It’s Monday and I’m lacking sleep, on the brink of PMS (or PMDD, it seems) since I spent a good chunk of the morning crying. At work. It was one of those mornings, which is how I know THE RED TIDE is coming. Good thing no one is here and I can cry in peace and silence at my desk.
I learned about PMDD right as it seems like I was in the throes of suffering from it a few months ago (February 25th, to be exact, before Covid-19 swept in and I became one of the few “essential employees” that couldn’t work from home 🙄 ). I couldn’t get control of my emotions and I just kept tearing up for no reason–it was so embarrassing. The guys would joke around (like always) and usually I’ll laugh or roll my eyes but I was incredibly irritated and wanted to just lash out or CRY. Or a customer on the phone would ask the same question in different ways and instead of breathing thru and being patient (because this happens often), I’m sure the customer could hear my eyes rolling in my voice. I never used to be that way! I loved talking to people, so as with most things I blamed it on age and becoming more…impatient?
It happens every month, right before my period. In fact: that’s how I know the impending doom is near. It’s easier to determine now since I’m on birth control to regulate my periods, of course. I thought I was just extra-sensitive from hormones but I’m beginning to realize it’s way, way more serious. So I was just browsing through those never-ending Snapchat Stories in February and saw a post about Bebe Rehxa and her experience with bi-polar disorder and PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
Everything started to make sense as I read the article. I felt exactly the same way every month and hell, the highs and lows during the rest of the month. The bi-polar disorder (or manic depression) is exactly what John was talking about when he told me he really thinks I need to see a therapist about it. It explains my laziness and desire to just stay in my room alone and sleep. Or the times that I feel like cleaning the entire house or going out to a club (which is VERY unlike me–and I regret it once I’m there). Or the reason I’m obsessed with collecting succlents and cacti, records, clothes, shoes…and lately–CATS. Like, live animal cats…
Anyway, then I read this paragraph and it’s exactly how I feel.
Rexha said. “A day before [my period started], I would feel like my world was ending, that my life went to shit … I would get into these funks and be really depressed and not want to leave my house.”
That’s exactly how I started feeling last night. I cried myself to sleep, just thinking of all the shit wrong in the world and ALL the shit going wrong in my life personally, right now. I woke up puffy and frog-eyed. I had a hard time getting out of bed and ended up not flat-ironing my hair, felt ugly, was running late to work and continued the spiral at work.
I know I need to get formally diagnosed but it’s good to finally put a name to all these FEELINGS I constantly have. In the meantime, I’m keeping myself busy as much as possible. Even if that means watching “13 Reasons Why” and exacerbating my anxiety instead of going for a jog. But at least I watched it in my workout clothes! Baby steps.