Revelations

So. It’s been a while!

I’ve been lazy and missed writing about all of summer and now it’s a new school year and it’s almost Halloween…and guess what? I’m only writing because I need to whine and get things off my chest.

(You’ve been warned.)

I’ve been in a Debbie Downer type of mood as of late. And I joke about it, but it’s really affecting me and everyone around me…and I hate it.

Another thing I hate: to admit something’s wrong with me. Or so…I think something’s “wrong”. All I know is, I don’t feel “right”.

See. I know anxiety and depression runs in my family. It’s genetic; embedded in my DNA. Gramma Elia had it, Mom has it, John has it. But all my life–even as a kid when I was poor as fuck and had nothing–I was able to keep that shit at bay. When I was going through my divorce and custody battle I was–SOMEHOW–able to keep that shit at bay. But lately, everything makes me feel anxious. And sad. And I constantly feel like the rug is about to be pulled from under me in all aspects of my life.

I used to be so positive! I could brush shit off and go on with my life–and I didn’t dwell or think about it.

The last 2 years when I worked at the Chamber and I’d get overwhelmed and upset, I pinned it on stress from my events. It never occurred to me that it could be anxiety. I took up Yoga, running and even looked up mindfulness books–and it worked for the most part.

But now, even when things aren’t that bad, and my job isn’t stressful, and the kids are mostly independent and Jorge works so hard to provide for us and I’m not missing anything in my life I just feel so anxious ALL. THE. TIME. The tiniest thing will set me off and ruin my day: slow drivers, feeling bloated, someone being rude to me in the slightest (when I could easily just brush it off before), a bill I forgot to pay, having to go grocery shopping. And don’t even get me started if all that shit happens in the same day! I’ll lose it!

And I *still* keep beating myself up for not starting school yet. I keep making excuses, then I beat myself up and the cycle continues.

I even recently had a breakdown at work because I was hormonal and all these little things kept building in my brain until I exploded. I even freaked Jorge out during lunch and cried in front of Jessica and later Neva at work. I was so embarrassed! And I couldn’t get a grip!

Maybe I need more endorphins! And to stop eating carbs! I recently started eating carbs and sugar again and I’m pretty sure that’s affecting me negatively–not only my mood but waistline! I don’t want to give all those people who said I’d regret doing Keto the satisfaction of being right!! So I need to start running again. Especially because the holidays and all the treats that come along with them are coming up and I don’t need to gain all the weight back that I managed to keep off for 1.5 years!

And also!! Writing here used to help with my anxiety TONS. I can’t count how many times I would start a post where I was depressed or upset or angry and half-way through I’d realize just putting it out there into the universe–even if nobody read it–I felt the weight lifting. And then I’d re-read what I posted and found that I didn’t need for anyone to read it at all. I was okay. I need to get back to that. Plus, it’s always nice to come back and “see” the happy times. Because most of the times ARE happy.

Anyway. I’m writing this in the truck as Jorge, Tony and I drive to San Antonio to pick some stuff up for Jorge. (More stress!!) Only us crazy asses would make a half-day trip that takes 4 hours to and 4 hours from at 1pm!

Taking a Breather

Today is Good Friday, which means I have a day off from work. The kids are with the other parents, and since the family is coming down from Austin and we’re hosting everyone on Easter Sunday, I figured it was the perfect chance to tidy up and take care of some more tidying-up-things I hadn’t had a chance to do. But first, I wanted to go jogging! I started up again this past Tuesday when I went with Emmos.

And then Wednesday, both girls went with me and we literally RAN since it was about to start raining.

So of course I would wake up today feeling like a chicharron; completely sore and immobile. And guess what? I slept till friggin’ 10:30 a.m.! So I didn’t accomplish that part of my to-do list. I made some breakfast, Keto Pancakes, instead!

And then I got to cleaning. First I started with my bathroom, which the cats completely destroyed. I love Kika, but my gosh, that cat is sooo messy!

I’d recently finished the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” because this chick needs HELP with tidying. So I used the KonMarie method last week by starting with all the clothes I own…and got rid of 1 garbage bag. ONE. UNO. I must have done something wrong! But Jorge installed a 2nd rod below one side and now I have space for my pants! Now all my clothes finally fit, thank God. Maybe that’s all I needed! 😆 I still have a mess on my futon though: stuff that needs mending, stuff that needs to go to the cleaners and stuff I want to sell on eBay. (That last one probably isn’t going to happen and the stuff’s gonna end up at Goodwill anyway *sigh*.)

Anyway. Cleaning out my closet entailed pulling out my large storage bin of photo albums. Those albums have been in that bin since Mario and I got divorced and that bin followed me to each house, each closet I’ve had since. They stayed in the bathroom all week until today when I removed some 80’s toys from the bottom shelf of one of my bookcases and organized all my albums. Of course, my ADD didn’t allow me to just PUT the books on the shelf; I had to look through each one of them. I’m not sure if flipping through and seeing my boys as babies, frozen in time, and now I don’t even speak to them on some days because they don’t answer their damn phones! Or seeing the girls as babies, or all the family photos with my ex-family, or photos I had of Jorge with other girls I despised LOL (we were friends our whole lives, remember?), or seeing photos of Gramma and just missing her…but as the day went on I felt this huge cloud of sadness just engulf me completely. I had already finished cleaning the bathroom, the bookcase and was halfway through organizing and chucking stuff in the kitchen when I realized I felt…defeated. I looked around and I felt tired, and I felt like I wasted my day off…and then I suddenly started bawling. For no reason. I just stood there in front of the sink and cried and sobbed. And I just let it happen. I went outside to the porch to get some fresh air, and just as I was calming down, Sandra calls me. I take a deep breath before I answer and we talk and I tell her she called at just the right moment. We talk about her goings on and my goings on and then we hang up. I was tossing out papers in the kitchen and was about to start vacuuming when I decided I needed a break. So here I am. It could also be that I haven’t really eaten; I just had some iced coffee and a few bites of a One bar. But writing has helped. And I called the kids to get an update on their day, so I feel better.

Maybe cleaning made me emotional 😆 ! Jorge got home later on and we went to pick up wings at Pizza Hut and as he’s telling me about all these awesome plans I just start bawling again! He said I was scaring him and that I have no reason to stress right now…and I really don’t! So, who knows, but I feel better now, thank goodness!