Category: Depression

How Do I Make it Stop?

Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.

First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.

Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.

I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Keeping Busy

Working on my mental health lately while weaning off of one of my anti-depressants (Paroxetine) has been brutal. So what do I do when the mania hits? I find yet another hobby to obsess about. I present to you: some of my new plants.

The plants in the top two photos are from the 99 Cent Store, can you believe it?? So are the pots. Of course they were not $0.99 cents lol.
These babies were on clearance for $2 each at a nursery in Palmview. I trimmed down the snake plant’s dead leaves and it’s looking MUCH better.
“Mano de León” or “Brain Celosia”
From Walmart. The pots, too
From Home Depot. One of my wishlist items: Purple Passion

And of course I needed space for all these and my current ones, so my bestie installed these:

I am absolutely in love. And they definitely keep me busy and my mind from spiraling for sure!

I need to update this photo. I’ve replaced that terra cotta pot with a plastic one because my Golden Pothos was NOT having it. She’s much happier now 🙂 .

So welcome to my latest obsession. I have even bought a standing grow light. Wish me luck keeping all these alive!

1st Post of 2022

Guess what I got for Christmas?? No, guess!

I GOT COVID!! 😡

I am currently on Day 11 and I am, thankfully, feeling way better. The only thing I’m really feeling is the darn cough that goes between dry and phlegmy and the shortness of breath. Not only does lugging my body weight on my crutches make me tired; now I’m short of breath because of Covid, too.

A quick summary of how it started:

Day 1, Monday – Woke up for (tele)work and I noticed I had a scratchy throat. I figured it was my leaf-blower of a fan that caused it, since Jorge had just said the day before, Sunday, that he’d gotten a sore throat from my ridiculous fan. He had helped his mom empty out her storage unit and then was taking his kids and Daisy paint balling. He’d invited Jaylen but he was scheduled to work. Much to my annoyance, Jorge ended up staying at his house since he was drinking with Robert.

Around 9am that same day (Monday), he texts, “We have a problem” and tells me that Daisy and Justin were positive for Covid. Great. I start thinking back to our Christmas get-together and panic about our moms and then for Julien, who hasn’t gotten any of his vaccines (he was with his mom after the vaccines were approved for young children, so I assume he isn’t vaccinated).

Jorge says his sore throat is getting worse and now he has a cough. He’s also getting body aches. I start worrying that my sore throat isn’t from my fan after all. By the end of the night I’ve also got a dry cough and my sore throat is so painful I feel like I’m going to throw up.

Day 2, Tuesday – I wake up feeling awful. My throat is now very swollen and I have a bad headache. I called in to work and spent most of the day sleeping. Jorge Door Dashed some Gatorades to the house for me and the kids (mainly Jaylen) would pop in with gloves and a mask to bring me food (soup, mostly). I started my round-the-clock regimen of Tylenol every 5-6 hours. By the evening I was feverish and then got chills throughout the night. I didn’t even get to find out how high my fever got since our thermometer’s batteries were dead and we couldn’t find out newest one. Trying to get to the bathroom was brutal; every “hobble” I took with my crutches made my head feel like it was going to crack in half, and like my eyes were going to pop out of my head.

Day 3, Wednesday – I couldn’t sleep all night; I tossed and turned from the fever and chills, my throat was still making me feel nauseous and the cough was making my chest and back hurt. I called into work again and once again spent a lot of the day sleeping. The time I spent awake was spent watching “New Girl”. That day was when Angela tested positive and Julien started getting sick, too 🙁 .

Day 4, Thursday – I felt a little better. I was still coughing but my sore throat and headache were FINALLY gone and my fever finally broke. So I worked that day. It was a bit hard to stay awake; I felt so tired, but thankfully it was a short work-day. My body started feeling really sore, probably from my body contracting from the chills the past 2 nights. It felt as though I’d gotten a crazy workout after not working out for ages. Also, Jaylen made us some spaghetti and meatballs with Alfredo sauce. YUM.

Day 5, Friday – It was New Year’s Eve. I couldn’t help but remember my New Year’s Eve from 2 years ago when Jorge was still the district manager at the Wing Stop in San Antonio and he kept coming up with excuses for not coming home (they got super busy, they had tons of orders, etc.) but he was with that dumb little girl, Sabrina 😡 . In my usual fashion, even though I was sick, I brought it up to him and how lonely I was that evening. My biological children had spent that year with Mario, Jorgie and Justin were sick in their rooms with Flu B and Javi wasn’t there. It was just me and Bentos. This year, I was alone again and isolating, but I told myself I wasn’t going to allow myself to get upset about it. Instead, I masked up, washed my hands, gloved up, and made myself some Velveeta/Rotel cheese dip and some cream cheese and raspberry chipotle dip and watched “New Girl”.

The kids FaceTimed me and Jorge FaceTimed me too. He was doing a lot better. He was even working on Javi’s vintage truck.

My babies, at their dad’s

Day 6, Saturday – I realized I lost my sense of smell. I’d been smelling my Vick’s jar daily; to help with my congestion and also, the scent is so potent I’d know for sure when I was losing my sense of smell. Well, Day 6 was the day. I could tell that I was breathing in something minty, but I couldn’t smell it at all. Other symptoms on Day 6: my ears felt like I had cotton balls shoved in them and no amount of yawning or trying to pop them helped. My dry cough would come around every-so-often and I was no longer phlegmy, but I did feel some type of pressure in my chest. Like I almost felt like there’s a rattling in there? Or something. That same feeling is what makes me try to cough to get it out. Another symptom is muscle aches. Everything was still sore.

This was the day Briana broke the news to me that Betty White had passed away at the age of 99. And yet, it seemed like it was too soon. Jorge and I had just been talking about Celebrities that had passed and how sad it was going to be when she was gone. 😥

Jorge brought me tacos that day and we hung out for a bit. It was nice to have human interaction LOL.

Day 7 and Beyond – Jorge brought menudo for lunch on Sunday and it hit the spot. I’d been craving it forever. I tried getting around more (well, as much as I can with my crutches and boot) since I didn’t want to end up getting worse. I was feeling a lot better. Except for waking up all night on Tuesday from coughing. It was so annoying. It made the shortness of breath worse and I called in to work and spent a lot of the day sleeping. That night I was the same and called in half a day Thursday. I was just so exhausted. As of now, I’m a little worried to be honest, about the darn shortness of breath. Sending Jorge to CVS tomorrow to get me some cough medicine. I spoke to Martha tonight; both of us are getting over Covid. Well, she’s in the brunt of it right now. And my poor Jaylen JUST tested positive today 😥 . I hope it wasn’t me that gave it to him. He thinks it’s one of his co-workers. Mary took the girls to get tested today and thankfully they were both negative. I just really hope 2022 is kinder to all of us. I really do. I’m even scared to MENTION THAT because I don’t have the best track record. Praying for and manifesting the best vibes!