Catch-22

I’ve been tip-toeing about how exactly to word this post, but I figured–fuck it, I’m just going to type.

The past few months to a year, I’ve already felt like I’m at a standstill; like I’m underappreciated and like I should simultaneously be doing more. The past week has really intensified this feeling.

I started the day out on Monday with a fresh, positive outlook. The kids and I left the house ON TIME for once on a Monday! I dropped everyone off with time to spare at all the places we needed to be and I strolled into work about 10 minutes early. ON A MONDAY! That NEVER happens! Usually I’m skidding into the Monday meeting by the skin on my heels!

So anyway, our boss treats us to Cracker Barrel for a job well done the past few months. It was such a great surprise (especially because I was starving and hadn’t packed breakfast!) and it made Monday that much better.

We get back to work and I have to turn in some stuff that was already late; the 2nd batch of items that needed to be turned in. I’d done the first batch on Friday, but was told to wait on this one since it was a lot of stuff. To make a long story short and leave out a few details: Someone was scolded, and this same someone implied that it was my fault and told me “that’s the reason you’re here”. That I’m here for something mediocre; like nothing else that I contributed was important whatsoever. I was furious and I stayed quiet. Well, not too quiet, because I did mention a few things, because I was that appalled. I walked away fuming and to be honest: hurt. I bust my ass, and that’s how I’m repaid?

The couple of people I told about what happened were also shocked and couldn’t believe what was said to me, because they agreed: it wasn’t my fault. So I tried to go on about my day, but I was angry.

I had to opportunity to attend the Mayor’s Prayer Luncheon, where David A. R. White was the speaker. It was a wonderful event: the food was great, I ran into Karina! The speeches were sweet and Mr. White’s presentation was incredibly inspirational and often humorous. I felt like his entire speech spoke to me, and I needed to hear it at that precise moment. In short, it was about how we’re all here for a grand reason and how one thing shouldn’t make you feel like you should give up. I became teary, but held myself together. I decided at that moment that I need to make changes.

Skip forward to Wednesday, when I’m having a conversation with a friend, and I find some things out that turn me into a blubbering mess. Things that I suspected already, but knowing for a fact made me feel like I got punched in the gut, like I was heartbroken. It highlighted what “that” person told me even more, and I just felt like a loser, and I know I deserve more. (Before I go on, no, this has nothing to do with my husband or our marriage!) I cried for 2 days straight. Jorge was a huge support and listened to me bawl my eyes out, as were 2 other friends. I know what I have to do, but it’s at the risk of sounding ungrateful, or adding a lot of stress to my plate, or starting all over.

Either way, it needs to be done. And it’s going to suck.

Adulting Sucks

I can usually deal with stress pretty well; heck, I’ll even be annoyingly optimistic. People have even complimented me about it. But lately, I’ve got to admit: it’s tough.

I managed to get my 2nd cold of the year (a month apart) last Sunday. I felt awful at work on Monday but had a lot to do, and I almost went to work Tuesday because I was afraid of getting behind, but I told myself I needed to start taking care of myself. I keep thinking of my friend that had a stroke that was probably due to high stress. So I decided that work could wait. I took Tuesday off to go to the doctor and recover at home. I hadn’t slept very much Monday night due to the coughing, ear pain and not being able to breathe, so I kept passing out once I picked up my medication from the pharmacy. I’m still not 100% better; I keep waking up with a pain in my ear, even though I’m over everything else. Missing Tuesday did cause me to get behind at work, but I knew if I scheduled my day accordingly, I could catch up.

I was in charge of an event for our “Boss Boss”, and I was already nervous about screwing it up. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to drop off 4 kids at 2 different locations in 2 different cities and get to work by 7:30am in a totally different city (those are my Fridays and Mondays). Mario, thankfully, helped me out. I’d be missing Alaethia’s field trip, just like I missed Emily’s šŸ™ , since I had an event that day, too, but Mario would accompany her.

I had a good count for my Boss’s event, got everything ready and then…I’m about 20 people short the count that I originally had as everyone started showing up. Thanks, people >_< . My Boss did tell me, “Good job,” at the end of the event, so that made me feel better.

Lunch time rolls around and I’m giddy as I make my way to my car, relieved that the event is over and done with. I was meeting Alaethia, her class and the moms at Mr. Gatti’s for Alaethia’s last part of the field trip. I relieve Mario and he hands me Alaethia’s stuff as the girls continue to play and the moms catch up while we eat lunch together. (I’m convinced the girls like us to go with them so they can hit us up for money!) We spent a few minutes with the kids and see them off on the bus. I get back to work and jot down my to-do list in the hopes of getting as much done by 5pm so I wouldn’t be swamped on Monday and could take the next Tuesday off with the kids. Next week is Spring Break, but we aren’t doing much. Still, I wanted to at least take a few days off to take the kids out for ice cream and the park, etc. Unfortunately, I had forgotten it was Spring Break during the week and had already made 2 appointments for Monday that I can’t miss. And then we have the food festival coming up, and I feel like we’re SO BEHIND. FAK. šŸ™ So I figured I’d take Tuesday off only. So I got to work, and was on a roll…until Jorge called with an emergency.

I couldn’t believe what happened and I’m thankful things weren’t much, much worse. But I just feel like we can’t catch a break šŸ˜„ . 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I was angry at Jorge. I was angry at myself, too, for not taking care of things I should have, but I’m just so focused on work and it takes up so much time that I can’t take care of personal things that need to get done. And it shouldn’t be that way.

The girls had a sleepover at Jenny’s and when I went to pick them up, we had a nice impromptu therapy session with all 4 of them. I’m glad that they can openly talk with us about what’s going on with their friends. Apparently lots of drama is going on, but we explained to them that they’re wayyy too young for so much tension at school and that everyone can get along, even if they’re not BFFs. Now I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with another mom, and apologize for my little Emmos šŸ˜³ .

Jorge and I had a talk last night, and I felt better. Until something ELSE happened today. Ugh. I’m going to try and have a nonchalant, happy-go-lucky, carefree, fk-it attitude this week. I’ve got a lot on my plate at work, and may not be able to take a day off at all with the kids (especially because of this event, and my boss is off since Wednesday when we have shit to take care of!), but I’m not going to stress. I’m not.

Well. That’s easier said than done, but I’ve got to promise myself to take it easy. Or I’m going to lose my shit.