Negative

I finally got my COVID-19 test results today. And they were: NEGATIVE.

The labs are so saturated that my results took exactly 14 days to process. So since they were negative, the symptoms I was feeling were due to allergies/sinus and a stomach bug. But I felt exhausted and slept a ton. I guess that’s probably due to the good ol’ depression.

I submitted my paperwork to return to work tomorrow. I haven’t gotten a reply but maybe it’s because they’re busy.

I honestly don’t feel like working. I just want to lay in bed and sleep.

Jorge and I got in yet another lovely fight this morning. So now I’m left debating if I should just pack my shit (and the girls’ shit) and go. Like, permanently.

There’s also stress about this house and whether we’re going to have to move out anyway. In June, just like 5 years ago in June, the landlord’s daughter said her niece wanted to buy the house and was going to have a walk-through. Gee, thanks lady. With COVID-19 on the rise, though, they decided to postpone till the end of July. I was in a panic trying to tidy up and clean but then I decided it should look as shoddy as possible around here so she wouldn’t want to buy it 😆 .

Of course my credit is shot to shit so I can’t even dream of trying to buy the house (obviously we didn’t qualify 5 years ago either), plus if Jorge and I split he’s made it clear he won’t help me with bills. So, yeah. That’s my life.

Mario tested positive for COVID and the kids are over there, so now I’m wondering if they’ll have to quarantine for 14 days the way they did here with me.

Anyway. Just wanted to distract myself from what’s currently buzzing around in my brain. Going to kill some brain cells and continue watching 90 Day Fiance. And then finally visit my momma.

Quarantine

I’m currently quarantining at home with the kids. Not to worry–they’re 100% OK. Well, most of them. Jaylen and I are the ones who had secondary contact with people so we got tests done last Wednesday. I had a sore throat and cough and my stomach wasn’t feeling good, but I didn’t have fever at all.

It was a rather annoying morning, really, trying to get tested. We decided to go to the Urgent Care on Savannah, where Jorge had gotten his test done in April, and we arrived on time and everything. As soon as the office opened I began calling, only to be put on hold. The longest I was on hold was 9 minutes. I almost blew a gasket so I told Jaylen to wait in the car while I told people off. I walk into the lobby and it’s already packed–as packed as you can get while social distancing 6 feet. I tell the nurse that I’d been trying to call but they kept putting me on hold. She said, “Oh I’m sorry, there’s a waiting list.” I said, “Um, OK…how will I get on the waiting list if you never take my call?” She said, “Oh no, ma’am. I mean, there’s a waiting list. There are 500 people in front of you.” I couldn’t believe it.

So Jaylen and I went to the free testing site closest to our house. My boss had sent me a flyer and it was a city away. We’re driving to the site and see a super long line. That went on for about 2 miles. There *had* to be at least 300-400 people waiting in line, too. We said screw it, we’d take our chances and go to our doc’s office.

He explained about the finger-prick blood test and how they’re not accurate (later that day I found several articles about that online). He was almost hesitant about administering the tests and gave us a good explanation about them and how the results wouldn’t be here for another 5-7 days. We said fine, we needed them for work anyway. Laura lets us know it will be painful but she’ll be as gentle as possible. I thought This can’t be any worse than the flu test that tickles your brain. But I was wrong.

So wrong.

As the swab made its way into my left nostril I felt as though I’d gotten some type of acid-water in my nose, then felt immense pressure behind my left eye and then had an excruciating pain in my left temple. My eye immediately started crying like crazy. It was a pain I’d never experienced before in my life!

I was in pain the rest of the day (headache and even my ears started bothering me) and then I felt so exhausted I passed out for a few hours. I spoke to Laura on the phone and she said it would be 7-10 days for the results, not 5-7. Geez.

So I’ve been home with the kiddos. Organizing, cleaning here and there, spending time with the animals and kiddos, watching 90 Day Fiance and reading.

These are all my half-finished books but I’m currently finishing up “Everelle’s Quest” by Roda (Hilenski Grubb)! Promised her I would finish it this time! I really don’t know how people can complain about being holed up at home–I really love it.

. Plus not having to bother with makeup or getting dressed is so nice! (Don’t get me wrong, I do miss feeling girly some days!)

The only thing that sucks is not being able to see mom. But I speak to her almost every day. I wish we could get her to use a smart phone so we could video chat with her. Maybe I’ll bother John on his phone so we can “see” her.

We had a low-key 4th of July. Not going to lie: that day, I was feeling a little melancholy. It would have been Gramma’s 91st birthday. I still wish I could see her 🙁 .

Eenan stayed at his dad’s so we didn’t get to spend time with him, but I did speak to him on the phone. I know he’s 20-years-old and he’s doing his own thing, but I miss my boy LOL. The rest of the kiddos were here but not everyone was in the mood for Independence Day. Jorgie brought Jenn over but it was way too early and then she couldn’t end up staying. We weren’t doing our BBQ or festivities till night time. One of the positive things that happened was that I woke up and Alaethia had cleaned up the whole house and done dishes…BUT because she wanted to spend time with Yezleen. That girl DOES NOT understand self-isolation or social distancing 🙄 . But she does love her friends and I love them and their momma’s so I’m ok with it.

Thankfully Jaylen and Emily went to purchase the fireworks and stuff for bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Jorge was out of work early and when I told him about BBQ’ing he said, “It’s hot AF outside” so that was that :roll:. I made them in the oven instead. When it got dark Jaylen set up the fireworks and s’mores tables. I went out and set up our tiny clay s’mores pot.

Jorgie and Justin ended up asleep and playing video games, respectively. It was just Jorge, Jules, Jaylen and Emily outside.

I was also sad that I didn’t get to celebrate with Mom, John and Dimitri. Plus, it dawned on me (and of course Jorge had to twist the emotional dagger) that my kids are growing up and aren’t always going to be in the mood to have family holidays how we used to. Boo. I don’t like it. They should always want to have family time 😥 !

Anyway! The girls and Julien have taken over my room as I’ve been typing this up and I’m sure they’re going to knock over my clean laundry.

Highs and Lows

Warning: Mental Health Post

It’s Monday and I’m lacking sleep, on the brink of PMS (or PMDD, it seems) since I spent a good chunk of the morning crying. At work. It was one of those mornings, which is how I know THE RED TIDE is coming. Good thing no one is here and I can cry in peace and silence at my desk.

I learned about PMDD right as it seems like I was in the throes of suffering from it a few months ago (February 25th, to be exact, before Covid-19 swept in and I became one of the few “essential employees” that couldn’t work from home 🙄 ). I couldn’t get control of my emotions and I just kept tearing up for no reason–it was so embarrassing. The guys would joke around (like always) and usually I’ll laugh or roll my eyes but I was incredibly irritated and wanted to just lash out or CRY. Or a customer on the phone would ask the same question in different ways and instead of breathing thru and being patient (because this happens often), I’m sure the customer could hear my eyes rolling in my voice. I never used to be that way! I loved talking to people, so as with most things I blamed it on age and becoming more…impatient?

It happens every month, right before my period. In fact: that’s how I know the impending doom is near. It’s easier to determine now since I’m on birth control to regulate my periods, of course. I thought I was just extra-sensitive from hormones but I’m beginning to realize it’s way, way more serious. So I was just browsing through those never-ending Snapchat Stories in February and saw a post about Bebe Rehxa and her experience with bi-polar disorder and PMDD, or premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

Everything started to make sense as I read the article. I felt exactly the same way every month and hell, the highs and lows during the rest of the month. The bi-polar disorder (or manic depression) is exactly what John was talking about when he told me he really thinks I need to see a therapist about it. It explains my laziness and desire to just stay in my room alone and sleep. Or the times that I feel like cleaning the entire house or going out to a club (which is VERY unlike me–and I regret it once I’m there). Or the reason I’m obsessed with collecting succlents and cacti, records, clothes, shoes…and lately–CATS. Like, live animal cats…

Anyway, then I read this paragraph and it’s exactly how I feel.

Rexha said. “A day before [my period started], I would feel like my world was ending, that my life went to shit … I would get into these funks and be really depressed and not want to leave my house.”

That’s exactly how I started feeling last night. I cried myself to sleep, just thinking of all the shit wrong in the world and ALL the shit going wrong in my life personally, right now. I woke up puffy and frog-eyed. I had a hard time getting out of bed and ended up not flat-ironing my hair, felt ugly, was running late to work and continued the spiral at work.

I know I need to get formally diagnosed but it’s good to finally put a name to all these FEELINGS I constantly have. In the meantime, I’m keeping myself busy as much as possible. Even if that means watching “13 Reasons Why” and exacerbating my anxiety instead of going for a jog. But at least I watched it in my workout clothes! Baby steps.