Category: Family

There. Got that other post off my chest. I made that one completely private, since I really don’t need anyone to know about any of that stuff. Sorry guys. Just needed to vent.

Today was a happy day. Most of it, anyway. I gave myself 10 extra minutes of sleep in the morning since they were having Breakfast of Champions, which is when a group of teachers bring breakfast. I picked up an iced coffee from McDonald’s and headed to work.

I got there 6 minutes early, which just NEVER happens. Shocking!

I had 2 tamales, a huge strawberry, some grapes and strawberry/orange juice. After that, the day became pretty hectic. The kids were especially working hard to meet the criteria for the field trip today since it was the last day to qualify. I had our 8th grade helper and a 7th grade bad-kid-turned-a-b-honor-roll-student reading and testing all day. And their teachers actually gave them permission and passes to be there most of the day. I’m going to feel horrible if my boss doesn’t let them go for not reaching every last percent they need. They’ve worked so hard. Granted, their teachers should have been encouraging them since the beginning, not having them rush at the last minute. Some of them even had them cheating, but you didn’t hear that from me.

I went to lunch pretty late because I was running back and forth helping all the kids. Then I had to set up some equipment for another meeting in the cafeteria and chatted with Mrs. R. for a little bit. I didn’t get to do much at all today because of all the testing and monitoring going on, so I’m going to have TONS of work to do on Monday. I don’t think my boss was too happy about me leaving 20 minutes earlier too, which I absolutely had to do since I went over 20 minutes on Wednesday. It was worth it though, watching the kids get excited about reading and trying their hardest.

I got home and just chilled out. Then I started balancing the checkbook and figuring bills out. We received our tax refund today, but it’s totally spent already. We’re paying off bills. I paid off Furniture Row today, so our olive-green sofas are officially ours! Now I just gotta pay off the Volkswagon Visa, part of Home Depot and we’re only going to get to pay a pinch of Target. I figured though, that if I don’t use it anymore and pay $124 a month for the next, eh, 2 years, we’d have it paid off. Yep. That’s a lot of money. We’re actually missing about $400 of the refund since Mary accidentally forgot something. She’s going to fix it and send an amended one and hopefully we’ll get it back. It would sure help.

We celebrated Sammy’s birthday; yummy lasagna and salad. I love when the family gets together.

Wow, I’m dosing off. I should have taken advantage much earlier–around an hour and 45 minutes ago–and fallen asleep with Aly.

I don’t even know how to start this and that’s because nobody but me is going to see it. I guess I don’t want to put it–what I’m feeling–in writing because then it solidifies what I feel is happening.

I really do believe my marriage is over. I do.

I honestly thought Mario and I had beat the odds; that we were “that” teenage couple that actually stayed together for the rest of our lives. That’s what I always thought, from the moment I met him.

God, here I go with the fucking crying. I can’t stand that shit. Why can’t I be like him? Why can’t I just NOT care about anything? About my family? I don’t meant that. I’d always care about my kids. I just wish I didn’t have to care about him. Then it wouldn’t hurt as much knowing that the rollercoaster ride’s over and that it’s finally coming to a stop.

After 11 years. I can’t believe this.

Back when we first got together it always felt like it was over because he was such a dick, but I had that hope deep in my adolescent, naive heart that things would work out.

Our first year of marriage it felt like it was over because he was still a dick and I was so needy from the two years before of being with him, but I always knew it would work out because we were new at the whole marriage thing and everyone said the first year was the hardest.

Our fourth year of marriage it felt like it was over because after I had Jaylen he was awful to me all over again. I’m still not sure if he resented me for having a kid, or getting fat, or getting flabby after giving birth, or heck, if he was fucking someone else. But I knew it would get better because I honestly believed that God had us meet for a reason.

Hm. Now I guess I know why he never wanted to get married through the church. He’d feel too fucking guilty.

I don’t know what to do to fix anything. I tried being patient. I tried not giving a fuck about him not spending time with me and the kids. I tried being okay with him always going with his friends or cousins. But I can’t try anymore. I don’t think I’m being selfish at all when I say that I never received anything in return. Material things can only keep you happy for so long.

And now…my period’s late. Once I started working our sex life plummeted into oblivion. Then I started feeling heavier and heavier and I started wondering if maybe everyone’s advice about the pill keeping you fat started creeping its way into my head. So I got off the pill. I figured, shit, we’re not having sex anyway. My luck would have it that we actually were intimate either 3 or 4 times since my last period. Mrs. Ruiz started hers last month right after I did. I told her about my dilemma. She called me today to tell me she got hers. I still haven’t.

God forgive me for saying this: A child is a blessing, but I really don’t want to be pregnant. I don’t. If we’re not already headed in that path, another child will definitely get us on the road to divorce. He got me that stupid Bluetooth shit for the Equinox and while I was standing next to him while he was installing it he asked me if I’d gotten my period. I told him no. Then he implied that I should get an abortion because he didn’t want another kid. I can’t be married to someone like that. He’s way passed not caring about me anymore. Not even when we were 16-years-old and I got pregnant with Eenan did he ever once ask me to get an abortion. And now, at 25 and 26, married for almost 9 years and both employed he’s asking me to? I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with him. I seriously wouldn’t doubt if he’s with someone else. Why else would he change so much? I know he’s resented me since I brought up having another baby and got pregnant with Alaethia. I know he never wanted her. Or maybe it’s because I finally did get fat; maybe he’s repulsed by my body. Or maybe because the house is always dirty, or because I don’t make him breakfast anymore, or sometimes I’m too tired to make dinner or lunch. Or maybe he is with that Abby bitch or some other bitch like her (it would explain his non-existent libido). But I never expected him to be this way. To treat me and the kids like such shit. And I don’t mean he’s physically abusing us or anything, but verbally abusing me and ignoring the kids is just as bad. Putting himself and everyone else before us is just as bad.

I really do like my job, but I blame working for ruining my marriage. I should have just listened to him and stayed home with Alaethia. But no. I was tired of people asking me what I was “doing” and hated seeing them cock their head to the side and sadly say, “Oh…” when I’d tell them I was a stay-at-home mom.

Or maybe it wasn’t the job at all and were doomed from the beginning.

And I’m realizing that maybe I’m really not even going to have a dream house. Stupid thing to think about, but I had this lovely vision of us outside on our back porch, sitting on a lawn loveseat, my legs on his lap watching the kids running in our carpet grass. Then we’d go inside and wash up, make popcorn in our spacey, bright, clean kitchen and snuggle up on our green couches in the family room and watch movies on the 47″.

I also realized tonight that he’s in it for himself now. We were supposed to go to Jorge’s tonight. We were celebrating Sammy’s birthday, but we were going afterwards. 8 o’clock rolls around, so I ask him if he’s ready. He says he’s waiting for Adan so he can workout. Bullshit. Last night he was over there for 3 hours and was on fucking Myspace. He ends up falling asleep on the couch and then just sits around moping. It’s 9:30 and I ask him if he’s ready to go now. He said no, it’s too late. Really? I remember leaving the house last week at 9:45 and getting there at 10. I already knew what he was doing. He had other plans. Sure enough, about 10 minutes later he comes up to me, with that stupid expression on his face that I hate, and asks if he can go to Manny. I told him, “It’s too late to go to Jorge’s but you’ll go to Manny’s? Without us?” He gets all defensive and rolls his eyes and yells, “That’s why I’m asking you! If you don’t want me to go I won’t go!” So I figure he came to the room to stew for a while but when I come over here at 10:30, he’s gone. I texted him, but he doesn’t have the decency or balls to respond.

I see him and I just don’t feel the same. I feel so angry towards him. He won’t change. He won’t make us happy. He won’t make me happy. He would have done it by now. Like he’d say back when we were dating and back when he was into “cruising” and going to Watson’s (probably at the strip clubs Watson worked at), “You can’t change anyone unless they want to change themselves.” He was right all along.

Yes. Just one more day till the weekend! I really can’t wait. Alaethia refused to go to sleep till 12:30 last night, woke up for a bottle at 3am and I could barely get up at 5:20, my usual time. I let myself “sleep in” 10 more minutes, but that just made things worse since I got a headache.

Today was SO hectic at work. The kids (and some teachers) are running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to meet the criteria to attend the field trip next Friday. (Which reminds me: I need to go and buy my own rollerblades. The ones at the skate center smell like rotten cheese.) I had kids going in all day asking me to check their goals. It’s so heartbreaking to have to turn them away because no matter how hard they try, they’re just not going to make it. I really don’t know why teachers don’t push reading until there’s a reward of some sort. Had the students been encouraged to read all year the majority would be going.

I had a little…talk with that kid that was rude to me last Wednesday. He was rude again today and I wasn’t having that crap. I don’t lose my patience very often, but this kid is just something else. Not even the rudest kids I’ve had the pleasure of encountering so far have been as rude as this one. But I think the talk might have worked, we’ll see. If there’s another little problem, I’m definitely issuing out a referral!

Things at home were much better. The boys were well behaved and Alaethia was cute, as always. She’s dancing to the little iPhone tune right now; shaking her bootie back and forth. Now she’s trying to change the channel on the TV. And is doing squats and clapping LOL.

I got to surf for a while, spoke to Sally on the phone and hung up most of the clean laundry that was laying on one of my sofas for a week. I’m terrible about putting laundry away, but I’m happy to know that my boss is also bad with it, so I’m not the only one. I made dinner (sandwiches, anyone?) and then worked out with Mary. I really don’t feel like it’s making a difference at all, but at least I’m doing something and making my heart work. I still need to work on my portion sizes and need to cut down immensely on my sweets-snacking if I want to see some kind of difference. I might go weigh myself at the nurse’s office tomorrow.

Anyway.

*sigh* I’m feeling stressed about certain things, but I won’t write about it now. Maybe I never will. I just want to document this so that I can look back and feel relieved that I made it through this and things got better.