Day 5, Post-Op. I’m not feeling as much PAIN in my ankle, per se. I’m feeling a lot of stretching and discomfort and ITCHINESS! I just want to reach something in there and scratch above the right side of my ankle but there’s some iron-clad splint all up in there. The back is getting itchy, too, but I’m thinking it’s because either the incisions are starting to heal, or they already have and my weird, jerky, involuntary movements are causing the scabs to stretch and tear. *shudder* Just thinking of it gives me the heebee jeebees. But yes. I think my anti-depressants are causing me to develop Tardive dyskinesia (this is my hypochondria speaking) or I have restless leg syndrome, because even before surgery I was getting these weird spasms and jerks in my legs, usually around 11pm. And now it’s apparently happening when I sleep, because I’ll wake up from sleep with a bad pain. I’m just praying it’s my imagination and that my incisions are healing perfectly.
I’m also feeling quite tender and bruised towards the top of the splint/cast, sort of near my shin and calf. It’s the weirdest pain ever. Jorge said it’s probably because of them shaving my muscle off of the bone to make repairs. Just thinking of that makes me want to faint.
My face still has the weird scabs I noticed when I woke up Wednesday morning, the day after surgery. I think I had old zits or some that were forming and they didn’t give a fuck when they ripped the intubation tape off my face 😆 . Now I have these scars and a cut and it’s taking all the power within me not to mess with them when my anxiety strikes. I already managed to chew the inside of my cheeks and some of my lips. Why can’t I just stop doing that!?
I’ve spent the day finishing up “The Hook Up Plan” on Netflix and now I’ve started “Valeria”. They’re pretty good! I also finally opened and started using my AirPods I bought for a good deal on Target.com. I gotta say, I love how they make phone calls sound. I swear, sometimes I think I’m going deaf like mom. It really frightens me.
I ventured out into the house today! Emily pushed me in my computer chair LOL. But I immediately regretted it because my Halloween decorations are out and my Thanksgiving ones are not D: . There were old cups and dirty dishes on the dining room table and on the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen nook table had a juicy, rotting banana on it *aherk*. Emily cleaned that up. And threw the moldy, fermented apple juice down the drain. I was trying not to have an anxiety attack. She was supposed to make spaghetti because that was the deal if I got us Raising Cane’s for lunch, but because the pots and pans she needed were dirty, she refused to cook. Same, kid.
So she made me a sandwich instead. I am SO nervous about gaining weight while I’m thrown in this bed. I swear, I will not take being active for granted once my ankle is healed. I couldn’t imagine being stuck to my bed like this. This is a huge reminder about eating better and not going full Type 2 Diabetes (I was pre-diabetic during my last check-up). I think of dad and his amputations. I think of Mom and her now using a wheelchair most of the time. I think of grandma and the 61 years she spent confined to her bed.
Don’t get me wrong, the resting and downtime is great, but it’s frustrating not being able to clean, or do laundry or dishes (even though I hate it), or organize my bedroom or my desk. I’d like to move my Cricut machine to where it’s more functional and I can use it better, but there are too many Knick-knacks on my desk and shelves and I can already hear the girls whining if I ask them to help. The little time I spent in my computer chair in the kitchen really made my leg sore, so I came back to my room.
I guess I’m done whining for now 😆 . Going to get back to watching “Valeria”. And figuring out how not to lose my shit with the itchiness happening in my foot.
Feeling super adulty today. I didn’t sleep in and I did most of the laundry yesterday, which I usually do on Sundays and am killing myself at 12am when there’s still shit to be dried. Anyway! So I only have a couple of loads of towels to wash and then I’m done with that. I also filed my taxes–hell yeahhh! I remember waiting till the last minute last year and then bitching when my refund took forever LOL. I’ve got bills to pay this year so, I’m on pins and needles waiting for that money.
Since my last post: I’m liking my job. Love the pay (even though taxes, retirement and health insurances KILL ME), love that I have my own area (cubicle–my first job where I’m posted up in a cubicle!) and I get to read at my desk during lunch. My co-workers are all awesome, but I only get to see 2 of them every 2 weeks. How do I explain it? Like, they’re scheduled for 2 weeks in a row and then they telework for 4 weeks or some crap like that. Luckies. But I recently started teleworking once a week, which is nice, but this past week was a disaster. The internet kept crapping out, I deleted a file from our SharePoint like a dumbass that I couldn’t retrieve and then I had to go in halfway through the day because a shipment of supplies was being delivered *face palm*. My boss didn’t reply to my texts about going in because he was in a meeting and I didn’t want to end up HAVING to go in and being in a hurry, so I panicked and went in. He sees me in the office and says, “What are you doing here??” *face palm #2* But it was still a good day.
I met one of my female co-workers for the first time this week and I just love her. We are both girly, love pink and plants. And have tons in common! She even gave me cuttings from her beautiful Golden Pothos!
As for Jorge and I…we decided around…December? that we would see how things would go between us. He did start taking meds for his mental health issues (but forgets to sometimes and then we both can’t handle it) and he did see a psychiatrist like I suggested (but then stopped going). Most of the time he’s the “old, OLD Jorge”–the Jorge that was always completely infatuated with me and just loved spending time with me. But sometimes, like lately, the “bad, old Jorge” makes an appearance and I can’t deal. It brings back too many bad memories. I’ve decided that this year I’m working on my inner peace and dealing with his (or anyone’s) bullshit ain’t for me. Not doing that anymore. It’s taking a lot of motivation that I’m struggling to find, but I’m working on my goals this year.
My kiddos are doing fine, even though Eenan doesn’t come over as often as he used to, but we do video chat. Jaylen, Alaethia and Emmos are here the majority of the month, but still visit their dad (who is, amazingly, buying his own house after all these years). I’m still renting my same house, but hoping that’ll change in the future. So much of my money gone to waste on rent, but at least we have a roof over our heads.
Dimitri (John’s baby) turned 2 on January 30th.
Alaethia turned 14 last month and Emily turns 12 this month–crazy!!
The girls have recently gotten really into working out; I hope they continue long enough so that I can join them. I’m telling you–that damn motivation is hard to find! I’ve unsuccessfully started and re-started Keto. I messed up this weekend, again. But I NEED to get on the ball. I’m holding steady at 142-145. FML!!!
I’d rather read (“Luster” by Raven Leilani, “When No One is Watching” by Alyssa Cole are my most recent finished reads) than go for a walk, but I did yesterday with the girls. It was nice taking Jack Jack with us (oh, Jack is my Shih Tzu that Martha gave us at the end of January <3 !).
I don’t think I wrote about it, but around September/October, mom started having really bad pains in her back and started losing mobility in her legs due to the pain. She had about 3 falls–with the last one being so bad that I asked Aunt Nora for help with getting her into a nursing home. It was a good thing I showed up after work that day, because after Linda left, Mom decided to go to the kitchen for lunch and fell and stayed there all those hours till I showed up. I didn’t have a key to John’s apartment so I had to call the ambulance and ask John to please hurry. He got there before the ambulance did, thank goodness. It was heartbreaking to see her there on the floor when we barged in but we didn’t want to move her. The EMT’s did and she was in so much pain. Turned out that she had several old fractures and the newest one was causing the intense pain. She decided on her own after that that she did want to be in a nursing home. It was a relief. I thought she would become more depressed, but she’s got some awesome neighbors and roommate and nurses. Her roommate, Sonia, and her very good friend, Bill, spend time with mom and have actually gotten her to go out and play bingo and get her nails done. I’m so happy she’s happy. I have to get a Covid test done every 2 weeks to ensure that I’m negative and to be able to visit her, but it’s worth it to see her.
The girls (my friends) and I had been having weekly Girl’s Nights, but because Covid is once again on the rise, we’ve kind of halted. Mary, from Quinta Mazatlan, passed away due to Covid. It was a shock. Duvin, my old co-worker from TABC, passed away from a heart attack. It’s just so sad. Javi is also very sick. He’s back in Austin with Dinah. He hasn’t replied to messages or tagged me in cat posts on Facebook like he used to, so that worries me also. I know his condition is very grave, but we’re all hoping for a miracle.
Ok, going to make sure these girls get the dishes in the dishwasher before I start the foods for Superbowl. Go Tom Brady! I mean, Buccaneers!!
Thursday, August 27th is a day that I’ll remember for a good while. First, I had a follow-up appointment for results with my obgyn. I’d gotten a Colposcopy 2 weeks before, because a month ago my results from my 6-month appointment came back abnormal. Once again, I had “low-grade cells”. So once again, like in December, I had a Colposcopy. It’s not fun. Well—any appointment where your hoo-ha is in someone’s face and they’re digging around with cold metal tools isn’t fun. But anyway. They practically turn you upside down to execute this procedure and the “pinch” from the biopsy is less than pleasant. It takes your breath away. But it’s important to do and I try my hardest not to miss these appointments. Thankfully, my results came back negative. My doctor scared the crap out of me when he walked into my room and said, “CONGRATULATIONS!” I’m sitting in an office where most women are pregnant…so hearing that WORD made my heart sink. I immediately say, “Wait, I’m here for results,” and he laughs and says, “Oh! No, I’m SO SORRY! I mean, congrats, everything came back normal!”
So after the scare of my life and setting up another appointment in 6 months, I went on to my primary doc. I had to see my doc so she could determine whether I was going to get another prescription for my antidepressant or be referred to a psychiatrist/psychologist (don’t know which it would be). So I spoke to my doc (after they drew blood, which sucks because for the first time in a while I had coffee with heavy whipping cream instead of fasting and I’m sure my cholesterol is going to be through the roof 😥 !), and after a series of questions and her asking me how I feel I ended up getting a higher dose of medication. It’s something I probably should have done 6 months ago, when my anxiety and depression was at an all-time high due to all the drama, but I’m glad I finally did it. I don’t know if it’s the placebo effect of just knowing I have a higher dose, but I think it’s really making a difference! Usually, around Shark Week, I suffer from PMDD, but this time I have only slightly gotten sad for no reason a couple of times! No crying all day! Finally!!
That day was also my 1 month Keto-versary! One month of FINALLY sticking with it without breaks or losing my mind and going on a 1-2 month sugar binge.
Yes, I had the occasional cheat here and there, but I always started back up immediately. I don’t feel as bloated and although I was hoping to lose way more for my first month, I lost anywhere from 6-9 pounds. I’m not really sure if I started at 149 (that’s what the scale at the doctor had said when I started—and it’s the same scale at home) but by the time I weighed myself at home I was 146. So I’m going with 9, because it makes me feel better 😆 ! So right now, I’m sitting at 140 and in a size 11 (juniors) and 8 (misses) and top in medium-some small.
I was feeling so proud that I decided I was going to start with my 2-mile walks that night, without skipping days, like I used to when Lucia and I would go together (man, I miss her!).
So I changed into my workout clothes, wrapped my belly in my sweat-wrap thing, wrapped my knee in KT Tape, put my knee brace over my tape and pants and I was ready to go. Around 1.5 miles I start feeling a weird, itchy pain on the inside of my thigh above my knee and I feel like maybe I should stop walking. But, like always, I trudged on to hit 2 miles and loosened my brace when I got to my car. I got home, removed my sweat-wrap and knee brace and sat next to Jorge on the sofa and told him about how weird my leg felt. I told him, “I think the friction of the tape and knee brace is what’s bothering me. I’m going to shower.” So I showered and removed some of the tape (it’s expensive, I didn’t want to remove it all!). I dried up and got dressed and I couldn’t stand it—I had to peel off the remaining tape. I did it carefully—very carefully—because you can rip your skin off. I was in shock to see that I was developing little blisters.
This reminded me of the time I got my breast reduction surgery/lift and as soon as I was able to shower my scars became inflamed and turned into blisters, just like this! I’m wondering if this batch of KT Tape had whatever chemical/ingredient that the Steri-Strip tape had that I’m allergic to. (Oh, how I wish I could have sued someone! That was a terrible experience!) This had never happened to me with KT Tape in the last 3 years of using it!
Needless to say, my leg was extremely sore and any stretching (I kept forgetting and trying to sit with my legs crossed) caused immense pain. So I didn’t continue with my 2 mile walks. Ugh.
I had told Jorge early Saturday that I would like to go on a date. He said he would be tired getting out of work, but how about we go for a day at the beach on Sunday? I was excited! I’d been wanting to go to the beach for a while to get some sun and just enjoy a drink and a book while feeling the breeze and having the ocean as my soundtrack. Plus, maybe spending some time alone together at the beach would rekindle our rocky-since-March-marriage? Didn’t hurt to try.
The plan was: I would accompany him to work and then we’d head to the Island. Of course we would wake up late and then we were rushing. Still, he was in an ok mood. He completed his to-do list at work while I read my book and then we took off. We had to stop at Walmart since we needed a canopy and chairs and Jorge needed some flip flops. We got done, found a restaurant to eat (because we’d both skipped breakfast) and he was already very close to hangry. Still, I tried to be gracious and calm. Luckily the appetizer and our drinks came.
I felt like the flavor of my Piña Colada was off. But I drank it anyway. (Yes, I was already having a cheat meal.) I had the Almondy, which I’m sure was coated in flour and my sauce definitely had flour. Plus it came with potatoes, but I only ate a few.
We finish lunch and drive around looking for a beach access. We figure easiest thing to do would be to have drinks at Clayton’s and access the beach from there. We get off the car and get our things together to go change. We’re walking through CROWDS of people, many of them not wearing masks. Ugh. Jorge’s anxiety is going through the roof and he says he doesn’t want to be at Covid-Central. I tell him, “Let me just change into my bathing suit and we’ll go somewhere else.” It was boiling in that bathroom stall. I came out drenched to find Jorge even angrier. He said, “We didn’t get the damn flip flops.” Oops. I knew we forgot something…
So we go back to the car and think of what to do next. I tell him we don’t *have* to go to the beach, besides, just changing into my bathing suit gave me a headache (no, really). He says, “We’re already here, may as well.” And then we both pass out for like 15 minutes in the AC. When we wake up, I have a pounding headache. We groggily look around and realize the empty parking spaces are completely full. We got out of there quick. All the County accesses were still closed. People were even going to the “end” of the strip where the dunes are, and were immediately turned back by police. We ended up at a City beach access, where it “only” took about 30 minutes to find a parking space.
Canopies aren’t allowed at the City beach, so we only take our chairs and cooler with drinks. We find a spot, and finally! Bliss.
I definitely didn’t feel as cute as I did in 2017-2018 when I had lost all that weight, but I still hiked up my cover-up to tan my legs 🙂 . I read some, then we went out to the water for a bit (it was SO NICE). I had 2 drinks, and around 3/4 of the way through the second one I started feeling really tired and almost nauseous. Jorge drank the rest of it. I told Jorge I was ready to go, so we gathered our things and made our way to the car. I easily changed into my going-home clothes and Jorge was quickly getting annoyed again because people kept passing by his window when he was trying to change. I tried being playful when he was halfway through changing his trunks and I made an “oooh” sound and he snapped, “I’m not in the mood, stop.”. So that annoyed me and I ignored him after that.
As we’re driving down the main strip he asks what I want to do. I said, “Go home,” and continue reading my book. He asked if I wanted to get Pineapple Ninjas after all, and I didn’t really feel hungry so I told him, “Well, maybe a drink. I want one of those pineapple drinks.” (I know that I shouldn’t, because of the sugar…) He drives there quietly and I ask if I have to get down—I was sweaty, my hair was a mess and I was really starting not to feel good, but I didn’t know how. He scoffs, clearly annoyed, so I say, ok, fine, I’ll get down. Then he says I don’t have to 🙄 but I’m already exiting the vehicle. I don’t know why I thought the drink had rum in it, but obviously it didn’t, so when I tell Jorge I don’t want one after all he glares at me and says, out loud, in front of everyone, that I’m wasting his fucking time. And storms off to the car. I’m embarrassed and rush off behind him. We get into a yelling match and by then my head feels like it’ll explode. He drives to Los Fresnos and parks in the parking lot of a Stripes and asks if I want something to drink. I dryly say no. He gets down to smoke and then we head home. Silently.
He asks what I want to do for dinner when we get closer to McAllen. I tell him I’m not hungry (not because I was having a fit, but because I really wasn’t, even though the last time we ate was at noon). I remember this and tell him, “Well, maybe Kumori”. He said, “I was thinking the same thing.” So that’s what I order: the family pack and my usual salmon salad with avocado and a sliced jalapeño firecracker. We get the food and head home. We unload the car and I take my stuff to my bedroom and I get really dizzy. I can’t stand my head, so I take 2 Ibuprofen. I change and go back to the living room, where everyone has started eating. I LOVE how Kumori smells—love it. But smelling the food sent me straight back to my bedroom. I lay down and almost cry from the intense pain in my head. And then it happens: the pre-puking heart racing and gagging. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a fear of vomiting (emetophboia). But I felt SO BAD that I was almost relieved to run to the bathroom, where I began to vomit for what seemed like forever. I had a 30 minute break and then started all over again. It was the worst. Smirnoff Ice Margaritas and fish don’t taste very good coming back up. So disgusting.
My head was still hurting but it wasn’t the blinding pain it was before. I continued to feel nauseous so I called in to work. I was terrified to eat so I drank chicken broth with sea salt for 2 days and drank Powerade Zero and Gatorade Zero like my life depended on it. And to top it off, I couldn’t tell if the stomach cramps were from the heat exhaustion or whatever it was, or period cramps–cause of course I would start 🙄 .
I ate pretzels because I wasn’t sure what else to eat that was Keto. All these years and I still don’t know how to transition to solids after a stomach illness.
But I did get right back to Keto as soon as I felt better!
But then I went to happy hour with Martha:
And then finally got to go over to Mel’s to catch up. Emmos and Alaethia slept over. We had such a great time, the food was great and the girls even tried teaching us the WAP dance 😆 . Honestly, it’s an amazing workout bahahaha.
Oh, and I finally got new glasses.
Keeping my fingers crossed that this next week continues to be good to me.