Our luck would have it that not only is the Rio Grande Valley battling Covid-19, but we got hit with a hurricane last weekend. Hurricane Hanna. It was a category 1 hurricane but it destroyed trees everywhere, a lot of the Valley was without power (some for almost a week) and it caused tons of flooding. Tree branches fell at our house, my white/pink bougainvillea that Jorge got me in 2013 was completely uprooted, but thankfully we didn’t flood and we never lost power. Jorge and the kids enjoyed being outside in the rain watching the light show being caused by lightning and transformers popping in the distance. Thankfully no one got a cold!
I finally decided, after binging on gummies and junk food for the past month (especially during Hurricane Hanna) that I felt SO, SO unhealthy and uncomfortable in this body that I was going to re-start Keto and stick to it once and for all. I re-started last Monday, July 27th. I’m happy to report that I have stuck to it all week, including during Eenan’s 21st birthday!
Birthdays these days in the time of Covid means having to order food in. What does Eenan, my wonderful boy, request? Wing Stop 😆 . So Jorge brought him his Wing Stop and I left work right at 5 to get the ingredients for some spinach artichoke dip and green apple Smirnoffs, which Eenan requested. I also got him some snacks for his snack bag that included his birthday money.
Eenan had also requested a Reese’s ice cream cake but there weren’t any at all at HEB. So instead, I got him an Oreo cake and crushed up some Reese’s and voila! Perfection! Too bad I had to be strong and avoid it 😥 !
Still can’t believe how time has just flown by. I have an actual ADULT ADULT child!!
I guess instead of updating weekly or even monthly, I’m going to do a bi-annual update. Or better yet: yearly. 🙄
I’ll probably go back and post a mass photo dump of birthdays, holidays and events–because I hate missing recording those moments here. But I guess a quick recap of the last year will have to suffice for this post.
We spent a lot of time going back and forth between home and San Antonio every other weekend. Well, I did–Jorge was already there, obviously. I’d usually go when we didn’t “have kids” and they were with the “other parents”.
Sometime before the holidays I stopped “Keto-ing” and screwed up my eating habits terribly. I’d go back to attempting to hop back on the low-carb train but it was to no avail–it seemed like my lack of willpower had completely derailed my Keto train and crashed into a firey wreckage. Needless to say, in the last 6 months I’ve packed on about 15-18 of the 20 lbs I’d lost and managed to maintain for 1.5 years while I was doing Keto. So disappointed in myself!
This also means that I’ve gone from running at least 3x a week to doing nothing. Which is pretty bad considering my awesome, super-low-key job is 95% sedentary.
I had attempted a “Run for 30 days” goal for myself in the month of December to counteract the sweets-binging that was happening since Halloween…only to injure myself 8 days into it because I was trying desperately to run an 11-minute mile 🙄 . So there went that.
I knew I needed to keep myself occupied–especially with Jorge away so much–otherwise my thoughts and anxiety would slip away from me and it was over.
So–the brilliant idea I came up with was I’d start school! I had finally ordered the assessment training book I’d need to review to take the mandatory placement exam I’d have to take to start school in the Spring/Fall, and I had my mind set: I was going to do this! Even if it meant graduating with my kids 😆 !
At the end of December, once I had mostly gotten over the sprain from the beginning of the month, I started running right after work and was really happy with my routine:
Drop girls off at school, go to work, eat lunch at work (it helps me focus on low-carbing), change into running clothes at work at 5pm, run, pick up HEB Curbside if I had to (Curbside and HEB Delivery are a GODSEND), get home and shower and make dinner, talk to Jorge on the phone, sleep.
It was a great week. (–Yes. I only got to keep my routine up for 1 week. I’ll get back to that shortly.)
Then comes the new year and I’m finally motivated enough to stick with my plan.
Sandra came over on January 4th to catch up and have cocktails. Jorge had invited Robert over after work for drinks too. As we’re sitting around, Justin calls Jorge about picking him up from his mom’s. Then their mom calls to tell Jorge to pick Justin up. They had just gone with the other parents the previous day, so we found that kind of peculiar. Jorge is going back and forth on texts with Justin and with their mom and finally, Justin decides he’s staying with his mom.
Cut to Saturday night, where Jorge and I are alone and had ordered take-out and were watching “Black Mirror: BANDERSNATCH”…till 2am! We kept “playing” over and over again to achieve the maximum happy ending…until we gave up lol.
We wake up at 9am on Sunday, January 6th to find missed calls from the boys at 5:30am. We panic and start calling and texting frantically until we finally get through to Jorgie and rush over to their mother’s apartment to pick them up. We didn’t know what to expect; all the other times we’d tried to pick the boys up when we “weren’t supposed to have them” there were always cops waiting.
Long story short: Jorgie and Justin have lived with us permanently ever since. Jorge was home for a few weeks and so the transition wasn’t anything drastic–yet. Then came time for Jorge to leave back to work and I needed to figure out driving schedules. When I told them how early we’d have to leave and how late I’d have to pick them up after work I was positive they’d change their mind entirely and say they wanted to go back to their mom’s. But, they didn’t. They were okay with the upcoming routine. I look from them to Jorge after the discussion and I say, “So, that’s it? They’re ours?? They’re gonna live here?” I give them both hugs and Jorgie says, “So I can call you Mom now??” I said, “Dude, I’ve always been your mom.”
(Just to clarify: I have never and won’t ever try to take the place of their biological mother. On the contrary, I’ve encouraged them to reach out to her, even now.)
When a few more weeks passed and they were still with us and I took them to pick up stuff from their mother’s after school, they put their white trash bags full of belongings into the back of car. As I got ready to drive off, realization hits me again and I say, “So this really is for real?” Justin looks over at me and says, “Gee, Yajaira, I thought this was for real.” I explained to him that it had happened before–they would get into it with their mom and stay with us and then she’d want them back. They said, “Nope. Not going back.”
It’s still surreal to me that after all the custody battles and years of trying to “get them”, just *poof*. All of a sudden, they live here.
Needless to say, my trips to San Antonio came to a standstill, since now we had the boys and it would get expensive lol. Instead, Jorge would come home–when then started taking a toll on him and his sleep schedule and work schedule. That, in turn, caused us to be at each other’s throats.
Since Jorge works away most of the week my schedule changed completely. I’d wake up an hour earlier to get the girls and Jorgie and Justin in the car and dropped the boys off by 7:15am (an hour and 45 minutes before they even had to be at school, poor things), then I’d drop the girls off by 7:35 to get to work by 7:55. It was tiring for everyone, but we had to make it work; there was no other way.
Same for the afternoons. I’d get out of work and instead of going to run or to buy groceries I’d go straight to pick the boys up. Again they’d have to wait for me for an hour and a half after they got out of school to be picked up.
We spent a lot of those first 2 months stopping by a place called Snowball Express–buying junkfood and sometimes completely forgoing dinner to have snacks. I wasn’t running or exercising at all. And I felt the difference from one day to the next–no joke!
I’d completely stopped low-carbing, and was much less sticking to the Keto diet. And it showed. Because my acne had ALSO made a comeback. Ugh.
Then, to top it off, my brain was going 100mph, non-stop and I’d begun clamping my jaw again from stress, which resulted in needing to use my mouth guard again. I hadn’t used a mouth guard since I left the Chamber!!
As I’d mentioned in my post from October 9, 2018, (my last “in-real-time post”) I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that my anxiety was taking a toll on my well-being. I had accepted it. But the little breakdowns at work (it’s happened 3 times) for absolutely no reason except that I was probably on my period and incredibly hormonal and someone slightly inconvenienced me–well, that shit needed to NOT HAPPEN.
So, in February, I went to the doctor because they needed to see me in order for me to get a refill on my acne topical medication. I told the doc about my acne problem and since it was a new doctor I’d never visited with before, I gave her some history. She asked about stress and I told her that I seriously didn’t have much to stress about–my job was the most chill job, ever–but it was perhaps all the free time that I had at my job that caused me to cycle thoughts in my head repeatedly. She asked what a day was like for me and I told her about the kids and how I recently became the boys’ primary parent, in essence, and about how I wanted to start school, too. I told her how my husband worked away from home most days–and then IT HAPPENED. I STARTED BAWLING FOR NO REASON. I pointed to my face and choked on a sobby-laugh and told her, “You see what I mean?? It just happens! She said, “What you described in 1 day is way more than one person can/should handle. And then you want to add school, which is great, but we need to get you to get to a good state first.” So, she prescribed anxiety medication–which I was adamant about staying away from for years, but I figured I’d give it a go. What’s the worse that could happen? I chill out? LOL
Cut to 6 months later and although I’m much more carefree about things (sometimes TOO carefree) I still stress out, just toned down about 80%. The one side effect that I’ve had the most trouble with is the 15 pound weight gain I’ve had. It’s depressing. The pill makes you lethargic, which in turn makes you want to sleep. That’s all I wanted to do at first. I had no energy so I became infatuated with Bang drinks (Frose Rose, Rainbow Unicorn, Cotton Candy and Georgia Peach Tea are my faves!) but they heighten my heart rate and anxiety, boo. The lethargy is also the reason I’ve stopped running and working out, plus the kids’ end-of-the-year stuff.
I also recently, FINALLY, had a visit with a dermatologist to get to the bottom of my acne problem. She prescribed a brand new topical medication plus a new pill that I have to take at night with a snack. It’s also a diuretic. AND, I was trying to get back to Keto and was doing really good until she confirmed I needed to lay off the sugar and DAIRY if I want to make an actual, internal difference, not just on the surface. That about killed me. The only thing that was left to bring me joy was cheese and Halo Top/Enlightened ice cream–and now I couldn’t even have that!! Suddenly, my goals of being healthy and happy with a clear complexion weren’t looking too appealing! I seriously wanted to throw in the towel; but decided not to. I’ve just got to focus and get serious about it. It’s just incredibly frustrating that I KNOW what being on Keto does for you and I’m still expecting the same results as last time, which was an 8-lb weight loss in 2 weeks, but I keep sabotaging myself!. And the last time I was finally focused and was eating how I should (starting April 20th till I sabotaged myself after my dermatologist appointment) I had GAINED a pound in over a month!! BUT–I know I’m not being completely consistent because I’ll mess up during the weekend and then I have to start all over. Ugh.
Being an adult is hard.
But it’s also got its silver lining. My kids are becoming more independent! At the end of the school year Jaylen started driving and we’ll send him off for errands. And Justin is driving too now, so he was driving himself and Jorgie to and from school. That was pretty darn badass and a relief that last week of school lol. At least we have a solution to that now, thank goodness!
It’s always fun hanging out with the kids, too. Which is mostly what my evenings and weekends consist of these days. They’re my best little broke friends 😆 and they’re pretty darn awesome.
Also, John is a DAD NOW!! I finally have a baby to love on and buy things for ??. I just wish I could see them all the time ?!!
So there you have it, folks. It is now summer vacation and I must start some kind of worthy routine, which includes school. I need to do this for myself. NEED TO!!!
I was more than sure I was going to spend this Mother’s Day weekend alone–well, just Mom and me. It was bringing back memories of almost exactly 8 years ago, when Mario and I were separated before the divorce and it was his weekend with the kids. It was thee worst Mother’s Day I’d ever had. I just felt so disconnected and lonely at the time, and it felt like history was repeating itself now, but under completely different circumstances, of course.
Jorge started a new project away from home a week ago. Since it was a brand-new project, and I knew he had time constraints, and the kids would be with the other parents this year I had already conceded to the fact that I was going to have a rather lonely holiday.
The girls were leaving on Thursday with their dad, but he had some things to do so the girls got to hang out with me a bit longer :). We snuggled on the couch to watch Grey’s Anatomy, where they both used me as a pillow 😀 .
I was a wreck and the girls cried, too. JAPRIL, man. Never gonna get over it!!
We got some last-minute burgers and made it back right on time for Mary to pick up the girls. I was still bawling from Grey’s, and from the girls leaving. AND from realizing that it was the start of a lonely weekend. BUT I put on my big-girl panties and went for a run. And talked to Jorge on the phone and whined about how shitty I felt. I regretted watching Grey’s, as I pinpointed that episode as the root cause of my sudden depression. 🙄 Everything else was just bonus sadness, I guess.
Friday was a quiet day at work, but co-workers from another department were visiting so we chatted for a bit. The group that was visiting was making plans to go to lunch so I was going to tag along. At the last minute it ended up being just 2 of us. We ended up at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries where I had a Little Bacon Cheeseburger with extra bacon and cheese (Keto Tip: they don’t charge for extra bacon and cheese when you order a bacon cheeseburger!) It made the afternoon go by faster, getting out of the office for a bit.
Mom and I started off the weekend by seeing Frankie Valli in concert Friday night! It was John’s Mother’s Day gift to us, which was really awesome of him.
We ate at Taco Rico (Mom’s choice), and I kept it Keto.
(Well, except for the beans, heh.)
Then we left to the Performing Arts Center. Of course, Ticketmaster never ceases to fuck my night up–once again, my tickets didn’t “work”. Apparently they weren’t saving the text with the barcode so it wouldn’t scan 🙄 . So I had to leave Mom in the lobby, go back outside to the box office, and get the 3rd degree from the lady at the window. After 10 long and sweaty minutes, I finally got a little notepaper with permission to enter the premises. Geez.
I needed a drink after that, so I found our seats and escorted Mom and got myself some whiskey and Diet Coke (low carb!).
And finally, the concert started and it was magical–it really was. It was so nice to hear Mom singing along and I knew most of the songs too. It was pretty awesome when “Can’t Keep My Eyes Off You” came on and the entire theater was singing their heart out. And Grease!
It was a really good concert!
And we made it to my car before the throngs of people started spilling out, so that was a bonus!
The even better cherry on top was that Jorge said he was coming home after all! And I made arrangements with Mario to pick the girls up on Saturday to spend time together! So that was a huge relief!
I started the next morning off with a run. I remembered why I prefer running in the evening…it was only 9am and the sun was already starting to beat down on my face and it was quickly becoming a humid, sweltering day. I got home and made myself some breakfast.
Then I showered and got ready to pick up the kiddos. Jaylen was doing community service and Eenan decided to tag along at the last minute so it would only be us 4.
I asked if they wanted food, ice cream or Starbucks and of course they chose Starbucks. I only had an iced coffee as I planned to “fast” during lunch.
Then we went to buy flowers for the moms and Gramma’s grave at HEB. And some Halo Top for me and other little groceries. Oh yes. And a new wine-based Margarita mix. They were having tastings and they had me at ‘Hello’! It would be perfect for when we met up with Dinah later.
We headed home and Jaylen was dropped off shortly. Eenan introduced us to a cartoon on Netflix called Aggretsuko, because he said he assumed it was how it was for me at work. Well, my previous work lol. Sure enough, we were able to compare real co-workers with characters 😆
We got hungry eventually so we ordered a botana from Taco Ole…and I was NOT able to stay strict Keto. Those darn tortilla chips are my FAVORITE.
We hung out and lazied-around a bit more before I had to drop them off. They were going to a party later that evening and I’d go back for them the next morning.
Jorge arrived before I got home from dropping the kids off. He ate and then we ran some errands before meeting Dinah and Javi at their hotel. We exchanged Mother’s Day gifts–Dinah and I both got each other succulents!
Jorge prepared us some drinks and they were pretty darn good! And strong!
Apparently, too strong. I couldn’t remember certain parts of the night and I just had this strange feeling when I woke up the next morning. I thought about it as I did my morning routine and once Jorge woke up I asked him what in the world happened because I couldn’t remember the car ride home.
He said, “Um. You don’t remember? You, um, cried on the way home…”
I was mortified. “Whaaat??? What was I crying about??” I finally got a spark of memory; I remembered feeling sad…and babbling 🙄 . Oh geez.
He said, “Everything, Baby. Life in general.”
I apparently cried about feeling inadequate, like I don’t do enough or make enough money. About how I haven’t gone back to school. About feeling lonely–ugh, just thinking about it now makes me cringe!
How dare that stupid alcohol unearth such deep-rooted issues I didn’t even know I had!
It was a slow realization, but I’d recently noticed that ever since leaving the Chamber and starting at my new job, I’ve sort of cut myself off from everyone. I really only hang out with Sally when she has time. And even then, most of the time I feel like I’m bothering her. I know it’s not true–because she told me so–but I can’t help but feel that way because of that annoying little nagging voice in the back of my head. That voice is the reason I don’t reach out to most people. And then I feel lonely and the cycle continues.
It doesn’t help that Jorge isn’t around sometimes due to work. That’s been the hardest of all 🙁 .
I also feel like I should do more. But I felt that way ever since the Chamber days: like I should be going to school, making more money. My job now is SO EASY and laid back that I have tons of time to think and dwell and beat myself up over stupid shit. Ugh.
ANYWAY. Back to my original story: we showered and got ready and took Mom to breakfast at Taco Ole.
We chilled out a bit at home before I picked the kiddos up for lunch.
Took this pic of my Emmos, looking adorable, as always!
She gave me this awesome card:
She’s so sweet to her mama!
And I also received a Yeti mug and wine glass from hubs!
I also got shopping and nail money, which is ALWAYS appreciated!
Jorge said he was going to stay behind since he was tired, so only Mom the kiddos and I went to lunch at Wing Stop. (I swear, my whole life is EATING!)
We chit-chatted and had some laughs and then I dropped them off. Mom and I made our way to the cemetery to drop off Gramma’s flowers and tidy up her grave a little. It’s our first Mother’s Day without Gramma 🙁 .
I saw later that both girls had Snapped and Instagrammed Mother’s Day posts to me! As bad as it may be on some occasions, I love that I can “see” them express themselves through social media.
I’m only sad that she didn’t have another photo 😆 😆 !!
All-in-all, couldn’t ask for a better Mother’s Day! My heart and soul were thrilled and fulfilled!