage? Didn’t hurt to try.

The plan was: I would accompany him to work and then we’d head to the Island. Of course we would wake up late and then we were rushing. Still, he was in an ok mood. He completed his to-do list at work while I read my book and then we took off. We had to stop at Walmart since we needed a canopy and chairs and Jorge needed some flip flops. We got done, found a restaurant to eat (because we’d both skipped breakfast) and he was already very close to hangry. Still, I tried to be gracious and calm. Luckily the appetizer and our drinks came.

I felt like the flavor of my Piña Colada was off. But I drank it anyway. (Yes, I was already having a cheat meal.) I had the Almondy, which I’m sure was coated in flour and my sauce definitely had flour. Plus it came with potatoes, but I only ate a few.

We finish lunch and drive around looking for a beach access. We figure easiest thing to do would be to have drinks at Clayton’s and access the beach from there. We get off the car and get our things together to go change. We’re walking through CROWDS of people, many of them not wearing masks. Ugh. Jorge’s anxiety is going through the roof and he says he doesn’t want to be at Covid-Central. I tell him, “Let me just change into my bathing suit and we’ll go somewhere else.” It was boiling in that bathroom stall. I came out drenched to find Jorge even angrier. He said, “We didn’t get the damn flip flops.” Oops. I knew we forgot something…

So we go back to the car and think of what to do next. I tell him we don’t *have* to go to the beach, besides, just changing into my bathing suit gave me a headache (no, really).  He says, “We’re already here, may as well.” And then we both pass out for like 15 minutes in the AC. When we wake up, I have a pounding headache. We groggily look around and realize the empty parking spaces are completely full. We got out of there quick. All the County accesses were still closed. People were even going to the “end” of the strip where the dunes are, and were immediately turned back by police. We ended up at a City beach access, where it “only” took about 30 minutes to find a parking space.

Canopies aren’t allowed at the City beach, so we only take our chairs and cooler with drinks. We find a spot, and finally! Bliss.

I definitely didn’t feel as cute as I did in 2017-2018 when I had lost all that weight, but I still hiked up my cover-up to tan my legs 🙂 . I read some, then we went out to the water for a bit (it was SO NICE). I had 2 drinks, and around 3/4 of the way through the second one I started feeling really tired and almost nauseous. Jorge drank the rest of it. I told Jorge I was ready to go, so we gathered our things and made our way to the car. I easily changed into my going-home clothes and Jorge was quickly getting annoyed again because people kept passing by his window when he was trying to change. I tried being playful when he was halfway through changing his trunks and I made an “oooh” sound and he snapped, “I’m not in the mood, stop.”. So that annoyed me and I ignored him after that.

As we’re driving down the main strip he asks what I want to do. I said, “Go home,” and continue reading my book. He asked if I wanted to get Pineapple Ninjas after all, and I didn’t really feel hungry so I told him, “Well, maybe a drink. I want one of those pineapple drinks.” (I know that I shouldn’t, because of the sugar…) He drives there quietly and I ask if I have to get down—I was sweaty, my hair was a mess and I was really starting not to feel good, but I didn’t know how. He scoffs, clearly annoyed, so I say, ok, fine, I’ll get down. Then he says I don’t have to 🙄 but I’m already exiting the vehicle. I don’t know why I thought the drink had rum in it, but obviously it didn’t, so when I tell Jorge I don’t want one after all he glares at me and says, out loud, in front of everyone, that I’m wasting his fucking time. And storms off to the car. I’m embarrassed and rush off behind him. We get into a yelling match and by then my head feels like it’ll explode. He drives to Los Fresnos and parks in the parking lot of a Stripes and asks if I want something to drink. I dryly say no. He gets down to smoke and then we head home. Silently.

He asks what I want to do for dinner when we get closer to McAllen. I tell him I’m not hungry (not because I was having a fit, but because I really wasn’t, even though the last time we ate was at noon). I remember this and tell him, “Well, maybe Kumori”. He said, “I was thinking the same thing.” So that’s what I order: the family pack and my usual salmon salad with avocado and a sliced jalapeño firecracker. We get the food and head home. We unload the car and I take my stuff to my bedroom and I get really dizzy. I can’t stand my head, so I take 2 Ibuprofen. I change and go back to the living room, where everyone has started eating. I LOVE how Kumori smells—love it. But smelling the food sent me straight back to my bedroom. I lay down and almost cry from the intense pain in my head. And then it happens: the pre-puking heart racing and gagging. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a fear of vomiting (emetophboia). But I felt SO BAD that I was almost relieved to run to the bathroom, where I began to vomit for what seemed like forever. I had a 30 minute break and then started all over again. It was the worst. Smirnoff Ice Margaritas and fish don’t taste very good coming back up. So disgusting.

My head was still hurting but it wasn’t the blinding pain it was before. I continued to feel nauseous so I called in to work. I was terrified to eat so I drank chicken broth with sea salt for 2 days and drank Powerade Zero and Gatorade Zero like my life depended on it. And to top it off, I couldn’t tell if the stomach cramps were from the heat exhaustion or whatever it was, or period cramps–cause of course I would start 🙄 .

I ate pretzels because I wasn’t sure what else to eat that was Keto. All these years and I still don’t know how to transition to solids after a stomach illness.

But I did get right back to Keto as soon as I felt better!

But then I went to happy hour with Martha:

And then finally got to go over to Mel’s to catch up. Emmos and Alaethia slept over. We had such a great time, the food was great and the girls even tried teaching us the WAP dance 😆 . Honestly, it’s an amazing workout bahahaha.

Ranga!! Tori’s pet chameleon!

Oh, and I finally got new glasses.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this next week continues to be good to me.

2019 – Everything’s the Same, but Everything Changed

I guess instead of updating weekly or even monthly, I’m going to do a bi-annual update. Or better yet: yearly. 🙄

I’ll probably go back and post a mass photo dump of birthdays, holidays and events–because I hate missing recording those moments here. But I guess a quick recap of the last year will have to suffice for this post.

We spent a lot of time going back and forth between home and San Antonio every other weekend. Well, I did–Jorge was already there, obviously. I’d usually go when we didn’t “have kids” and they were with the “other parents”.

Sometime before the holidays I stopped “Keto-ing” and screwed up my eating habits terribly. I’d go back to attempting to hop back on the low-carb train but it was to no avail–it seemed like my lack of willpower had completely derailed my Keto train and crashed into a firey wreckage. Needless to say, in the last 6 months I’ve packed on about 15-18 of the 20 lbs I’d lost and managed to maintain for 1.5 years while I was doing Keto. So disappointed in myself!

This also means that I’ve gone from running at least 3x a week to doing nothing. Which is pretty bad considering my awesome, super-low-key job is 95% sedentary.

I had attempted a “Run for 30 days” goal for myself in the month of December to counteract the sweets-binging that was happening since Halloween…only to injure myself 8 days into it because I was trying desperately to run an 11-minute mile 🙄 . So there went that.

I knew I needed to keep myself occupied–especially with Jorge away so much–otherwise my thoughts and anxiety would slip away from me and it was over.

So–the brilliant idea I came up with was I’d start school! I had finally ordered the assessment training book I’d need to review to take the mandatory placement exam I’d have to take to start school in the Spring/Fall, and I had my mind set: I was going to do this! Even if it meant graduating with my kids 😆 !

At the end of December, once I had mostly gotten over the sprain from the beginning of the month, I started running right after work and was really happy with my routine:

Drop girls off at school, go to work, eat lunch at work (it helps me focus on low-carbing), change into running clothes at work at 5pm, run, pick up HEB Curbside if I had to (Curbside and HEB Delivery are a GODSEND), get home and shower and make dinner, talk to Jorge on the phone, sleep.

It was a great week. (–Yes. I only got to keep my routine up for 1 week. I’ll get back to that shortly.)

Then comes the new year and I’m finally motivated enough to stick with my plan.

Sandra came over on January 4th to catch up and have cocktails. Jorge had invited Robert over after work for drinks too. As we’re sitting around, Justin calls Jorge about picking him up from his mom’s. Then their mom calls to tell Jorge to pick Justin up. They had just gone with the other parents the previous day, so we found that kind of peculiar. Jorge is going back and forth on texts with Justin and with their mom and finally, Justin decides he’s staying with his mom.

Cut to Saturday night, where Jorge and I are alone and had ordered take-out and were watching “Black Mirror: BANDERSNATCH”…till 2am! We kept “playing” over and over again to achieve the maximum happy ending…until we gave up lol.

We wake up at 9am on Sunday, January 6th to find missed calls from the boys at 5:30am. We panic and start calling and texting frantically until we finally get through to Jorgie and rush over to their mother’s apartment to pick them up. We didn’t know what to expect; all the other times we’d tried to pick the boys up when we “weren’t supposed to have them” there were always cops waiting.

Long story short: Jorgie and Justin have lived with us permanently ever since. Jorge was home for a few weeks and so the transition wasn’t anything drastic–yet. Then came time for Jorge to leave back to work and I needed to figure out driving schedules. When I told them how early we’d have to leave and how late I’d have to pick them up after work I was positive they’d change their mind entirely and say they wanted to go back to their mom’s. But, they didn’t. They were okay with the upcoming routine. I look from them to Jorge after the discussion and I say, “So, that’s it? They’re ours?? They’re gonna live here?” I give them both hugs and Jorgie says, “So I can call you Mom now??” I said, “Dude, I’ve always been your mom.”

(Just to clarify: I have never and won’t ever try to take the place of their biological mother. On the contrary, I’ve encouraged them to reach out to her, even now.)

When a few more weeks passed and they were still with us and I took them to pick up stuff from their mother’s after school, they put their white trash bags full of belongings into the back of car. As I got ready to drive off, realization hits me again and I say, “So this really is for real?” Justin looks over at me and says, “Gee, Yajaira, I thought this was for real.” I explained to him that it had happened before–they would get into it with their mom and stay with us and then she’d want them back. They said, “Nope. Not going back.”

It’s still surreal to me that after all the custody battles and years of trying to “get them”, just *poof*. All of a sudden, they live here.

Needless to say, my trips to San Antonio came to a standstill, since now we had the boys and it would get expensive lol. Instead, Jorge would come home–when then started taking a toll on him and his sleep schedule and work schedule. That, in turn, caused us to be at each other’s throats.

Since Jorge works away most of the week my schedule changed completely. I’d wake up an hour earlier to get the girls and Jorgie and Justin in the car and dropped the boys off by 7:15am (an hour and 45 minutes before they even had to be at school, poor things), then I’d drop the girls off by 7:35 to get to work by 7:55. It was tiring for everyone, but we had to make it work; there was no other way.

Same for the afternoons. I’d get out of work and instead of going to run or to buy groceries I’d go straight to pick the boys up. Again they’d have to wait for me for an hour and a half after they got out of school to be picked up.

We spent a lot of those first 2 months stopping by a place called Snowball Express–buying junkfood and sometimes completely forgoing dinner to have snacks. I wasn’t running or exercising at all. And I felt the difference from one day to the next–no joke!

That shit creeps up on ya!

I’d completely stopped low-carbing, and was much less sticking to the Keto diet. And it showed. Because my acne had ALSO made a comeback. Ugh.

Then, to top it off, my brain was going 100mph, non-stop and I’d begun clamping my jaw again from stress, which resulted in needing to use my mouth guard again. I hadn’t used a mouth guard since I left the Chamber!!

As I’d mentioned in my post from October 9, 2018, (my last “in-real-time post”) I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that my anxiety was taking a toll on my well-being. I had accepted it. But the little breakdowns at work (it’s happened 3 times) for absolutely no reason except that I was probably on my period and incredibly hormonal and someone slightly inconvenienced me–well, that shit needed to NOT HAPPEN.

So, in February, I went to the doctor because they needed to see me in order for me to get a refill on my acne topical medication. I told the doc about my acne problem and since it was a new doctor I’d never visited with before, I gave her some history. She asked about stress and I told her that I seriously didn’t have much to stress about–my job was the most chill job, ever–but it was perhaps all the free time that I had at my job that caused me to cycle thoughts in my head repeatedly. She asked what a day was like for me and I told her about the kids and how I recently became the boys’ primary parent, in essence, and about how I wanted to start school, too. I told her how my husband worked away from home most days–and then IT HAPPENED. I STARTED BAWLING FOR NO REASON. I pointed to my face and choked on a sobby-laugh and told her, “You see what I mean?? It just happens! She said, “What you described in 1 day is way more than one person can/should handle. And then you want to add school, which is great, but we need to get you to get to a good state first.” So, she prescribed anxiety medication–which I was adamant about staying away from for years, but I figured I’d give it a go. What’s the worse that could happen? I chill out? LOL

Cut to 6 months later and although I’m much more carefree about things (sometimes TOO carefree) I still stress out, just toned down about 80%. The one side effect that I’ve had the most trouble with is the 15 pound weight gain I’ve had. It’s depressing. The pill makes you lethargic, which in turn makes you want to sleep. That’s all I wanted to do at first. I had no energy so I became infatuated with Bang drinks (Frose Rose, Rainbow Unicorn, Cotton Candy and Georgia Peach Tea are my faves!) but they heighten my heart rate and anxiety, boo. The lethargy is also the reason I’ve stopped running and working out, plus the kids’ end-of-the-year stuff.

Alaethia and 2 of her besties (they call me mom ?). Alaethia was wearing one of my new dresses and heels!

I also recently, FINALLY, had a visit with a dermatologist to get to the bottom of my acne problem. She prescribed a brand new topical medication plus a new pill that I have to take at night with a snack. It’s also a diuretic. AND, I was trying to get back to Keto and was doing really good until she confirmed I needed to lay off the sugar and DAIRY if I want to make an actual, internal difference, not just on the surface. That about killed me. The only thing that was left to bring me joy was cheese and Halo Top/Enlightened ice cream–and now I couldn’t even have that!! Suddenly, my goals of being healthy and happy with a clear complexion weren’t looking too appealing! I seriously wanted to throw in the towel; but decided not to. I’ve just got to focus and get serious about it. It’s just incredibly frustrating that I KNOW what being on Keto does for you and I’m still expecting the same results as last time, which was an 8-lb weight loss in 2 weeks, but I keep sabotaging myself!. And the last time I was finally focused and was eating how I should (starting April 20th till I sabotaged myself after my dermatologist appointment) I had GAINED a pound in over a month!! BUT–I know I’m not being completely consistent because I’ll mess up during the weekend and then I have to start all over. Ugh.

Being an adult is hard.

But it’s also got its silver lining. My kids are becoming more independent! At the end of the school year Jaylen started driving and we’ll send him off for errands. And Justin is driving too now, so he was driving himself and Jorgie to and from school. That was pretty darn badass and a relief that last week of school lol. At least we have a solution to that now, thank goodness!

It’s always fun hanging out with the kids, too. Which is mostly what my evenings and weekends consist of these days. They’re my best little broke friends 😆 and they’re pretty darn awesome.

Also, John is a DAD NOW!! I finally have a baby to love on and buy things for ??. I just wish I could see them all the time ?!!

So there you have it, folks. It is now summer vacation and I must start some kind of worthy routine, which includes school. I need to do this for myself. NEED TO!!!