How Do I Make it Stop?
Today is one of those days that, no matter how many meds I take, the sadness is here to stay. I don’t think it’s withdrawals from weaning off the Paroxetine like it was a couple of weeks ago. I just feel SO sad. I’m over my period, so I don’t know wtf is going on. I think everything is hitting me all at once.
First, I can’t spend the birthday of probably the guy I’m closest to (actually loving right now) with him and that started the whole thing. Even though we spent all day yesterday together, I still feel so sad about it.
Money. Money is always, always, always one of the biggest triggers for me. I got paid, I sold some stuff and yet, my rent is coming up NEXT WEEK and I‘m flipping out about whether I should just pay it all now and stay broke. Or wait till next week and possibly not have the full amount. Plus birthdays are coming up and I have to pay for that, too. Plus Briana wants to go to the beach with the girls on Sunday. A come-and-go trip. But going on those reminds me about how we can’t even rent a room because I’m broke. Which gets me thinking about how my girls are going to have a shitty summer because I can’t afford to take them anywhere. So I bring this up to my person because I’m venting and he brings up the shootings in Uvalde and how those parents would rather have their kids instead of some trip somewhere and that just threw me over the edge. I had been avoiding the news because I knew if I started reading and seeing the photos of those little babies it was going to send me into a spiral. I asked him not to do that and not compare—I know I’m grateful to have my children—I KNOW THAT. It’s not about that at all. So I got lectured. And then I cried at work. Even after taking meds. I’m sure they gave me a fucking placebo just to shut me up.
I’m always praying for the time that I can finally come home from work and be with my kids and tend to my plants. But even tending to my plants is depressing sometimes because some of them aren’t doing too good. Then I start feeling like a failure, which really doesn’t help things at all. And Alaethia is at a party with her friends. I took Emily to get Cane’s and I didn’t get anything because I feel fat and they don’t have anything there that’s Keto. Ugh. So I come to my bedroom after tending to my struggling plants. Then I look around my room and I know I should put the neat pile of clothes that’s on my computer chair in my closet, but I remember how crowded my closets are and I would rather not. Maybe I should just go to sleep.