Category: DITL

Warning: Mental Health Post

It’s Monday and I’m lacking sleep, on the brink of PMS (or PMDD, it seems) since I spent a good chunk of the morning crying. At work. It was one of those mornings, which is how I know THE RED TIDE is coming. Good thing no one is here and I can cry in peace and silence at my desk.

I learned about PMDD right as it seems like I was in the throes of suffering from it a few months ago (February 25th, to be exact, before Covid-19 swept in and I became one of the few “essential employees” that couldn’t work from home 🙄 ). I couldn’t get control of my emotions and I just kept tearing up for no reason–it was so embarrassing. The guys would joke around (like always) and usually I’ll laugh or roll my eyes but I was incredibly irritated and wanted to just lash out or CRY. Or a customer on the phone would ask the same question in different ways and instead of breathing thru and being patient (because this happens often), I’m sure the customer could hear my eyes rolling in my voice. I never used to be that way! I loved talking to people, so as with most things I blamed it on age and becoming more…impatient?

It happens every month, right before my period. In fact: that’s how I know the impending doom is near. It’s easier to determine now since I’m on birth control to regulate my periods, of course. I thought I was just extra-sensitive from hormones but I’m beginning to realize it’s way, way more serious. So I was just browsing through those never-ending Snapchat Stories in February and saw a post about Bebe Rehxa and her experience with bi-polar disorder and PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

Everything started to make sense as I read the article. I felt exactly the same way every month and hell, the highs and lows during the rest of the month. The bi-polar disorder (or manic depression) is exactly what John was talking about when he told me he really thinks I need to see a therapist about it. It explains my laziness and desire to just stay in my room alone and sleep. Or the times that I feel like cleaning the entire house or going out to a club (which is VERY unlike me–and I regret it once I’m there). Or the reason I’m obsessed with collecting succlents and cacti, records, clothes, shoes…and lately–CATS. Like, live animal cats…

Anyway, then I read this paragraph and it’s exactly how I feel.

Rexha said. “A day before [my period started], I would feel like my world was ending, that my life went to shit … I would get into these funks and be really depressed and not want to leave my house.”

That’s exactly how I started feeling last night. I cried myself to sleep, just thinking of all the shit wrong in the world and ALL the shit going wrong in my life personally, right now. I woke up puffy and frog-eyed. I had a hard time getting out of bed and ended up not flat-ironing my hair, felt ugly, was running late to work and continued the spiral at work.

I know I need to get formally diagnosed but it’s good to finally put a name to all these FEELINGS I constantly have. In the meantime, I’m keeping myself busy as much as possible. Even if that means watching “13 Reasons Why” and exacerbating my anxiety instead of going for a jog. But at least I watched it in my workout clothes! Baby steps.

My poor, neglected blog! What can I say; I can barely find time to breathe. –Alright, so that’s a bit melodramatic, but it’s close to true!

I can honestly say I’ve been 100% dedicated to Keto and spend a lot of time cooking and grocery shopping (the BAIN of my existence), or reading (the same darn book “Eat Fat, Get Thin” by Dr. Mark Hyman, for a month, because: TIME), or spending time with the kids or helping Jorge with projects or you know: working or sleeping 🙄 . The usual. I’ve had little to no time to work out because I’m usually EXHAUSTED. And obviously, no time to blog 😕 .

I also recently bought some new succulents. I have to admit that I’ve been terrible at taking care of my outdoor ones 😕 . Some died!! ONLY I would kill a cactus!!

I hope I can keep them alive 🙁 !

Anyway, my days usually go something like this:

– Wake up around 6:00am or 6:30am. Snooze the alarm till 7:00am. IF I’ve already showered the night before. Otherwise I’m S.O.L. and HAVE to get up by at least 6:30am, whether I like it or not.
– Start finding clothes to wear and fight with my hair. It’s the longest it’s ever been and sometimes doesn’t cooperate when I’m going with my natural curl. (I don’t have time, nor can I justify spending $35 on my cut when I’ve got bills to pay and groceries to buy. #momprobs)
– Put my charger and phone in my bag. Go to the kitchen and make either 90-Second Bread or microwaved bacon and boiled eggs…and that’s about it 😆 ! Those are the fastest things to make, even though it usually makes me later to work! Also: make my HWC coffee with Torani Sugar Free syrups. I recently tried Bulletproof Coffee for the first time this round of Keto and it was pretty good, but my coffee itself was a really strong one, so I didnt enjoy it as much as I could have.

– Anyway. I then throw all of my breakfast items into a bag, remember to take my supplements or pack some to take to work (Magnesium/Calcium/Zinc and Potassium), then I scrounge for whatever’s in the fridge that I can take to lunch. I’ve cut down on eating out A LOT and try to make enough dinner to take as leftovers the next day. Otherwise, I’ll throw whatever’s on hand together (today for example is a spinach salad with leftover meat from Taco Tuesday, sliced almonds, queso fresco, and bacon pieces.)
– Grab the rest of my bags, kiss the kiddos if any of them are awake (today, 3 of the 5 that are with us this week were awake. Jorgie and Justin are still at their Grandma Dina’s in Austin), then I get all my shit in the car and begin doing my make-up while listening to John Jay and Rich.
-Run back inside because I forgot something.
-Back in the car, do my makeup on the way to work (at stop lights and stop signs, I’m not irresponsible!)
– Get to work (already about 30-40 minutes late), say hi to my peeps, and come upstairs. I unload all my bags, get situated with my coffee and breakfast and take photos of my food for my Keto Instagram.
Confession: Part of ignoring my blog is because I spend A LOT of time on that IG. Even my Snapchat, personal IG and Facebook are suffering. 😆 I keed, I keed. But really, I’m posting more on my Keto IG than anywhere else.
– Spend the morning catching up on things at work, usually e-mails, or doing some type of artwork for something, or shopping somewhere or uploading stuff to Facebook for work, or turning in bills, or getting signatures, or updating some file. Sounds easy enough, but then there’s phone calls and visits and tons of other shit that gets in the way. This is right now during summer. Later, when my events start, I’ll shrivel up and die from stress and sadness. Because of all this, I usually take my lunch around 1:00pm instead of noon 🙄 .
– Luckily, I’m usually not hungry till that time anyway (yay, Keto!), so it’s ok. I get my lunch together and snap some photos of it, eat really quickly because someone calls me downstairs, and finish up my work day, usually repeating the aforementioned.
– Get out of work and go straight to Gramma’s. She’d been doing a lot better after her Bell’s Palsy episode, but now she’s been overcome by anxiety in the strangest way. She keeps saying she’s scared and nervous that she’ll fall off the bed, to the point that she told us she was hysterically screaming and couldn’t control herself, which is very unlike her. She seemed confused about it and even asked me, “Why was that happening?” when I was with her yesterday. It makes me sad that she feels that way 🙁 . So I’m trying my hardest to see her everyday after work, just to calm her, even if the commute is sort of annoying due to all the construction on the expressway.
– Leave Gramma’s around 6:30pm and usually head to HEB or Walmart because we ran out of SOMETHING I didn’t get the day before 😡 .
– If I’ve shopped, I’m heading home around 7:30pm, never fails.
– Get home and change into work out clothes–though it’s usually all for show because I NEVER GET TO WORK OUT.
– Then I watch some show in the kitchen with a few of the kids (“My 600 Lb. Life”, “Catfish”, “Fixer Upper”, etc.), defrost/cook usually 2 separate meals (Keto & non-Keto for the kids–although sometimes they’ll eat our Keto meals, like cheeseburger casserole or loaded cauliflower casserole) and it’s probably about 8:30pm to 9:30pm before we all sit down to eat. Hubs arrives from work around this time 🙁 .
– Then, all the kiddos settle down and play their video games, YouTube Games or torture the cats with love and Jorge and I try and spend at least 1 hour together, on the couch, watching a show (currently, it’s “La Reyna del Sur”). OR, if the kids want to get in the swimming pool, I get to clean said pool with the sifter because we have a beautiful bastard of a bamboo tree that likes to shed all over the place 😡 . So this is probably ending around 10:00pm.
– Then, if it’s early enough, Jorge and I will catch another episode. THEN, at whatever unGodly time it is, I shower and do my nightly routine (brush teeth, mouth guard (so sexy), wash face, exfoliate if necessary, rub tea tree oil all over my face, dab Benzaclin on any existing zits (even sexier). Take my probiotic and sleep.

So there you have it. I’m sure I’ve missed some things (you know, bathroom breaks and whatnot, or detangling a child’s hair, or hugs and snuggles with the kids or cats), but that’s my day in a nutshell.

BUT YESTERDAY!! Jorge got home while I was sifting the pool for the kids and he got in to finish sifting and I found the perfect opportunity to escape and work out! Jaylen was out there with me. We did P90X Arms and Shoulders and Ab Ripper–and I freaking survived!! I did the entire hour and 15 minutes of the work out. I couldn’t make it through back when I did it in December (that was the last time I worked out hard, not just running/walking).

I’m at Gramma’s now with Mom. The kiddos left for the week with Mario 😥 . Hoping to make dinner and work out. Or work out first, then dinner. We’ll see.

[Later on:] Ended up doing 30 minutes of Yoga! Woo! My body feels like it’s been hit by a truck!

I’ll leave you with a few of my most recent Keto meals and my 1-month progress pic. 

I started Keto again April 30, 2017. I’m holding steady at 117 lbs, but I’d like to make it to 110 (I’m only 4’11”, calm down). Which is why I’d like to stick with P90X and not just running once or twice a week. This was probably the more “dramatic” change. Another is being able to wear my favorite shorts again, 1) because they fit, and 2) because the cellulite on my thighs has almost completely disappeared!!

I’ll try to keep up with the blog! Have several recipes to add!

I’ve been dreading/excited about this event simultaneously. It’s one of my favorites, but the work it takes to get everyone on the same page and the fear that some won’t even arrive drives me to a headache, neck pain and is enough to make my chin break out.

Something I’m working on this year is not stressing about work (as much) and not working from home.

So I didn’t work on my lists or correspondence to my vendors or layouts or anything during the Christmas or New Year’s breaks. Usually, I’d stay up the night before set-up till almost midnight making sure the layout was perfect, just to change the whole thing the next morning when people cancelled or when my boss looked it over.

Today, I worked on my emails and layout at work, got it done as best as possible and printed everything else I’d need. Then my boss and I had a quick lunch at Johnny Rockets.

I was sad to find out they got rid of my favorite grilled cheese bacon sandwich, but this BLT sufficed :).

We went straight to the exhibit hall afterwards and the parking/unloading was exhausting on it’s own.  (A vendor had a friend drop off a “few things” to us yesterday but they ended up being a literal truckload!)

We had a line of people waiting to register when we got inside and it was about an hour of hustle and bustle. I still remember my first time during this event 4 years ago–the adrenaline and nerves are still exactly the same!

Things changed even more than I thought they would regarding the layout, but if all goes well and everyone pending shows up tomorrow, then we’re right at the number we were hoping for.
My boss and Alexis and I took turns going out to the floor to see what the vendors brought. Most of my favorite people are here, thank goodness. The lady who does those awesome miniatures from pasta de maiz has so many cute Catrinas!

When she told me to pick mine last year I kept telling her I’d “be right back” at her booth but I was always busy! By the time I did go back she sold out of all the ones I liked. (Didn’t stop me from picking a few others hehe.) She called me over tonight as soon as she set up and I chose these ^_^.

We closed up shop at 7pm and were out a little before 7:30pm. I called the boys to check how their 1st day back at school  went and Jaylen gave me a rundown of his day. We were on Facebook messenger last night working on one of his projects since he didn’t work on it during the break and they were back at Mario’s. He told me about how his PS4 seemed to have just died, too.

Speaking of dying, our poor old (Va)cuum fishy died yesterday. RIP, buddy :(.

The girls enjoyed their last day of freedom with Jenny and the girls, so they were thrilled :). They got to go to Bounce, watched “Annie” and played and ate pizza at Jenny’s. Gotta plan something for them when I’m not so darn busy :(.

I got home, got updates on everyone’s day, changed and then made dinner (Emily helped. And John washed the lettuce lol) while I spoke to Eenan.

I forgot he was supposed to continue his “grounding” for failing a class once school started again but he reminded me, ha.

Got the girls ready for bed since tomorrow is their first day back. I’m now relaxing with Jorge and trying my hardest to leave that layout and vendor list in my work bag, heh. Wish us all luck tomorrow!