Revelations

So. It’s been a while!

I’ve been lazy and missed writing about all of summer and now it’s a new school year and it’s almost Halloween…and guess what? I’m only writing because I need to whine and get things off my chest.

(You’ve been warned.)

I’ve been in a Debbie Downer type of mood as of late. And I joke about it, but it’s really affecting me and everyone around me…and I hate it.

Another thing I hate: to admit something’s wrong with me. Or so…I think something’s “wrong”. All I know is, I don’t feel “right”.

See. I know anxiety and depression runs in my family. It’s genetic; embedded in my DNA. Gramma Elia had it, Mom has it, John has it. But all my life–even as a kid when I was poor as fuck and had nothing–I was able to keep that shit at bay. When I was going through my divorce and custody battle I was–SOMEHOW–able to keep that shit at bay. But lately, everything makes me feel anxious. And sad. And I constantly feel like the rug is about to be pulled from under me in all aspects of my life.

I used to be so positive! I could brush shit off and go on with my life–and I didn’t dwell or think about it.

The last 2 years when I worked at the Chamber and I’d get overwhelmed and upset, I pinned it on stress from my events. It never occurred to me that it could be anxiety. I took up Yoga, running and even looked up mindfulness books–and it worked for the most part.

But now, even when things aren’t that bad, and my job isn’t stressful, and the kids are mostly independent and Jorge works so hard to provide for us and I’m not missing anything in my life I just feel so anxious ALL. THE. TIME. The tiniest thing will set me off and ruin my day: slow drivers, feeling bloated, someone being rude to me in the slightest (when I could easily just brush it off before), a bill I forgot to pay, having to go grocery shopping. And don’t even get me started if all that shit happens in the same day! I’ll lose it!

And I *still* keep beating myself up for not starting school yet. I keep making excuses, then I beat myself up and the cycle continues.

I even recently had a breakdown at work because I was hormonal and all these little things kept building in my brain until I exploded. I even freaked Jorge out during lunch and cried in front of Jessica and later Neva at work. I was so embarrassed! And I couldn’t get a grip!

Maybe I need more endorphins! And to stop eating carbs! I recently started eating carbs and sugar again and I’m pretty sure that’s affecting me negatively–not only my mood but waistline! I don’t want to give all those people who said I’d regret doing Keto the satisfaction of being right!! So I need to start running again. Especially because the holidays and all the treats that come along with them are coming up and I don’t need to gain all the weight back that I managed to keep off for 1.5 years!

And also!! Writing here used to help with my anxiety TONS. I can’t count how many times I would start a post where I was depressed or upset or angry and half-way through I’d realize just putting it out there into the universe–even if nobody read it–I felt the weight lifting. And then I’d re-read what I posted and found that I didn’t need for anyone to read it at all. I was okay. I need to get back to that. Plus, it’s always nice to come back and “see” the happy times. Because most of the times ARE happy.

Anyway. I’m writing this in the truck as Jorge, Tony and I drive to San Antonio to pick some stuff up for Jorge. (More stress!!) Only us crazy asses would make a half-day trip that takes 4 hours to and 4 hours from at 1pm!