Taking a Breather

Today is Good Friday, which means I have a day off from work. The kids are with the other parents, and since the family is coming down from Austin and we’re hosting everyone on Easter Sunday, I figured it was the perfect chance to tidy up and take care of some more tidying-up-things I hadn’t had a chance to do. But first, I wanted to go jogging! I started up again this past Tuesday when I went with Emmos.

And then Wednesday, both girls went with me and we literally RAN since it was about to start raining.

So of course I would wake up today feeling like a chicharron; completely sore and immobile. And guess what? I slept till friggin’ 10:30 a.m.! So I didn’t accomplish that part of my to-do list. I made some breakfast, Keto Pancakes, instead!

And then I got to cleaning. First I started with my bathroom, which the cats completely destroyed. I love Kika, but my gosh, that cat is sooo messy!

I’d recently finished the book “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” because this chick needs HELP with tidying. So I used the KonMarie method last week by starting with all the clothes I own…and got rid of 1 garbage bag. ONE. UNO. I must have done something wrong! But Jorge installed a 2nd rod below one side and now I have space for my pants! Now all my clothes finally fit, thank God. Maybe that’s all I needed! 😆 I still have a mess on my futon though: stuff that needs mending, stuff that needs to go to the cleaners and stuff I want to sell on eBay. (That last one probably isn’t going to happen and the stuff’s gonna end up at Goodwill anyway *sigh*.)

Anyway. Cleaning out my closet entailed pulling out my large storage bin of photo albums. Those albums have been in that bin since Mario and I got divorced and that bin followed me to each house, each closet I’ve had since. They stayed in the bathroom all week until today when I removed some 80’s toys from the bottom shelf of one of my bookcases and organized all my albums. Of course, my ADD didn’t allow me to just PUT the books on the shelf; I had to look through each one of them. I’m not sure if flipping through and seeing my boys as babies, frozen in time, and now I don’t even speak to them on some days because they don’t answer their damn phones! Or seeing the girls as babies, or all the family photos with my ex-family, or photos I had of Jorge with other girls I despised LOL (we were friends our whole lives, remember?), or seeing photos of Gramma and just missing her…but as the day went on I felt this huge cloud of sadness just engulf me completely. I had already finished cleaning the bathroom, the bookcase and was halfway through organizing and chucking stuff in the kitchen when I realized I felt…defeated. I looked around and I felt tired, and I felt like I wasted my day off…and then I suddenly started bawling. For no reason. I just stood there in front of the sink and cried and sobbed. And I just let it happen. I went outside to the porch to get some fresh air, and just as I was calming down, Sandra calls me. I take a deep breath before I answer and we talk and I tell her she called at just the right moment. We talk about her goings on and my goings on and then we hang up. I was tossing out papers in the kitchen and was about to start vacuuming when I decided I needed a break. So here I am. It could also be that I haven’t really eaten; I just had some iced coffee and a few bites of a One bar. But writing has helped. And I called the kids to get an update on their day, so I feel better.

Maybe cleaning made me emotional 😆 ! Jorge got home later on and we went to pick up wings at Pizza Hut and as he’s telling me about all these awesome plans I just start bawling again! He said I was scaring him and that I have no reason to stress right now…and I really don’t! So, who knows, but I feel better now, thank goodness!

Maybe. Hopefully.

I contemplated clicking “Move to Trash” several times as I typed this, but I think I’m okay with putting this out there.

I read this article on what kids with divorced parents think earlier. It makes my stomach turn. It makes me a little sad.

The boys and I have had endless conversations, usually on the 30-minute drive home from picking them up after work the weekends I do have them.

I know we shouldn’t bad-mouth the other parent–all the articles and people tell you this–but it’s hard not to when I think about everything that happened, how it happened and how the boys aren’t physically with me everyday, and WHY they’re not with me: to spite me.

When we have these conversations it’s almost like verbal vomit; a desperate plea from me for them to understand that if I had $10,000 to go to jury trial they would be with me.

Eenan thinks about it, I know he does because he’s verbal about it. Jaylen, not so much. He’s more reserved in general. He’ll input his thoughts when we’re having one of those conversations once in a while, at least.

I know that back then when we first separated he and his family would talk crap about me to the kids. They told me so themselves. That I was the reason everything fell apart, that I was the one who abandoned them, when I never did. They took them from me. They planned it perfectly.

But I hope the boys know the truth; I mean, they’ve told me themselves they do. They remember what our life together was like. Yes, there we good memories, but at the same time there was a lot of resentment and regret on his part, which eventually led to the marriage dissolving.

And on Jorge’s end; it’s hard to be nice about the boys’ mother when she does things like she did yesterday. When she wastes away their child support in bars. When they need things for school or clothes and she can’t afford them ’cause the money is gone. It’s hard to “be civil” when you know that goes on. When you know they’d be better off with you.

I know she does it; the kids have mentioned it in passing and, hello, even goes on social media to get pity/pats on the back from her supporters, by bad-mouthing Jorge. Sometimes, like yesterday, we get pissed off and stoop to that level. You can only be the “better person” for so long.

I’d read this other article–I almost wanted to send it to the other parents–about how teenagers and adults needed long-term therapy because of their divorced parents and them bad-mouthing each other. I know I, myself, need years of therapy to get over everything. I tell Jorge about it all the time. I don’t want our kids to go through that; what the people in this article have. They’ve been through enough, and this article really opened my eyes. But when you just can’t see eye-to-eye with the other parents, it’s hard to come to that peace. When you want all the kids to live with you and they don’t, it’s hard to come to it. When you have the history that we all have, it’s hard to come to it. But, for the kids’ sake, maybe, hopefully, one day it’ll happen.